The Wellington Files

  • Bop Bop Bop

    We made it to Pittsburgh today, and are ensconced in our luxurious suite at The Maverick, by Kasa. Very chic. Almost as nice as our place last night in State College, PA:

    And I am happy to report that if any of you fellas were worried about a decline in the young, leggy, blond population, you can put your fears to rest. They are all at Penn State and are in fine fettle. The population on campus is about 97% young blond women in very summery shorts, and whatever the other 3% is I didn’t notice. Our Phil got to know this young lady a bit and asked her to marry him, according to the police report.

    I was wearing a Yankees cap and noticed that a young man walking towards me was wearing a Yankees shirt. As we neared each other, I caught his eye and gave him a slight nod of recognition and acknowledgement. In return, he gave me a small but clear thumbs up. Good stuff.

    Staying in the Dirty Old Man Dept for a bit, one of my favorite constructors, Wyna Liu, has a puzzle in the New Yorker this week and, of course, it’s great. I think it may have broken new ground in daringness. The NYT, in general, has let its hair down of late, e.g., allowing “ASS” into the puzzle on what seems like almost a daily basis. And Wyna is on the NYT staff. Anyway, her New Yorker puzzle had the following clue at 58A: “Pair in a sex shop.” That already has you heading places, amirite? And the answer was: EDIBLE UNDERWEAR. What are our puzzles coming to? Stephen Miller’s going to have to get involved at some point. All hell is breaking loose.

    The commentariat was also amused to note that today’s constructor, Neville Fogarty, managed to sneak ONLY FANS into the grid, clued innocently with “Online subscription service since 2016.” You know about this? Apparently, it’s a popular and lucrative site for pornographers. They produce content and subscribers pay them directly to view it, with the site taking 20%. The actress Bella Thorne set a record, generating $2 million in a week, on the promise of nude pix. However, some customers complained because she was wearing lingerie in them and she had to offer refunds. Here’s Bella now.

    Speaking of Stephen Miller, the following is from our “You Can’t Make This Stuff Up” Dept. It’s a verbatim segment of Trump’s speech to the military commanders yesterday, as per the historian Heather Cox Richardson:

    “We were not respected with Biden. They looked at him falling downstairs every day. Every day, the guy is falling downstairs. We can’t have it. I’m very careful. You know, when I walk downstairs for, like, a month, stairs, like these stairs, I’m very—I walk very slowly. Nobody has to set a record. Just try not to fall, because it doesn’t work out well. A few of our presidents have fallen and it became a part of their legacy. We don’t want that. You walk nice and easy. You’re not having—you don’t have to set any record. Be cool. Be cool when you walk down, but don’t—don’t pop down the stairs. So one thing with Obama, I had zero respect for him as a President, but he would bop down those stairs. I’ve never seen it. Da-da, da-da, da-da, bop, bop, bop. He’d go down the stairs. Wouldn’t hold on. I said, It’s great. I don’t want to do it. I guess I could do it. But eventually, bad things are going to happen, and it only takes once. But he did a lousy job as president. A year ago, we were a dead country. We were dead. This country was going to hell.”

    God bless America.

    Today’s Poem-A-Day from poets.org is by Hua Xi and is called “A Bookshelf.” It didn’t reach me, so I am not including it. But it ended with the following poignant lines:

    Change 
    is scenic and sudden.

    One year, I came home 
    and all the leaves fell off my father.

    After that, 
    he was winter.

    So it’s on to a decisive Game 3 for the Tigers, Guardians, Yanks, and Sox. Cubs and Padres too, but that’s of lesser interest to us. The Yankee starter will be the impressive rookie, Cam Schlittler. Ironically, Shittler is from Walpole, MA, and his New England ties go even deeper — for college, Hitler went to Northeastern. Hope he’s got his good stuff tomorrow. The air will be electric.

    Thanks for popping in!

  • Westward Ho!

    Hi, Chatterheads! It’s Wilma the owl, letting you know we are all heading out to Michigan for the week. So even though we are not spotted owls, broadcasting may be spotty. A night at Penn State, two in Pittsburgh, and then the weekend with Morris Irving, Harold Barney, and the folks.

    To the baseball fans among us — may all your teams do well!

    We’ll see ya when we see ya!

    `Z

  • The Color Of Moonlight

    I took no pleasure in seeing my alma mater PENN (law) in the grid yesterday at 50A, clued with “Brown alternative.” Its throwing a transgender athlete under a bus to kowtow to Trump is unforgivable, discussed in an earlier post. Actually, I tried “Yale” first and then even thought of “ecru.” But “Burns, e.g.” at 50D turned out to be POET, so PENN it was.

    For the second Saturday in a row, the puzzle put up a good fight. Is Shortz reading the comments in Rex’s blog complaining about the puzzle being dumbed down to increase sales? Hope so.

    At 41A the clue was “Two humper.” Answer: BACTRIAN. I know — srsly? It turns out a camel with two humps is a Bactrian camel, from the region Bactria in Asia. (The Arabian camel has only one hump.) Here’s one!

    Another toughie was at 54A: “Part of a high-tech security system.” Turned out to be LASER MAZE. You’ve probably seen one in a movie protecting jewels or something in a museum.

    Do you know the myth about the tears of Ra, the Egyptian god? Me neither. The clue at 23A was “They arose from Ra’s tears, according to Egyptian mythology.” Answer: BEES. You can see the Egyptian heritage of this bee, in Manchester, England. Manchester is an industrial city and so the “worker bee” has become a symbol associated with it.

    At 12D, “Classic rock?” was RUNESTONE. Of course, you’re all familiar with Glen Campbell’s big hit “Runestone Cowboy.”

    Have you heard the term CO-SLEEPER? The clue was “Alternative to a crib.” It’s the mini-bed attached to mom’s bed.

    As many of you know, that photo is pure fantasy. In real life, the mother gets no sleep. Ever.

    Just one more and then we’ll let yesterday’s puzzle go, except for a song. At 48D the clue was “___ Lines (ancient Peruvian geoglyphs),” and the answer was NAZCA. You ever hear of NAZCA lines? I’ve heard of Nascar — completely different. According to Wikipedia, the Nazca lines are a group of over 700 geoglyphs made in the soil of the Nazca Desert in southern Peru. They’re pretty amazing — like hieroglyphics but on land.

    Commenter Son Volt provides a valuable service to the Commentariat. Almost daily he posts three songs related to things in the puzzle. Sometimes it’s a puzzle for me to figure out the relationship. Today, e.g., he shared this very old S & G tune, below. The minute I heard it I thought I saw the connection: The East River had been clued as “what the UN overlooks.” But that was in a different puzzle I recently completed: not the NYT. So I had to keep looking and the only connection I could find was POET, the answer for “Burns, e.g.,” as noted above. In any case, here’s the young duo.

