I guess he wasn’t much of a romantic, Calvin Coolidge. His Xmas gift to his wife Grace in 1923 was 25 gold coins. And he forgot to get her a card. (Been there?) So he re-used a card that had been given to him, but he forgot to take out the other person’s name. Sheesh. I’m guessing poor Cal slept on the White House couch that night.
And it was on Xmas eve of that year that Coolidge lit the first national Xmas tree. Like the Prez, it was from Vermont, a gift from Middlebury College. It was festooned with 2,500 electric lights, which was not yet a common thing to do. In fact, Coolidge’s hometown of Plymouth Notch VT did not yet have electricity. Six thousand people showed up for the ceremony. The Marine Band played and a church choir sang. The public joined in. In all, the festivities did not wind down until around midnight. At that point, the city’s African-American community was allowed to view the tree, and they held a 40-minute ceremony.
Boy, has the NYT really stepped in it this time? Did you see the lead piece on the Opinion page today? Very prominent placement. It’s a conversation between Nick Kristof and “a prominent professor of religion” at Princeton, Elaine Pagels. It should go without saying that you shouldn’t rely on me for anything, but it pretty clearly leaves the impression that JC was not the son of God, and that in fact his dad was a Roman soldier named Panthera who raped Mary. Yikes. That sorta changes a lot of stuff. Isn’t the NYT worried its offices will be sacked and pillaged by hordes of enraged evangelicals? I guess we’ll see. [I know, I know – they don’t read The Times. But they’ll be told about it.]
Can I segue into a Lenny Bruce line that I like? He said if Jesus were killed twenty years ago, kids in Catholic schools would be walking around with little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
And here’s a cartoon I saw outside a colleague’s office at Hunter a long time ago. It has a fellow standing before St. Peter, hoping to get by the pearly gates that are in the background. He has a surprised look on his face and is saying: “You’re kidding — they count SAT’s?”
Headline from The Onion (I’m not kidding): Jets Fans Required To Sign NDA Before Leaving Stadium
My favorite clue/answer today was at 18A: “Invasive amphibian introduced to Australia in the 1930s.” I’ll be honest — it didn’t help me to know it was “invasive.” The answer was CANE TOAD. Of course! If, like me, you are wondering how it got its name, I’ll tell you. It has a voracious appetite so it has been used for pest control, including against the cane beetle which attacks sugar cane. As this little fella seems to be saying: You got a problem with that?
I just received the 12/30;1/6 joint New Yorker edition in the mail. I can’t in good conscience just let it go. I can usually at least tell what they were trying to get at humor-wise in the cartoons. But this batch is so bad, so anti-humor, it’s impressive. Let’s have a look at them.
Page 11. Two squirrels are in bed in their cave home with nuts and nut shells all over the floor. One is saying: “Ever since we got married, you don’t chase me around the tree trunk, halt suddenly, then continue chasing me around like you used to.” What’s the joke? What am I missing? Ascribing human marital complaints to squirrels? Is that it?
Page 14. Two elephants. Let me say at the outset, I am very fond of elephants, so I approach this one with hope in my heart. One of the elephants is drawn normally, but the other one is sort of crinkly. And the normal one is saying: “Have you gone all crinkly again or should I have my eyes checked?” Oy. What a waste of elephants. What is this one even going for? At least with the squirrels there could be humor in the marital angle.
Page 27. A weird-looking alien is standing outside of his saucer. He’s communicating with a military figure. An interpreter is saying: “It said, I’d love to pick your leader’s brain if you think they might be interested, but seriously no worries if not.” The humor here comes from imposing today’s informal speech onto an alien’s communications. Hysterical.
Page 29. A skier is looking at a trail map. It’s snowing. The map shows a mountain with an arrow pointing to one spot. It says: “You are freezing your ass off here.” This cartoon not only fails as utterly unfunny, it’s terribly drawn. You can barely make out the lettering on the map.
Page 30. A nasty-looking boy is explaining to his mother: “I’m sorry. I ate the magic beans because I needed a little protein.” This cartoon is drawing on the hysterical connection between beans as a nourishing food and beans as “magic” beans.
Page 32. A flight attendant is speaking to the passengers. She says: “And for those of you who will be making connections—well, good for you.” I’ll pause to give you a moment to compose yourselves.
Page 39. Two women are seated at a table in medieval times. A suit of armor is seated on a third chair, but nobody is wearing it. One of the women says: “Then I realized all I wanted was the shining armor. I didn’t need the knight.” Brilliant, amirite? Separating the “knight” from the “shining armor” in the expression. Einsteinian in its genius.
Page 40. A woman is lying down (face up) on her yoga mat. A second woman is standing near her. The first says to the second: “I let go of all my tension and lost my will to get up.” Oy.
Page 43. This one I will grudgingly admit is not horrible. An operating room. The surgeon is saying to his assistant: “I know you’re rolling your eyes every time I ask for something.” This is playing with the scene we’re familiar with in which the surgeon spits out “scalpel,” “retractor,” etc. We assume each item is handed to him automatically. So I like it here where the surgeon’s requests are being “judged” by the assistant.
Page 44. Back to the pits. A couple walks into a house. A band is set up and playing in the main room. The caption says: AIR R & B. Get it? Instead of AIR BNB. This is absolutely horrible. Anti-funny. That someone thought this was good is very depressing.
Page 49. A couple sitting in their living room. There are seven coffee mugs spaced randomly on their coffee table. The woman is saying: “We’re getting our money’s worth out of this coffee table.” At this point, I seem to have crossed a line: this is so not funny, I am actually sitting here laughing. These dreadful cartoons have brought me into some zone where funny and not funny are all jumbled up together. Having seven coffee cups on the table means they are getting their money’s worth out of it! I can see it! I think I like it!
Page 53. Roz Chast is a genius. She is a charter member of the Cartoon Hall of Fame. Her work should never be clumped in with the other cartoons in an issue. This one is decent, if not her best. It’s holiday cards we’ve all gotten where we don’t know who the hell it is who sent it. They are called “Cards of Mystery.” The first one reads: “Who are we? You can’t recall. You don’t know us From a hole in the wall,” signed The Cobbinses. The other two are similar and the artwork on the cards is Chastian, i.e., terrific.
There are three more crappy cartoons in the issue, but I will spare you. There’s only so much one can take. You get the idea.
Let’s end on a more festive note. First, a very pretty song shared with us by Son Volt today. There was a puzzle answer HMM. Close enough to conjure up this tune by HEM. And then, down below, a dazzling holiday shot of our Ana. (Philly — you’ve outdone yourself.)
Merry Christmas everybody! From Phil, George, the Owls, me, and Ana.
The Wellington Files 