The Wellington Files

  • Canis Major

    Stephen Marshall of the Dull Men’s Club (UK) asks: Anyone know what these bugs are and how to get rid of them? Google lens say they are weevils. They have devastated the leaves on our cherry tree.

    Gavin Webster: Which is the lesser of two weevils?

    Andy Colleran: Closing your hand sharpish should get rid quickly.

    Ian Shore: I asked one of my German cousin’s for you Stephen, and he replied: Weevil look into zis for you, weevil try google first! Weevil find a final solution to rid you of zis invasion!”

    Andy Bound: I believe they wobble but they don’t fall down unfortunately.

    [OC note: Andy is referring to the following:]

    This poem is called “Couple at Coney Island.” It’s by Charles Simic and was in today’s Writer’s Almanac.

    It was early one Sunday morning,
    So we put on our best rags
    And went for a stroll along the boardwalk
    Till we came to a kind of palace
    With turrets and pennants flying.
    It made me think of a wedding cake
    In the window of a fancy bakery shop.

    I was warm, so I took my jacket off
    And put my arm round your waist
    And drew you closer to me
    While you leaned your head on my shoulder.
    Anyone could see we’d made love
    The night before and were still giddy on our feet.
    We looked naked in our clothes

    Staring at the red and white pennants
    Whipped by the sea wind.
    The rides and shooting galleries
    With their ducks marching in line
    Still boarded up and padlocked.
    No one around yet to take our first dime.

    Toni Morrison was in the puzzle yesterday. Did you know her first name is actually Chloe? And Toni is short for her first middle name which is Anthony. Her second middle name is Wofford.

    When you make pasta, do you save the water it’s boiled in? The clue at 57A yesterday was “Cooking byproduct sometimes called ‘liquid gold.’” The answer was PASTA WATER. News to me.

    Anonymous noted: Despite being Italian, and helping grandma make the homemade pasta , not once did I see her use pasta water. Looked it up. It is a very real thing. And it is supposed to enhance flavor. Tried it this morning with my own homemade pasta sauce and homemade pasta out of curiosity— added nothing to the flavor.

    But Teedmn wrote: My understanding is that PASTA WATER isn’t there for flavor but to thicken the sauce so it sticks to the noodles. Before I learned the trick of reserving some of the water for the sauce, my spaghetti sauce would be watery and not cling to the pasta. And Les S. More added: it doesn’t really thicken the sauce so much as it loosens it without thinning it much, if that makes sense. That’s because of the starch. Added bonus: the water is usually a bit salty and adds depth to the sauce’s flavour. Peamut noted he or she was at a cooking class recently and the teacher said using pasta water in making pizza dough was highly recommended.

    Anony Mouse 2 said the clue was “baloney,” that chicken fat (aka schmaltz) was “liquid gold,” not pasta water. And get off my lawn!

    At 18A, “Downward-facing dog?” which sounds like a yoga position, was a clever clue for the constellation CANIS MAJOR.

    It led egs to note: I don’t want to say she has a big butt, but her CANISMAJOR!

    This story by Suzanne Schneck is in tomorrow’s Met Diary.

    My husband and I were in New York to see “Good Night and Good Luck,” and I had gotten done up for the occasion: dress, hair, makeup, jewelry, a stunning but impractical white coat and an infrequently worn pair of kitten heels.

    As we walked to the theater, the promise of spring was in the air, and I was feeling upbeat. I was gliding along. The next thing I knew, I was tumbling in slow motion onto the dirty pavement at Broadway and 44th Street.

    My coat and my ego were a bit tarnished as my husband rushed to help me up. To my surprise, two young men also stopped to help.

    As I turned to thank them, one of them smiled.

    “Hon,” he said, “it was totally worth it! Those shoes are fabulous.”

    Jane Eyre was in the puzzle yesterday. So I posted the following: “The bookseller discounted his entire inventory. And when one buyer scooped up everything by Charlotte Bronte, the Eyre went out of his sales.”

    Also yesterday, at 30D I had no idea why “Seeking comment?” was the clue for READY OR NOT. Turns out it a reference to the kids’ game “Hide and Seek.” When whoever is it starts to “seek,” he or she announces: “Ready or not, here I come.” Remember Jackson Browne? I saw him perform in Buffalo NY when I was living in Rochester. Excellent show.