    From today’s Met Diary, this story by Howard Rubin called “Just Enough.”

    Dear Diary:

    I grew up in the East New York section of Brooklyn. My mother shopped at the corner grocery store, which sold lox by the pound.

    She would often buy enough for one or two bagels, not unusual in our relatively poor neighborhood. She called it a half of a quarter of a pound.

    Many years later, when I was an adult and living in Flatbush, I had the urge for a bagel with lox.

    I stopped off at a nearby supermarket, went to the counter where the fish was sold and ordered an eighth of a pound of lox.

    The gentleman cutting the lox paused and looked at me.

    “Having company?” he asked.

    Bette Midler once described “the poor” as those “who summer where they winter.” In a similar vein, my view of the rich is those for whom lox knows no limits.

    Yesterday’s baseball action has left the Mets and Tigers in a precarious position. Each needs a win and losses by, respectively, Cincy and Cleveland to make it into the playoffs. The entire season comes down to this. Good luck, men.

    Whatever happens today, Pete Alonso, nicknamed the Polar Bear, had a phenomenal year, despite global warming: 38 homers, 126 RBI, and .273 batting average. That .273, BTW, puts him 15th in the NL. Only one player is over .300 — Trea Turner at .305. He’s 2nd in RBI, behind Schwarber (134), and 4th in homers.

    Phil caught this nice shot of Pete, greeting the press.

    Today’s puzzle is a nice take on the phrase FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS. In six segments of the large (Sunday) grid, there is a “friend,” i.e., MONICA, PHOEBE, RACHEL, JOEY, ROSS or CHANDLER, crossed by a “benefit,” e.g., VACATION, HEALTH, DENTAL, DAYCARE, WELLNESS, and BONUS. The title of the puzzle is “Central Perk,” the coffee shop from the show, and it’s a pun on “perk,” as a “benefit.”

    At 116A, for the clue “Rye, e.g.,” the answer was WHISKEY. It led Son Volt to share this exquisite song by the exquisite Laura Cantrell.

    At 50D the clue was “Clown around with food?” and the answer was MCDONALD, a reference to Ronald McDonald. Did you know the original Ronald McDonald was Willard Scott of the Today show? Scott in fact created the clown character at the request of the company, but was replaced after a few years because of his weight. Ouch! McDonalds did not want to be associated with fatness. SRSLY. Pass the fries. Scott passed away at the age of 87 four years ago.

    With the theme half-devoted to the show FRIENDS, the Commentariat weighed in with pretty strong feelings, on both sides. Here are some samples:

    A show that defined the uniformed privilege of the 90s. A copycat of Living Single and created by Clinton besties – absolutely void of any diversity or originality. It should have been called Wealthy, White, Straight Friends.

    Someone who lives in my house enjoys Friends and so we have watched all 236 episodes multiple times and I have never once laughed out loud, except for the “PIVOT!” scene. I suppose privileged white people who drink wine and have struggles is not my genre.

    The show often felt to me as if written by a committee with a bead on what was trending for a certain class of white people in the 90s. And also that it adhered to a very traditional comedy formula, consisting of a series of set-ups for one-liners and zingers.

    In an effort to defend the fact that this 70-year-old really liked Friends I will say this: Monica managed to get that extremely nice (and spacious) apartment when her grandmother died. Phoebe pretty much didn’t have a pot to piss in, but benefited by her friendship with Monica and was her roommate. Chandler had a very well-paid job that nobody really knew what it was, and Joey was an unemployed/underemployed actor (until he got a break well in) and also didn’t have a pot to piss in, but Chandler gave HIM a break and let him be roommate. Ross was a paleontologist. He had a nice apartment. Likewise, jilting bride Rachel had no job at first and benefited from the Monica apartment. With that said, sitcoms are not everyone’s cuppa, and most aren’t for me, but I truly think it had great writers and good actors that made you believe they were friends.

    To me, Friends is based on characters being stupid, mean to each other, live unrealistic lifestyles based on their jobs, and constant sexual innuendo and obsession. Oh, and haircuts.

    Only in TV fantasyland does a dorky looking David Schwimmer hook up with the gorgeous Jennifer Aniston.

    Egs said he enjoyed the tribute to a bunch of rich cats, reminding us that the puzzle’s constructor was Rich Katz.

    CHANDLER’s position in the grid is right in the center, in a vertical oval spanned by the letters of his name. So I posted:

    We’re coming up (next month) to the second anniversary of the sad passing of Matthew Perry, the fine actor who played Chandler. Perhaps that central part of the puzzle represents Chandler’s gravesite, which the others are visiting to honor his memory.

    Happy to close today with this poem from The Writer’s Almanac by Neal Bowers wryly called “Confederates.”

    My father was only two in 1915
    when he sat on Walter Denton’s lap
    and heard the old man dragging in
    his heavy chain of breath, each link
    stuttering down the back of his throat.
    “Floyd,” he whispered, saying the baby’s name
    like a question, “look yere,”
    and he placed my father’s hand
    on a scar the color of moonlight,
    a shrapnel wound from the Yankee boats
    that shelled Ft. Donelson.
    Then both of them began to cry,
    there in the ladderback chair
    someone had dragged into elm shade,
    away from the stifling house,
    until a woman came and saved them
    from each other, leaving one
    to go into the past and disappear,
    the other to follow by way of the future.

    See you tomorrow Chatterheads!

  • Shinola

    The NYT has apparently sunk to the grammatical equivalent of hanging around in sweats all day. The headline for this story in yesterday’s Style section reads: Who Are You Calling a Dummy Now? I’m sure you’re as aghast as I am at the failure to use “whom.” But what are you going to do? It’s still a good story.

    It’s about Sophie Becker whose acting career hit the skids during Covid, but rebounded when she picked up two dummies and put an act together as a ventriloquist. Ronnie’s the blonde, below, and the other one is Jerry, a replica of Jerry Mahoney some of you may recall who was Paul Winchell’s dummy back in the day.

    Sophie immersed herself in the history of the art. It has freaked her dad out a bit. He noted with some concern that his daughter addresses her dummy by name, as if it were a real person. And she says, “We’re on our way,” when she’s going to visit her parents. “Sometimes I wonder: Where does it stop and start for her? Where does Sophie end and where does the doll begin?”

    Here’s Jerry. Sophie says she can’t leave them out on the couch because they scare her roommates. She heard one yelp in the middle of the night when she saw Jerry.

    Austin Phillips made Ronnie — he’s a dummy maker in Portland, Maine. He also tunes them up when necessary. The actress Candice Bergen was interviewed for the story. Her dad was Edgar Bergen, who worked with the puppet Charlie McCarthy. She said he was never referred to as “the dummy,” it was always “Charlie.” “He was treated as something less than a god, but not by much.”

