We’re closing the shop today. The whole staff has gotten together to go out and celebrate our 1,000th post. Woo hoo! Not only are we thrilled to reach this millstone, I mean milestone, but we get to use up our leftover Chanukah candles on the cake!
Look how nicely we all dressed up for the party:
Our gorgeous sports consultant, Sarah Fillier of the New York Sirens. No stick today? You’re gonna need it to fight off the guys!
George Santos — hey Georgie! Lookin’ sharp! George is our Administrative Manager, primarily responsible for stocking the fridge with diet soda. It was hell for us when he was off in prison. Within a week all we had left was a warm, half-empty can of Fresca. Welcome back Big Fella!
Some readers have asked why we would give George a full-time position when his only job is to buy diet soda. Truth be told, we just had to take him on once we read his resume. Did you know he is a Holocaust survivor and former Prime Minister of Canada? How could we let a star like that slip through our hands?
Our guiding lights, our hearts and souls: Welly, Wilma, and Worthy, the owls behind Owl Chatter. Hi Guys! We love you!
Our amazing Style and Culture consultant Ana de Armas. Looking spectacular as always, Armas. Proud to have you aboard.
Owl Chatter would be a mere shadow of itself without the consistently brilliant work of our staff photographer Phil.
The material Phil submits is particularly impressive in light of the fact that he is almost always drunk and usually leaves his equipment in his Uber ride. We are delighted to announce that Phil is receiving a substantial increase in salary. Effective immediately we’re raising his pay to zero!! (Previously, he was paying us $100 a week for the position.) Congrats Buddy! We love you, man.
Last and, by a wide margin, least, yours truly. Hi everybody!
IN MEMORIAM
On a sad note, let’s remember the passing of Owl Chatter’s great Head of Security and Catering, Yevgeny Pregozhin. “My Yevi,” as Taylor called him, was only with us for a few months until, by all accounts, Putin had him killed. But he left an enduring mark. The world may have known him as a ruthless, murdering mercenary, but he was really just a big teddy bear. To this day, Taylor can’t walk by a tray of pigs-in-blankets without breaking down. Here he is, with his brave men.
OK Gang — everybody! — pile into the Camry. Taylor and Travis are already there.
See you next time, Chatterheads!
The Wellington Files 