    Here’s the grid from today’s puzzle, below. It’s unusual for there to be giant black blocks like that. Rex didn’t notice what they are. I didn’t either, but at 8:41 am another Anony Mouse noted that they are kites (with tails). And that works with the answer at 7D: LETS GO FLY A KITE! Nice.

    Jeepers, Creepers, where’d you get those peepers? I bet the younger among us have not heard of that idiotic verse (if there are any young among us). Well, the use of “peepers” for eyes is still current. We speak of a “peeping Tom,” for example. It made for a very difficult clue today. At 20A the clue was “Baby blue, perhaps.” It was a reference to blue eyes, but singular. So the answer was PEEPER. Here’s a random pair of blue peepers. (Hi Tay! Sup?)

    According to historian Heather Cox Richardson, Trump has tapped Fox News host Jeanine Pirro, who is passionately loyal to him, for the position of U.S. attorney in Washington D.C., the top federal prosecutor in the nation’s capital. He noted among her qualifications that she “hosted her own Fox News Show for ten years, and is currently Co-Host of The Five, one of the Highest Rated Shows on Television.”

    Fox took Pirro off the air after the 2020 election because of her conspiracy-theory-filled rants. In emails, her executive producer called her “nuts” and a “reckless maniac,” who “should never be on live television.”

    On another front, Trump’s replacement pick for surgeon general, Casey Means, did not finish her residency and is not currently licensed as a doctor. At least she’s pretty. Here’s the mighty Casey.

    Richardson states: The administration appears not to be able to attract the caliber of federal officials to which Americans have become accustomed.

    Ya think?

    See you tomorrow! Thanks for popping by.

  • Two Dolls

    In the puzzle today, the clue at 3D was “Ascetic breakfast selection” and the answer was PLAIN TOAST. It gave me the chance to share one of my favorite psychiatrist jokes with the Commentariat.

    So Abe had been seeing his psychiatrist for years and one day the doc says “Abe, you’re doing very well. We’ve made as much progress as we can make. I’m recommending that we end our sessions.” And Abe says “Doc, no! I can’t possibly live without you.” The doc says “Don’t be silly. You’ll be fine. I’m not abandoning you — here’s my private number. If you need me any time of the day or night, just call me.” Abe grudgingly says okay.

    For several weeks everything seemed fine, but then very early one morning the doctor’s phone rang. It was Abe.

    Abe: Doc! I had to call. I just had a very disturbing dream.
    Doc: What was it?
    Abe: In the dream, you were my mother.
    Doc: Oh, my! What did you do?
    Abe: Well, I wrote it all down, like you taught me.
    Doc: Good. Then what?
    Abe: I had some breakfast.
    Doc: Okay. What did you have?
    Abe: Some coffee and a piece of toast.
    Doc: You call that breakfast??

    Speaking of food, I must tell you about Luigi’s. After a wonderful morning strolling around the sculpture garden at the Baltimore Museum of Art, we had to choose between Jewish and Italian for sandwiches for lunch. Luigi’s wasn’t far away and seemed interesting. We loved it! It’s in a neat artsy but not phony neighborhood with a whole bunch of interesting restaurants. It was hard to find Luigi’s — I had to check the address on my phone. But there it was — you had to walk up a short flight of steps to a small porch. I started opening the door — you know, to walk in — but a voice sort of barked at me out of a window — “We’re only doing take-out today, but you can eat on the porch.” There were only four seats along a counter facing the street. “This is the only area?” I asked. “Yes.” They were empty so I assigned Linda to guard two of them as I placed the order. One meatball “chub,” a specialty of theirs, akin to a meatball sub, and the Italian cold cut hero. One hot, one cold. $12.75 each — just about $30 total with tax and tip.

    The vibe was very good. The weather was perfect and we enjoyed watching the street life while we waited for our order. When it came — ecstasy! An enormous half-loaf of Italian bread stuffed with sauce, m-balls, and cheese. We couldn’t even think of unwrapping the cold one. Had to push dinner off too. Great stuff. And the stream of customers for the small hard-to-find spot never abated.

    From Frank Bruni’s newsletter this week:

    On Trump’s observation that Americans can get by with just 2 dolls rather than 30, Drew Goins wrote in WAPO: “One supposes that President Donald Trump is correct that Americans technically could scrape by with ‘two dolls’ instead of ‘30 dolls.’ The problem is that Americans like having 30 dolls, or 30 pairs of Nikes, or — perhaps not 30 TVs, but at least more than one, because sometimes you and all your dolls want to watch different programs.”