    Unfortunately, I could not get an appropriate sample of Sophie’s work for us, but here’s a female British ventriloquist.

    Yesterday’s puzzle featured some amazing wordplay by constructor Jesse Goldberg. You could tell something funny was going on right away. E.g., at 2D the clue was “Anaheim players,” which had to be ANGELS, but there was space for only 4 letters in the answer. Similarly, at 6D the clue was “Spell out,” so the answer should be SPECIFY, but there was only space for 5 letters.

    Well, the revealer way down at 52A made things clear. The clue was “What each Down answer needs from its clue in order to make sense,” and the answer was FIRST TWO LETTERS. So here’s the scoop: for every single down answer, you had to take the first two letters of the clue and add it to the front of the answer for it to make sense. So for SPECIFY, above, you only enter ECIFY, and the first two letters of the clue (“SPell out”) complete it to be SPECIFY. That happened for every down clue/answer! Amazing.

    At 30D the clue was “Shoe polish brand” and the answer was INOLA to which you add SH, for SHINOLA. That explains the expression — when you call someone an idiot by saying “he doesn’t know shit from Shinola.” My whole life (till now) that made no sense to me. But of course, if it’s shoe polish, it might be confused with the other substance by an idiot.

    If you were in Philly back in the early Seventies and a sports fan, you had to love Bernie. Bernie Parent (pronounced pa-rent) was the goalie for the Flyers who won the Stanley Cup with Parent in goal in ’74 and ’75. It was the Flyers heyday; the Bobby Clarke era. In the 1973-74 season, Parent won 47 games, a single-season N.H.L. record that stood for 33 years. He also led the league with a 1.89 goals-against average and 12 shutouts, which earned him the Vezina Trophy, for the league’s top goalie.

    Parent passed away this week at the age of 80. Oddly, Hall of Fame goalies Ken Dryden and Eddie Giacomin also died very recently.

    I remember one game situation from the playoffs back then. An attacker from the opposing team broke free with the puck and charged at Bernie. He took a point-blank shot which Parent flicked away but the rebound came back to the shooter who took another heads-on blast which Parent again flicked away. Time seemed to freeze. It seemed like these two going at it were the only two people on the planet. The attacker took the rebound again and shot again. Bernie, who remained planted in front of the goal the entire time, flicked that one away too. Finally, some defensemen arrived on the scene, like Robert Duvall in The Godfather arriving with armed men at the hospital, where Brando had been left without protection. They whisked the puck away and it was over. Any doubts you may have had about the unique and extraordinary skills Bernie possessed were forever dispelled.

    Here’s how Stan Hochman described a similar situation in the Philly Daily News. He compared Parent’s turning away shots to a boxer fending off punches.

    “Pow, Gil Perreault from the left,” he wrote. “Crunch, Jocelyn Guevremont from the right. Wham, Perreault again from the left. Bam, René Robert from the middle. Whoosh, Perreault once more with a haymaker.”

    Parent is survived by three children from his first marriage which ended in divorce; his second wife, Gini; two sisters; six grandchildren; and two great-grandchildren.

    Rest in peace, Bernie.

    Senior Living Dept. After carefully watching two YouTube videos on how to replace engine and cabin filters in a Subaru Outback, I decided I could do it myself and save a few bucks. (If you are laughing already — cut it out!!) So I went online to Amazon to order the filters. I needed one for the engine and one for the “cabin:” the part of the car in which the people sit. They were both clearly due for a change. We have a 2017 model and the filter sizes seemed to have changed starting in 2020. So I had to be sure to order the right ones.

    I skimmed a few reviews, checked on prices, and placed my order on Wednesday with delivery promised by yesterday. The package came, and I invited Linda to watch me do it! As comedian Jim Gaffigan described a day out with his kids, it’s like one of those movies where the prisoner is being escorted to a new prison on the train, handcuffed to the deputy. Things may seem to go perfectly fine for a bit but you know something’s going to pop. Sure enough, I open the package only to find two engine filters and no cabin filter!

    I was super careful when I placed the order, so those idiots at Amazon must have screwed up. So I checked my account to see what I ordered. Sure enough, I ordered two engine filters and no cabin filter. D’oh!

    The good news is I was able to replace the filter in the vehicle smoothly and when I contacted Amazon to send the second one back and get the right kind, they told me just to keep it and they’d issue a refund anyway. How great is that!

    Epilogue: The cabin filter came today and I was able to install it. All’s well that ends well.

    At 22A today, the puzzle asked me: If a group of geese is called a “flock,” what group of animals or birds is called a “business?” A business of what? Answer: FERRETS. Who knew? Hi fellas!

    If you’re not fond of ferrets, how about weasels? At 2D for the clue “Talked one’s way (out of),” the answer was WEASELED.

    There were some crafty clues today. At 33A the clue was “Takes in the trash?” But “take” here is a noun, not a verb. Like “Take 15” when shooting a movie. So the answer was DELETED SCENES. (Get it?) But, side note — who takes “in” the trash? You take “out” the trash, no?

    R. Dangerfield: My wife told me to take out the trash. I said, “I already took out the trash.” She said, “Well, go keep an eye on it.”

    And there was a lot going on at 15A. The clue was “Stream with a lot of shade?” Stream here is like to watch something on Netflix. And shade is from the expression to throw shade, meaning to disparage or ridicule. So the answer was HATEWATCH. (I’m too f*cking old for that one, but I can sort of see it.)

    At 49A, “In need of an evening out?” was CREASED. The constructor is playing with “evening” here. Like to even something out.

    This just in — from The Onion:

    Mom Triumphantly Drags Hotel Pool Lounge Chair Back To Family Like Fresh Kill

    ENCINITAS, CA—Proudly hauling her prized prey across the Holiday Inn Express’ patio Saturday afternoon, mother of three, Bonnie Cohn, reportedly dragged a pool lounge chair back to her awaiting family like a fresh kill, onlookers confirmed. “Got one!” said the victorious hunter, who had methodically stalked the poolside area for several minutes before eyeing her quarry, charging across the sun-warmed concrete, and viciously pouncing on her target. “They need to put more chairs out here. There just aren’t enough for everyone.” At press time, Cohn’s most dominant offspring had reportedly ripped the chair away from his weaker siblings.

    See you tomorrow!

  • The Pennycandystore

    The Commentariat got its knickers all in a twist (that’s British for “panties all in a bunch”), over whether ice cream and soup are “spooned” when served, as asserted in a clue. Many maintained ice cream is “scooped” and soup “ladled.” Close enough for crosswords, is my view. And one witness for the defense noted that both the scoop and the ladle are types of spoons.