    Trump pulled his nominee for Sturgeon General a day before confirmation hearings were to start, perhaps because right-wing lunatic Laura Loomer questioned her anti-vax creds. So Casey Means is the new nominee. She’s in the RFK, Jr., boat with impeccable MAHA standing: Make America Hot Again, oops, I mean Healthy.

    Small follow-up point on the movie Bad Shabbos. Delighted to see Josh Mostel in a small role. He looked good! Brandeis grad, of course.

    Here’s a work by Alexander Calder that’s in the sculpture garden in the Baltimore Museum of Art.

    Rodin’s statute of Balzac is there too.

    How often do we get to end this nonsense with works of fine art? See you tomorrow!

  • Let’s Play Two!

    Monday’s rainout of the Gnats game meant Tuesday would be a “traditional” doubleheader: one ticket gets you two back-to-back games. Woo-hoo! We were all set to show up for the 6:45 singleton, but we popped in a little after 4 instead to pick up most of Game 1, to be followed by Game 2. Cleveland was the opposition — a good team. The weather was spectacular and we had good seats. Play ball!!

    When we arrived it was 2-1 Guardians, but as we were getting into our seats James Wood popped one with a man on for the Gnats, so we began our night up 3-2. That’s my favorite type of game — nursing a small lead, so every pitch matters. Jake Irvin was pitching well for us, and we squeezed out a run in the 5th and two terrific more runs in the sixth, with very timely hitting, so things looked pretty safe heading into the seventh inning up 6-2. But the bullpen — Jose A. Ferrer in particular, — crashed to hell, and it was hit after hit after hit, and the lead we tried to cling to by our fingertips turned into a dreadful 8-6 deficit by the time the bloodshed ceased. Oh, no — unimaginable disaster. Cleveland put a six spot up in the top of the seventh and things were looking bad.

    Just as I was opining to Linda how the leadoff man in the inning’s bottom would either give us hope or sink us into deeper despair, Alex Call walked. Okay, good. Then, after an out, Nathaniel Lowe singled to center. Tying runs on base — I like this! Then Keibert Ruiz stroked another hit to right center driving in Call and sending Lowe to third! It’s not over! The tying run’s on third with only one out! But Garcia struck out — the only thing he could’ve done worse would have been a double play. Now it would take a hit to tie the game. Dylan Crews was up — a very handsome young man who was a high draft pick and excelled at LSU but was struggling in the majors. It was a good moment for him and he didn’t squander it. He drilled a double to deep left field, tying the game — incredible! — and putting two more runners in scoring position. Cleveland changed pitchers, but there was no stopping the Gnats now — Tena’s shot gave us the lead back, 10-8. We just had to hold it for two more innings. Yikes.

    The 8th went well and so the game was put into the hands of our closer Kyle Finnegan — I love the guy (he’s from Detroit), but he’s a cardiologist’s nightmare, and I stupidly left my heart pills in the car. In about two seconds, the Guardians put runners on first and third with only one out. The next batter lofted a deep fly that was caught — fantastic — but the runner scored from third. It was 10-9 now. We just needed one more out, and a line drive to short took care of it. What a sweet win! “Never in doubt,” I told Linda.

    We had 40 minutes until Game 2 was to start, and we celebrated with dinner at the ballpark. It was $5 hot dog and beer night — so I ordered two dogs for us and a cold one for me. So delicious!

    The Gnats held their own through five scoreless innings in Game 2, but the wheels fell off the bus after that and we left in the seventh inning of their 9-1 loss. That’s okay — we had no complaints.

    Here’s Dylan Crews. I told you he was handsome. Sorry, girls, looks like he’s taken.

    I loved today’s puzzle. It was based entirely on a bit of trivia involving Pittsburgh — just the sort of nonsense we live for. Did you know that from 1891 to 1911, the “h” was dropped and the city was Pittsburg? I won’t bore you with the details — I’ll bore you with other stuff — but the issue arose in part due to a typo. Anyway, the puzzle’s theme answers were phrases that had two meanings that differed depending on that H at the end. E.g., at 30A the answer PUT UP WIT(H), was clued by “Endure” (with the H) and “Display some humorous posters” (without the H). Who comes up with this stuff? (Well, in this case it was Tom McCoy.)