    This post made the whole contretemps worth it for me:

    “I always call it scooping ice cream, even when I’m using 2 large spoons and trying (too often unsuccessfully) to form perfect quenelles. But I always ladle soup.”

    “Quenelles!” What a great word, and new to me. According to Wikipedia, a quenelle is a mixture of creamed fish or meat, sometimes combined with breadcrumbs, with a light egg binding, formed into an egg-like shape, and then cooked. By extension, a quenelle may also be another food made into a similar shape, such as ice cream, sorbet, butter, or mashed potato quenelles.

    The issue arose because the theme to the puzzle yesterday was JUGBAND, with the five theme answers starting off with instruments you would find in such an ensemble: WASHBOARD ABS, STOVEPIPE HAT, SPOONS OUT, BONES UP ON, and, JUG BAND itself. This video shows how to make a stovepipe for a jugband, and how it’s played (you blow into it).

    Commenter Lewis shared this video with us of the Spoon Lady, who entertained him for many years busking in downtown Asheville.

    Putting it all together, here’s some jugband music, just as the doctor prescribed.

    In today’s puzzle, “Like the scent of some air fresheners” was PINEY, which some thought was a bit awkward. Can you find it in this Dylan song?

    Didn’t I weep beside you
    With the rain blowing in your hair?

    I completely crashed on “2011 Peace Nobelist ___ Johnson Sirleaf.” It’s ELLEN. She was President of Liberia from 2006 to 2018, the first elected female head of state in Africa. Her efforts to bring women into the peacekeeping process won her the Nobel Peace Prize. Liberia had a mild anti-gay statute that was never enforced. While she did not push for its repeal she held fast against efforts to pass far more onerous ones. Good job, El!

    Get this — if you’re a fan of the TV comedy Parks and Recreation, Sirleaf’s niece is the actress Retta who played the character Donna Meagle on the show. Below is the Prez herself, followed by Retta.

    This poem from today’s Writer’s Almanac is by Lawrence Ferlinghetti. It’s called “The Pennycandystore Beyond the El.”

    The Pennycandystore beyond the El
    is where I first
         fell in love
              with unreality
    Jellybeans glowed in the semi-gloom
    of that september afternoon
    A cat upon the counter moved among
                  the licorice sticks
              and tootsie rolls
          and Oh Boy Gum

    Outside the leaves were falling as they died

    A wind had blown away the sun

    A girl ran in
    Her hair was rainy
    Her breasts were breathless in the little room

    Outside the leaves were falling
         and they cried
              Too soon! too soon!

    It’s a compelling poem, no? I did a little googling to try to get a handle on how it’s been interpreted. Didn’t work. One writer said it’s about the death of humanity and that the girl was God. Puh-leeeze. I did note the stark difference between the store with the glowing jellybeans, and outside where the wind had blown away the sun. Is it about the passing of childhood “too soon?” One writer referred to the first time you (a boy) see a real girl and appreciate her force. Another said “Her hair was rainy” is the best line in the poem. There’s certainly more electricity to it than if he wrote “her hair was wet.”

    Did she look like either of these?

    Technology continues to take a larger role in baseball. Next season, each batter will be “measured” for his particular strike zone and each pitch will be determined to be a strike or ball electronically. That result will only be called into play if a batter challenges the umpire’s strike call, or the catcher/pitcher challenges a ball call. Each side gets two challenges per game, but a challenge is not charged if it’s proven right. I like it.

    Owl Chatter sports consultant, the lovely women’s ice hockey player Sarah Fillier, has been following the story and was able to get us a shot of what the so-called “robot umpire” will look like. Thanks Sarah!

    At 18A today, “Dance craze named for a Southern city,” was, of course, the CHARLESTON. I associate that business with your knees with it, but there’s a lot more to it, apparently. Here’s some “footage” from my grand-nephew’s bar mitzvah in Delaware.

    Sometimes, with the whirlwind that is Washington DC, we lose sight of the eloquence. Here are some excerpts from Trump’s speech at the UN.

    “In my first term, I built the greatest economy in the history of the world. We had the best economy ever, history of the world, and I’m doing the same thing again, but this time it’s actually much bigger and even better. The numbers far surpass my record-setting first term.

    “In a period of just seven months, I have ended seven unendable wars. They said they were unendable. You’re never going to get them solved…. No president or prime minister, and for that matter, no other country, has ever done anything close to that, and I did it in just seven months. It’s never happened before. There’s never been anything like that. Very honored to have done it.

    “You’re destroying your countries. They’re being destroyed. Europe is in serious trouble. They’ve been invaded by a force of illegal aliens like nobody’s ever seen before. Illegal aliens are pouring into Europe, and nobody’s doing anything to change it, to get them out. In London, they want Sharia Law. It’s not sustainable.

     “I’m really good at this stuff. Your countries are going to hell.”

    A senior foreign diplomat posted at the U.N. texted: “This man is stark, raving mad. Do Americans not see how embarrassing this is?”

    I don’t know. Do we? What’s the embarrassing part?

    Thanks for stopping by. See you tomorrow!

  • Magnums Cum Laude

    This poem, “Hardware,” is by Ronald Wallace, and it’s from today’s Writer’s Almanac.

    My father always knew the secret
    name of everything—
    stove bolt and wing nut,
    set screw and rasp, ratchet
    wrench, band saw, and ball-
    peen hammer. He was my
    tour guide and translator
    through that foreign country
    with its short-tempered natives
    in their crewcuts and tattoos,
    who suffered my incompetence
    with gruffness and disgust.
    Pay attention, he would say,
    and you’ll learn a thing or two.

    Now it’s forty years later,
    and I’m packing up his tools
    (If you know the proper
    names of things you’re never
    at a loss)     tongue-tied, incompetent,
    my hands and heart full
    of doohickeys and widgets,
    whatchamacallits, thingamabobs.

    A personal note before we flounder our way into the usual nonsense: Owl Chatter friend Roy sent us the following:

    I’m participating in this year’s JFCS Wheels for Meals 2025 on October 19, 2025 to raise money for Jewish Family & Children’s Service of Greater Mercer County. Would you like to help me fight hunger by donating and/or joining me for this ride?  Doing so will also honor the memory of my dear friend Dan Reynolds.  Please check the links below.

    Last year Dan invited me to join him for this ride supporting a worthy charity near his home outside Trenton, NJ.  As most of you know, he sadly passed away in June while he and I were riding together in Wisconsin.  I plan to continue doing this ride as a way to honor his memory.  Below is a picture of Dan from last year’s ride – he’s the one in the yellow jacket.  You might also recognize the cyclist on his left in the yellow helmet.

    If you’d like to join me or make a donation, please visit my Team Page using the following link:
    TeamPage: https://secure.qgiv.com/event/jfcswheelsformeals2025/team/1003598/
    Team Name: AI Cyclers
    Team Captain: Jay Ganzman

    On the team page you will see two buttons:

    • “Donate Now” if you’d like to contribute
    • “Join My Team” if you’d like to do the ride with me.  I’ve registered for 25 miles, but would consider doing more if you’d like.


    If you’d like more details about the event, please visit https://secure.qgiv.com/event/jfcswheelsformeals2025/. 

    I learned so much from a recent post in the Dull Men’s Club (UK)! The post was about plurals, but the discussion touched on ellipses and quotation marks as well. Here is Adrian Bull’s post:

    I’m currently on holiday in Spain. I’m also a grammar and spelling pedant. Both of those facts are relevant here. I just went to the local supermarket for some post-lunch refreshments. My partner wanted a Magnum ice cream for this afternoon. I decided to have the same. Should I have asked for two “Magna”? Or do proper nouns such as brand names not take a plural?

    Murray Atkinson: Depends… do you want correct grammar or for the other person to understand and actually fetch you the ice cream?

    Adrian: I was unwilling to sacrifice either outcome!!

    Murray: then .. can I have a magnum please?… ooh, make that two!

    Adrian: Sir, you are a genius!

    Andy Spragg: Correct me if I’m wrong, but an ellipsis is (or should be) precisely three dots. [OC note: Adrian originally used a two-dot ellipsis in his post.]

    Adrian: My apologies. Now corrected. I’m blaming the glare of the sunshine from the screen. Still mortified though.

    Andy: If you introduce yourself as a “grammar and spelling pedant” in your second sentence, you must expect that other, and bigger, grammar and spelling pedants are going to scrutinize your post without mercy.

    Mik Shaw:  …and the plural is ‘ellipses’, with a long second “e”, so as not to be confused with the plural of ‘ellipse’…

    Andy: Out of scope, but a valid contribution.

    Avi: My exhaustive research on the matter (you know, a minute or two online) reveals that precisely three dots is correct. Glad you brought this up. Adds to my knowledge.

    Andrea Barratt: I think you’ll find the plural of magnum is magni.

    Chris Couchman: Nope. It’s Magna. Magnum is neutral. If it was Magnus (masculine ending) in the singular it would be Magni. If it was Magna in the singular (feminine ending) it would be Magnae. But Magnum (singular, neutral) is Magna in the plural.

    Roger Briggs: This is top notch pedantry. I salute you , Sir.

    Chris: Thank you, but to be truly pedantic, I’m Ma’am, not Sir.

    Roger: Sorry Ma’am. I stand corrupted and humbly beg your forgiveness.

    Avi Liveson: Did you mean “corrected?”

    Fran Lye: Are you bored on holiday?

    Stuart Morris: If used as a measure, as in bottles of Champagne, the plural is either magnums or magna. If with a capital, as in Magnum chocolate ice cream, the plural is Magnums.

    Kurt Robinson: Should it be “Magna” or ‘Magna’?

    Adrian: Different people have different preferences there. I’ve always been brought up on the double quote mark.

    Avi Liveson: Found this online: Whether to use single or double quotes depends upon whether you follow US or UK style. Double quotes (“ ”) are used to enclose text in American (and often Canadian) style, with single quotes used around words in text already within quotes. In contrast, single quotes (‘ ’) are preferred in British (and often Australian) style, with double quotes reserved for quotes within quotes. 

    J. Paul Murdock: I was in Denmark with my parents once a few years after studying Swedish (which is very similar to Danish). I was in the Tivoli in Copenhagen and wanted to impress them by asking the maître d’ at the restaurant for a table for three in Swedish. I later found out I’d asked for a plank of wood until 3 o’clock!

    Avi: I once asked a waitress in a fancy restaurant for a “giraffe” of red wine. She nodded and said “I know what you mean.”

    Ken Irvine: All this faffle… just ask for Magnum twins.

    Adrian: Tried that once before… Tom Selleck and his stunt double showed up!

    The last week of the baseball season has turned into an desperate battle for playoff spots on several fronts. The Mets have collapsed from their seemingly safe perch and both Cincy and the ‘Zona snakes have designs. The Tigers fell off the truck and face a deadly serious challenge from the Clevelanders. What’s neat is they play each other three times starting tonight! And Seattle, Houston, and Boston are scrabbling for a spot. Yikes!

    As for our lowly Gnats, let’s credit them for taking two out of three from the Mets in NY last weekend, and for making sure they will not face the ignominy of a 100-loss season. Baby steps next year, boys — baby steps.

    Happy New Year to all of our Jewish friends and any goyim they hang out with — from Linda, Phil, Ana, Sarah, and me. And to our “Jew-ish” friends, from our poor incarcerated Georgie. May the year go by fast for you, Buddy! We’re sure you’ll be pardoned by the Big Fella, if not the White House.

    May all your matzoh balls be fluffy. See you next year!

  • D’oh!

    Let’s ease into today’s post with this story from yesterday’s Met Diary in the NYT. It’s for you dog lovers out there (Hi Norrie!). It’s called “Pausing” and it’s by Jungeun Lee.

    Dear Diary:

    I was crossing a busy four-lane street in Brooklyn with my 14-month-old Norwich terrier, Danbi, at about 6:30 a.m. We were heading to the park.

    An older man pulling a cart piled high with recyclables paused and looked at Danbi. I smiled and was about to pass, but then he spoke.

    He told me he had once had a dog too, for 18 years.

    “I still miss him so much,” he said. “I look at his pictures on my phone every day.”

    Cars passed by. The city was waking up, but in that moment, his voice felt set apart, quiet but full.

    I told him that I understood. I had said goodbye to my 22-year-old dog a year ago. Danbi had come into my life not long after that.

    The man looked at her again. I saw something in his face shift.

    “Your dog must’ve been happy,” I said.

    He didn’t answer right away, just nodded slowly. I nodded too, and we stood there in a brief silence that didn’t feel empty. Then we parted ways.

    Danbi and I turned down a tree-lined side street. The morning felt a little heavier, but also more tender.

    Sometimes all it takes is one pause to remind you that love, even after loss, has a way of crossing back over to you.

    It’s a Simpsons-themed puzzle today! Cowabunga! At 70A the clue was “Cry from Homer” and the answer was D’OH!. And four theme answers all ended with a d’oh, phonetically, but spelled in different ways. SUPER NINTENDO, JUSTIN TRUDEAU, RED BORDEAUX, and COOKIE DOUGH.

    Commenter Anoa Bob lamented that Brigitte Bardot wasn’t used for a “d’oh” ending. She’s still among us at 90. She quit show biz way back in 1973 and has devoted her life to animal rights, receiving many honors for her work. Charles de Gaulle called Bardot “the French export as important as Renault cars.” Come on, Charlie, those cars didn’t come close. Phil refused the assignment, claiming her beauty defeats the camera. He grudgingly submitted these. He’s right, but we’ll take what we can get.