    We took in a crazy movie in Baltimore’s beautiful, historic Charles Street Theater this afternoon. It was called Bad Shabbos. It takes place at a Friday night (the Jewish Sabbath) dinner during which the parents of an engaged couple are meeting for the first time — he’s Jewish, she’s converting. At first I thought, Oh no! — it’s too broadly drawn, it’s not working. But the insanity drew me in and I starting laughing out loud. The sister was the woman from the old AT&T ads, below, and the brother was way too broadly drawn — but I loved him. The mom was Kyra Sedgwick and the dad David Paymer. Did you know Kyra’s mom was Jewish and she identifies a Jewish? (She is a also a descendant of William Ellery, a signatory of the Declaration of Independence.)

    Here’s Milana Vayntrub. (That’s her name — I’m not kidding.) Very pretty, right?

    I have more to share about our quick getaway (one overnight) to Balt/DC, but I’m too tired from the drive. Thanks for popping in — I’ll continue tomorrow.

  • Since I Toddled

    Tamara de Lempicka has been dead for 45 years. Unlike Jim Morrison of the Doors, she is still dead. She was a painter in the art deco style, born in Poland, but worked in the U.S. and France. Her parents were both Jewish, but they converted, and Tamara was raised as a Protestant. She was a baroness by marriage and lived a high society life. She was mostly an absent mom to her daughter Kizette, but immortalized her in her paintings. It was fairly daring for constructor Eric Rollfing to include such a non-famous figure in a Monday puzzle, clued via “de Lempicka, Art Deco painter.”

    The puzzle’s theme was revealed at 59A where the clue was “I’ve known them forever!” and the answer was WE GO WAY BACK. And the three long theme answers were things that “go back,” viz., DENTIST’S CHAIR, TIME MACHINE, and CREDIT HISTORY. But this oddly compelling song by Marlon Williams is called “Don’t Go Back.”

    At 8D the clue was “Feeling while walking in a desert,” and the answer was THIRST.

    Old New Yorker cartoon:

    A pair of men are crawling through the desert desperate for water. In the distance they see another man crawling directly towards them, similarly desperate for water. One of them says to the other: “That’s a bad sign.”

    Great clue/answer at 58A: “Who am ______ judge? Answer: ITO. (For the young among you, Judge Ito was the judge in the OJ Simpson trial.)

    At 3D, for the clue “numbskull” the answer was NIMROD. If you look nimrod up in the dictionary it has two definitions. One is mighty hunter, based on a figure in the Bible, and one is dimwit. How could two so different images emerge? Many blame Bugs Bunny, but it was actually Daffy Duck. In any event, the nimrod was unquestionably Elmer Fudd. Fudd as a hunter was sarcastically referred to as nimrod, the great biblical hunter. And the term stuck with its secondary meaning of dimwit. Bugs is so closely related to Fudd that he gets the credit/blame, but it was actually Daffy who hit Fudd with the term. Bugs later called Yosemite Sam a “little nimrod.” Credit where due: In both cases (Bugs and Daffy) it was voiced by the great Mel Blanc.

    Four cousins and a niece, yesterday: Dayle, Linda, YT, Niece Tamar, and Mike. Delaware, Jersey, Jersey, California, Delaware.

    Follow-ups:

    1. Kavan Markwood is the fan who fell out of the stands at a ballgame in Pittsburgh recently. We shared the horrific video of the fall on OC, you may recall. We still don’t know what caused the fall, but we’ve received word he is awake, alert, and able to speak. He has a long journey ahead of him for a physical recovery.

    2. You may also recall we posed the question: In the classic song “Darling Be Home Soon,” what word is used to rhyme with “dawdled?” The answer is “toddled” and I have no idea what it means in the context of the song. Here’s the chorus:

    But darling, be home soon
    I couldn’t bear to wait an extra minute if you dawdled
    My darling, be home soon
    It’s not just these few hours but I’ve been waiting since I toddled
    For the great relief of having you to talk to.

    So, toddled? It can’t mean “since he was a toddler.” The definition of toddle is to walk like a young child.

    Whatever. Let’s remember that time again.

    John Sebastian is 81 years old now. He was born in NYC and grew up in Little Italy and Greenwich Village. His dad was a “noted classical harmonica player,” according to Wikipedia. Get this! — his neighbor across the hall was Eleanor Roosevelt, and his godmother was Vivian Vance (“Ethel Mertz” from I Love Lucy).

      Sebastian made an unscheduled appearance at Woodstock [see above]. He traveled to the festival as a spectator, but was asked to appear when the organizers suddenly needed an acoustic performer after a rain break because they couldn’t set up amps on stage for Santana until the water was swept off.

      The following paragraph is for those of you who may not believe how high people were back then:

      Sources that have tried to reconstruct the Woodstock running order differ on the exact time and position of Sebastian’s unplanned set, with some stating that he played on Saturday, August 16, immediately after Country Joe McDonald; others saying that on that Saturday, Santana followed McDonald and Sebastian appeared after Santana; and still others, including McDonald, recalling that Sebastian actually played on Friday, August 15, at some point after Richie Havens opened the festival.

      I think that’s Grace Slick in the center, below. Phil — amirite? She’s 85 now.

      Seems like yesterday. (Not kidding.)

      It’s been a little bleak at OC headquarters since Georgie was carted off to the hoosegow. Really miss the big fella. Maybe a trip down to the Nats game tomorrow with a stayover near Baltimore will perk things up. Philly — you with us??

      See you next time!

    1. Give Her the Flower, Man!

      For you numerology/good-luck buffs, yesterday’s post was #777. Hi Mick! If my life depended on it, I could maybe remember three or four. Thankfully, they sail far away the moment I hit “publish.”

      Anyway, I learned a new initialism from my Californian niece Tamar. She grew up in the NY region and was thus raised on NY-quality bagels. They are hard to come by where she lives now. So the term they use for the bagels out there is BSO — bagel shaped object.

      Bagel purists are horrified by any bagel more modern than a core of bagels comprised typically of plain, poppy, sesame, onion, and garlic. Things like blueberry bagels and even cinnamon-raisin are scoffed at.

      This story is from today’s Met Diary in the NYT. It’s by Richie Powers and is called “Unacceptable.”

      Dear Diary:

      I went to a new bagel store in Brooklyn Heights with my son.

      When it was my turn to order, I asked for a cinnamon raisin bagel with whitefish salad and a slice of red onion.

      The man behind the counter looked up at me.

      “I’m sorry,” he said. “I can’t do that.”

      Here’s a “tiny love story” from today’s NYT by Alison Stine:

      He and I were walking, deep in conversation (in college, everything was serious). A group of lacrosse players with sticks walked toward us. In the path between us sat a magnolia blossom, big and pink, blown from a tree in the rain. We noticed the flower, and the lacrosse players did too. As we got closer and closer to the blossom, the players couldn’t contain themselves. They shouted to my friend (in unison as if they had practiced): “Come on! Give her the flower, man!” He obliged. Our romance never bloomed. But every spring, I smile, remembering that moment. 

      I was taking a walk in my neighborhood years ago and a couple was far ahead of me walking towards me. They seemed friendly and probably in their late 40’s. They were far enough away that I could not hear what they were saying, but at one point the wife reached over and punched the husband on his shoulder. When we got close enough to converse I said to her: “Don’t hit him!” And the husband said: “Tell her!!”

      This song is called “You in the Sky,” and it’s by The Waterboys. Perfect for a Sunday morning. (56D: “Where to see contrails.” SKY)

      I want to know why clouds come in between you and I.

      107A: “Famous Leonardo da Vinci drawing with four arms and four legs.” Not famous enough for me to have heard of him: VITRUVIAN MAN. Of course, we’ve all seen the guy. This is the woman.

      Lenny was inspired by the writings of the architect Vitruvius. It depicts a nude man in two superimposed positions with his arms and legs apart and inscribed in both a circle and square. The drawing represents L’s conception of ideal body proportions. Blah blah blah. . .

      This poem is called “Tosca” and is by George Bilgere.

      My sister held on to our old turntable
      and all the old records we listened to
      through the long Italian opera

      of our childhood. So tonight
      we sit in the living room with some wine
      and Puccini, as the needle scratches

      the black door of the past, the air comes to life
      with that lovely, cornball melodrama,
      and our father is sitting in his chair,

      ice cubes clinking in his scotch,
      and our mother is in the kitchen
      trying to be quiet, trying not to disturb

      Maria Callas as she explains
      to Tito Gobbi that she has lived for art
      and she has lived for love, but it’s hard

      to fry pork chops and dice an onion
      without making a certain amount of noise,
      and pretty soon my father is shouting at her,

      he’s trying to listen to the music
      for God’s sake, could she for once
      show a little respect,

      and our mother says nothing,
      it’s just the same old argument
      between ghosts, after all—the music

      won’t let them sleep—
      though it has my sister in tears,
      and even Tosca has begun to weep.