    During the 2008 U.S. Presidential election, Bardot called Sarah Palin “stupid” and “a disgrace to women,” but her politics, in general, have not been admirable, in our worthless opinion. She has been fined many times for inciting racial hatred and is associated with the far-right forces in France.

    About 15 years ago, I used the expression “You only live once” in an exam question, and several students wrote in the margin: YOLO. That’s how I learned the acronym popular with the youth. (It’s fading out.) Anyway it was an answer in the puzzle today and egs commented on it:

    “When I saw YOLO, I got to thinking that Yolo County, CA surely must have adopted something like “Yolo — because You Only Live Once” as their County slogan or motto. Not so. However, I did find out that Yolo derives from a Native American Patwin word meaning “place abounding in rushes.” And I guess that one who lives by the modern YOLO creed is in a place abounding in rushes (adrenaline chiefly). So the great circle of life is again shown to manifest in a four-letter crossword answer.”

    Forgot to mention our buddy Paulo Pasco crashed out of Jeopardy! in his 8th contest. He had a chance but needed his opponent to blow Final Jep and he didn’t. Still, seven wins and close to $200K in winnings is pretty damn good. Bravo Paulo! He’ll be back for the Tournament of Champs at some point.

    Katya Lindor always wanted to play the National Anthem at Citi Field on the violin. So she married Mets shortstop Francisco and convinced him to pull some strings. [Get it?] It made the news. Check it out, especially to see their gorgeous kids.

    Breaking news from The Onion:

    Grizzled Band-Aid Weathers Third Shower

    “Can you try to catch our waiter’s eye?”

    See you tomorrow Chatterheads. Thanks for popping in.

  • Salt and Taxes

    In keeping with Owl Chatter’s mission to provide information that is both tedious and of interest to nobody, here is a map showing the density of pig farms in Europe. Special thanks to Mark Anderson of the Dull Men’s Club (UK) for posting it.

    Gerry Tait: Stunning.

    Barry Fitzgerald: Why are some of the countries grayed out? Switzerland, for example.

    Sean Boon: The Swiss hate pigs.

    Barry: Maybe they don’t want to admit they have any?

    Graham Haddow: Surely, this is a map of midges, not pigs.

    Frank Higgins: If so, it has Scotland wrong.

    Barry Fitzgerald later posted the following:

    Regarding the European Pig Farm map put up by Mark Anderson recently, I can confirm that Switzerland actually does have pigs. It has over 1.4 million pigs, with breeds like the Swiss Edelschwein and Swiss Landrace being the most common. This is similar to the amount of cute cows in said country.

    Roger Collier: How many camels are there in Holland?

    Barry: I’m sure there is a map for that.

    Avi Liveson: The missus and I were over there recently and did not see any camels. If that helps. . .

    David Henderson: As a pig farmer, I was surprised at the low number in Aberdeenshire. Yorkshire and Norfolk were both shown to have many which wasn’t a surprise but King Arthur’s county seems to be under represented. His empire had pigs located at 90 farms 30 years ago!!

    Ashley Gray: Is it true that it’s against the law in Switzerland to have only one Guinea pig cos they’re sociable so need a buddy or two ?

    Barry: Of course. And once you own them you are trapped in a loop of continual guinea pig ownership as you are required to get a replacement to keep the grieving survivor appeased.

    Donald Hall was born September 20 (yesterday) in 1928, and died in June, 2018. This poem of his was shared with us by The Poetry Foundation and is called “Ox Cart Man.”

    In October of the year,
    he counts potatoes dug from the brown field,   
    counting the seed, counting   
    the cellar’s portion out,   
    and bags the rest on the cart’s floor.

    He packs wool sheared in April, honey
    in combs, linen, leather   
    tanned from deerhide,   
    and vinegar in a barrel
    hooped by hand at the forge’s fire.

    He walks by his ox’s head, ten days
    to Portsmouth Market, and sells potatoes,   
    and the bag that carried potatoes,
    flaxseed, birch brooms, maple sugar, goose   
    feathers, yarn.

    When the cart is empty he sells the cart.   
    When the cart is sold he sells the ox,   
    harness and yoke, and walks
    home, his pockets heavy
    with the year’s coin for salt and taxes,

    and at home by fire’s light in November cold   
    stitches new harness
    for next year’s ox in the barn,
    and carves the yoke, and saws planks   
    building the cart again.

    Today’s puzzle was a paean to Kit Kat bars. Well, Kit Kat minis, at any rate. There were 5 squares in which we were to squish KIT going in one direction, and KAT in the other. E.g., 23A was clued with “Traditional form of Japanese drama,” and 18D with “Regular at a park with half-pipes, informally.” So KABU[KI T]HEATER crossed S[KAT]ER RAT at the KIT/KAT. That happened five times. And the name of the puzzle was “Gimme a Break!” Pretty clever and nicely done, Adrianne Baik.

    Hey, here she is! Hi Adrianne!

    At 30A, the clue was “Far from conscious,” and the answer was IN A COMA. Son Volt shared this tune with us on it. (“I know, I know — it’s serious.”)

    Getting back to the KIT KAT bars, here’s the famous jingle:

    Surprisingly, not everyone has it down.

    Now, get this:

    Forty years ago when an ad agency pitched a jingle to a client, it needed not only the one it put the big bucks into, but a throwaway jingle as well, giving the client the illusion of choice.

    The agency brought composer Michael Levine in, asked him to come up with the alternate jingle, and on the elevator trip down, he came up with the jingle we all know. The agency didn’t give him much of a budget, so during the recording session, instead of hiring singers, he had the band do the singing.

    The client picked the throwaway, and after the jingle came out, sales skyrocketed to where Hershey had to build a larger Kit Kat facility.

    Have you seen many Sandra Bullock movies? I think I’ve just caught a couple. She’s good though. She dropped in to the puzzle today, via her film THE NET (“1995 Sandra Bullock cyberthriller”).

    Sandra’s a Virginia girl, 61 years old now (ouch). Before her failed marriage to some no-name, she dated Troy Aikman, Matthew McConaughey and Ryan Gosling. She’s been popular among lunatic stalkers, one of whom committed suicide. She has two adopted kids. People magazine named her “Most Beautiful Woman” in 2015.

    Our photographer Phil refused the assignment, mentioning something about a restraining order. Figures he’d be one of her stalkers. So we got this shot off the interweb.

    This is nice: At 99D the clue was “What the ‘dalai’ of Dalai Lama translates to.” It’s OCEAN. Dalai Lama means Ocean of Wisdom.

    Egs complained about the clue at 64D. It was “Public health agency,” and the answer was CDC. Egs says the clue should say “former.”

    At 100D, for “Broken piece of pottery,” I filled in SHARD without hesitation and it was correct. But Anony Mouse says it should be SHERD. And she’s right! News to me (and the NYT puzzle department). Sherd specifically refers to a broken piece of pottery, especially when found at an archeological site. Shard more generally refers to a sharp, broken piece of anything, e.g., glass. It includes ceramic, but is not as pointed a descriptor.

    Thank goodness I went out for a walk and missed the weekly anti-excitement of the Jets snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. They actually came back from the dead to grab a lead with two minutes left via a blocked field goal returned for a TD – a rare “block six,” to coin a phrase. Of course, they couldn’t stop the Bucs from marching down for a game-winning field goal with time running out. They are 0-3 now. How many more to go? Groan.

    See you tomorrow! Thanks for popping by.

  • Echo Majors

    At 44A yesterday, the clue was “‘I, personally, wouldn’t boast about that.’” The answer was an expression I had never heard: WEIRD FLEX BUT OK. Let’s unpack it. First, to flex (as in one’s muscles) has taken on the meaning of “to boast.” Then you have the concept of boasting about something that you think is neat, but may not really be neat. E.g., “Hey, last weeked I ate 35 hot dogs and threw up all over my new car!” That would be called a “weird flex.” Finally, you have — Hey, that’s something weird to boast about, but whatever turns you on is fine with me: WEIRD FLEX, BUT OK.

    According to our friend Miriam W. the expression took off when a comic, Sarah Schauer, tweeted it in response to the rapist Brett Kavanaugh’s statement that he was a virgin in HS and for years after.

    Sarah seems likable. Here’s another tweet of hers: I was in line at the bookstore with my mom, and this guy behind me was talking shit about every woman in line: “her boobs are out . . . . those leggings are tight,” so I whispered “the guy behind us is looking at people’s boobs,” and my mom faces the guy and says “this guy is looking at women’s boobs??” Like she did that old person thing where they repeat everything you say and, tbh, I didn’t mind it this time. LMAO.

    At 20A, the clue was “____ Seymour, third wife of King Henry VIII.” The only name I could think of was JANE, the actress, but it was right! In fact, the actress was born Joyce Frankenburg, but took the stage name Jane Seymour after the historical figure! She’s 74 now and was a Bond girl in Live and Let Die.

    I sent an egg zerpt to Frank Bruni hoping for inclusion in his “For the Love of Sentences” feature. It’s from David Brooks’ piece in the NYT yesterday:

    “‘Sinful’ used to be a powerful, resonant, soul-shaking word.  Now it is mostly used in reference to desserts.”

    At 63A the clue was “According to experiments, they can’t ‘sleep’ in space.” For “sleep” you have to think of the yoyo trick — making the yoyo “sleep.” The answer is YOYOS. You need gravity for the trick so it cannot be done in space.

    Did you know there is an opposite to narcissism? It’s ECHOISM. It was in the puzzle today, clued with “Self-effacing personality trait.” It’s from way back in the origin of the myth. Echo, you see, was the nymph who fell madly in love with Narcissus. (Bad move. Just ask Trump’s wife, Malaria.) She was cursed to repeat the last few words she hears, i.e., to “echo” them. So echoists have no voice of their own and a fear of narcissism which leads to self-effacement, as the clue states.

    Here’s a shot of Echo, sadly watching Narcissus.

    Three items in today’s puzzle were: I GOTTA JET, clued with “Later!” TRADE WARS, clued with “New customs might incite them.” And KING ME, clued with “Demand upon reaching an ‘enemy border.’” (Think Checkers.) Here’s what egs put together:

    Reporter: Mr. President, what did you accomplish on your recent Middle East visit?
    Trump: IGOTTAJET
    Reporter: Any big plans for the coming days?
    Trump: TRADEWARS
    Reporter: And what would you ask the American people to do at this point?
    Trump: KINGME

    At 37A the clue was “Need anything else from me?” and the answer was AM I DONE?

    egs again:

    Shrink: Are you done with your crisis?
    Me: AM I DONE? No! I’m AMID ONE right now.

    Today’s puzzle was the hardest one I’ve seen in a while. Kudos to me for hacking my way through it. I had nothing the first time through, but slowly got little toeholds and was able to build off them. Here are two samples I had no idea on:

    60A: “Slower, musically.” Answer: MENO MOSSO.

    31D: “‘I don’t like it,’ in Spanish.” Answer: NO ME GUSTA.

    SRSLY?

    25A conjured up a sports figure whom I knew but who had to be a WOE (what on earth?) for most solvers: “M.L.B. third baseman Bohm.” It’s ALEC. He’s on the Phillies, but hardly a household name. He’s tall and good-looking, so it was no surprise to learn that his wife (and the love of his life) was this person:

    Her name is Jacque Darby, but it’s not a happy story. As far as I can tell, a DNA test revealed that the baby she had was not Alec’s. It led to his difficult decision to divorce her. Here’s Alec.

    We attended a memorial service for our dear friend Dan Reynolds today. It was beautiful. Many people spoke, from all the areas of his life, shedding a warm and wonderful light on his memory. Mary and the boys were remarkable. Friends Pam and Jack spoke very movingly — Pam got through it!! Good to see Roy, Didi, David, and Nancy too.

    Rest in peace Dan. You lived a good life.

  • The Catcher’s Attitude

    I have an account with Santander Bank. I tried to access my account on my phone but they said I couldn’t because I didn’t have a mobile phone number on file. If they had, they could send me a security code. Okay, so I went online via my laptop to update my profile to add the mobile phone number but they said I couldn’t because I didn’t have a mobile phone number on file! I am not kidding. I have to go to a branch office to do it. It’s a good thing I’m not driven to homicidal rages when things like this occur (much).

    It was not a good weather day for our ballgame on Tuesday. We took a chance even going. Not too many people took the chance. There were about seven of us in the stadium. (That’s an exaggeration, but it was pretty empty.) It was like having a private ballgame all to ourselves. Our seats were great. Just to the third base side of home, not very far up (300-level). And how often do you get to meet George Washington? (No. 1, for real.) Relaxing at the ballpark, in his Jim Harbaugh khakis.

    Jake Irvin was struggling but got out of jams in the first three innings and was all set to nurse our little 2-run lead home safely. But it was not to be. The Atlantans pounded him for five in the fourth, including two dingers, and we had to play catch-up the rest of the way and failed, falling 6-3 in the end. We enjoyed it nonetheless and stayed through eight innings until the wetness and cold got the better of us.

    A fan near us kept shouting instructions and encouragement. Usually that annoys me, the loudness, the boorishness. But I liked this guy. Very often he was shouting exactly what I was thinking, and he was funny.

    “Do not walk the leadoff man.”
    “Do not walk the leadoff man.”
    “Do not walk the leadoff man.”
    (Ball four)
    “I distinctly told you not to walk the leadoff man.”

    “Throw strikes.”
    “Let him hit; he can’t hurt us.”
    (Batter laces a sharp single to right.)
    “Okay — that one’s on me. That’s on me.”

    One reason we chose this game was “$5 Tuesday:” Hot dogs and beers for $5 each and cheap parking ($14). Hot dogs and beer at the ballpark — it’s the best lunch you can have. We enjoyed every bite.

    I took this shot as we were leaving. The few fans in attendance had left or took shelter from a sudden rain. You can see the players on the field with almost no one in the stands. An oddity.

    The poet Paul Zimmer turns 91 today, kinehora. Growing up in Canton, Ohio, his dream was to be a catcher for the Cleveland Indians. He had to give up that dream, but maybe not entirely. He said: “I have been a catcher all my life. Warehouse manager, technical writer, soldier, bookstore buyer, editor, publisher, husband, father, gardener, poet — I have borne the catcher’s attitude to all these tasks. I have given signals, received pitches, watched the field, kept my eye on the ball, avoided most cheap shots, backed up bases, stayed busy, chattered encouragement, made decisions.”

    The puzzle defeated me today. Yes, I know it’s only Thursday, but still. . .

    Right off the bat at 1A the clue was “Customizable, all-in-one internet digest.” What? It turned out to be RSS FEED. Still have no idea what that is, but that’s not what did me in. I got that through the crosses. What killed me were three short answers that crossed each other in the center: 28A “Equine hybrid (5 letters).” 28D: “Quality to which a unique six-character code is assigned, in graphic design (3).” 31A: “Terse reply to “Why? (3)”

    How’d you do? The answers are HINNY, HUE, and CUZ. (SRSLY, right?)

    I thought of jenny for the horse because that’s a type of donkey. Hue just didn’t come to me at all. And I thought of a shortened form of “because,” but didn’t think it was CUZ, because that’s a term of endearment (I hope it is) my cousins Dayle and Dianne call me.

    Oh, well. I’ll pat myself on the back for getting the rest of it — Rex rated it challenging, which is very very very rare for him.

    38D: “Constellation whose name is Latin for ‘lizard.’” LACERTA. (What?)

    From The Onion sportsdesk:

    Report Finds Majority Of Fumbles Recovered Within First 48 Hours

    Local News:

    Third Stepdad In Row Has Goatee

    Crossworld fave Paolo Pasco won his sixth Jeopardy! game yesterday and his total winnings so far are $162,117. He had been wagering very small amounts on Final Jeopardy, but he had to go big this time since the woman in second place could have reached him if she went big. The category was Novels and the the clue was “In April 2025 the Empire State Building was lit up green to celebrate the 100th anniversary of this novel’s publication.”

    I had no idea. I was thinking something Irish? It was The Great Gatsby. Both Paolo and the woman got it right. It brought him up to around $27K.

    Here are his two foes from his toughest fight (Monday). The kid on the right had him beat going into Final Jep. Seemed pretty stunned when P pulled the rug out.

    [Breaking news: Paolo won again tonight, easily. That’s #7 and another $33,000 or so.]

    Did you know that the state tree of South Dakota is the telephone pole?

    Baltimore has a real treasure of a movie theater: The Charles.

    After chillin’ for close to two hours with coffee and lunch at Dooby’s, we went over to see The Baltimorons, a new rom-com that takes place in Baltimore. We enjoyed it! Very likable “boy meets dentist” plot (lady dentist). It scored 93% with the critics at Rotten Tomatoes (85% with audiences). Brooklyn-born Olivia Luccardi is in it. Good job, girl! Hope to see more of you!

    Mark Timms of the Dull Men’s Club (UK) asks:

    I have just had a shower and found out your arms are just long enough to reach every square centimetre of your torso, with one arm you can wash the majority except for a small section of your upper back. This was just a personal experience: anyone out there able to wash their entire body single handed?

    Murray Atkinson: Nobody can wash their entire body with 1 hand… the elbow of that arm is the sticking point! I used to be able to do almost all the rest with either hand.. shoulders aren’t as flexible now!

    Roger Allen: I wouldn’t think that anyone can wash the posterior deltoid area of their shoulder with the same hand.

    Nick Morris: Not sure but I sit in the corner of the pub licking my eyebrows

    Graham Haddow: This is a very thoughtless, insensitive post. I have a frozen shoulder.

    Avi Liveson: Did someone say “torso?” Lydia the tattooed lady has eyes that folks adore so, and a torso even more so.

    Neil Stewart: I’d like to thank each and every member of Dull Men’s Club – UK Chapter for not posting any photos, let alone videos.

    Avi Liveson: Ouch.

    So the wife steps out of the shower and the husband steps in, and just then the doorbell rings. So the wife wraps a big white towel around herself and goes down to see who it is. It’s their neighbor, Lou. He takes one look at her and says: If you let go of that towel, I’ll give you $300. She thinks for a second and then, voila. The towel drops, and he gives her the money. She wraps the towel around herself again and goes back upstairs. The husband yells out of the shower: “Who was it?” She says: “Lou from next door.” He says: “Did he say anything about the $300 he owes me?”

    Every sport has its “unwritten rules.” When you hit a home run, if you spend too much time watching it at the plate, flip your bat (arrogantly), and in general enjoy it just a little too much, you are “showing up” the pitcher, and you can expect a 95-mile-per-hour fastball thrown at your head your next at-bat. No question.

    But tennis is simply off the planet, apparently. Taylor Townsend (of the U.S.) and Jelena Ostapenko (Latvia) got into a face-to-face argument on the court sideline right after Townsend won their second-round match 7-5, 6-1 at the U.S. Open recently. Ostapenko told Townsend she has “no class and no education.” Ostapenko has been accused of racism, which she denied. She told Townsend to wait until we play outside the U.S. Townsend said: “Bring it.”

    Ostapenko later explained what ticked her off so much. First, Townsend was “disrespectful” for not saying “sorry” after being helped by a net cord during a point. (Gasp.) AND Townsend began warming up before the match up at the net, instead of back at the baseline. Shoot her!! (While most players begin at the baseline, Townsend has started with volleying for years.)

    Townsend had the last word: “The thing that I’m the most proud of is that I let my racket talk. Because ultimately, I’m the one here, sitting in front of you guys, moving on to the next round, getting the next check, moving on, being able to still be here and speak to you guys, and that’s what’s the most important,” Townsend said. “She’s packed up and she’s gone.” Hey, T, no one likes a sore winner.

    What we take out of this: Don’t f*ck with a Chicago girl.

    See you tomorrow Chatterheads. Thanks for popping in.