      Long day visiting our dear Aunt Anita in Delaware, 96, kinehora. What a wonderful doll. See you tomorrow.

    2. Who Wants A Bucket Of Cement?

      Waiter: How did you find the chicken?
      Customer: It was under the potatoes.

      This poem by Tomás Q. Morín was today’s poem-a-day from Poets.org. It’s called “Bird.”

      After I fumble another conversation about love, I think,
      Bird wouldn’t have hesitated for a moment, played
      coy as if everyone didn’t already know what #33 would do,
      daggers for eyes, soft hands ready to guide that orange ball
      exactly where he said he would. I’ve taken shots before,
      fear be damned, and missed more than I made,
      gone up and down the court enough to know
      halftime won’t fix everything.
      I’m bruised, my knee barks, my shot is shit, and I
      just need the bank to be open for once, for the glass to
      kiss the ball back, softly. I’m always writing to you
      like a last-ditch prayer, a heave from halfcourt
      moving like a meteor, like I could turn this white page of
      nothing into a night sky, these words constellations,
      old messages that would say in a hundred different
      shapes that I love you. All I ever wanted was Bird’s game,
      quietly telling opponents the spot on the floor where he would
      rise, after a screen and two dribbles, in the corner like a yellow
      sun and let the ball fly. I’m always writing to you
      to remind myself that all love poems are about the future.
      Under the bright lights of this metaphor, I’m digging deep, not
      vanishing when it matters most, to find the heart to take a shot
      when the clock winds down to nothing. The X-Man,
      Xavier McDaniel, laughs when he tells of how Bird took his heart once.
      You already know you have mine when the clock says
      zero my no-look mouth, my honey crossover, my silky net.

      Morín said this about the poem:

      “Hall of Famer Larry Joe Bird of the Boston Celtics was my favorite basketball player when I was a kid, partly because we both hailed from small, rural towns, and because he played with so much passion and joy. Stories of his confidence are legendary, especially how he told opponents what he planned to do and then did it. An abecedarian also announces to a reader its formal intentions. In keeping with the ancient function of the form, my poem is a hymn, a praise song for love and basketball and our beautiful human hearts that dare.”

      Here’s a shot Phil sent in of Larry and Mrs. Larry. Phil: Whatever you said to them to coax out a smile — don’t try that again. Sheesh.

      The actor Sean Patrick Small played Larry Bird in an HBO series that first aired in March of 2022. It was called “Winning Time: The Rise of the Lakers Dynasty.” (Ouch.)

      Overheard snippet on WQXR this morning (NY’s classical music station). Jeff Spurgeon discussing some opera: “If he was in such a hurry, why did he hold those notes for so long?”

      Pretty California girls celebrating Israel Independence Day in these troubled times. The blond near the teacher is our grand-niece Cordelia (older sister of Maeven, the new one, a munchkin, pictured below).

      From The Onion:

      Trump: Russia Must Be Allowed To Keep Fighting As Part Of Any Ceasefire Deal

      Today’s puzzle was by beloved constructor Robyn Weintraub. Her puzzles can be chatty. So, e.g., at 40A for the clue “Yadda, yadda, yadda,” the answer was YOU GET THE IDEA. And at 25A, “Is that an amazing offer or what?” was HOW CAN I RESIST?

      Her cleverest today IMO was at 17A. The clue was “Sides of circles?” and the answer was ONION RINGS. Get it? Think “side dish.”

      At 51A, for “To nobody’s surprise. . . ” the answer was AS EXPECTED. It led commenter Teedmn to share this story:

      AS EXPECTED reminds me of a letter I got from my doctor. I had gone in due to feeling dizzy occasionally and was afraid I had Lyme disease. When I mentioned this to the doctor, she totally pooh-poohed the idea, told me to drink more water. She did order a blood test for the Lyme disease. The letter she wrote about the results said, “negative for Lyme disease, AS EXPECTED.” Ouch, what a CRAB! 

      At 24D “Concrete example of rotational forces and fluid dynamics?” was CEMENT MIXER. This old tune is new to me, but only because I had a deprived childhood.

      At 6D, “No need to respond right now” was THINK IT OVER.

      25D was a little puzzling. The clue was “One of two for one” and the answer was HALF. Here’s Rex on it, followed by a very good song shared by Son Volt:

       I could not make heads or tails of the HALF clue at first (25D: One of two for one). I am doing so many cryptic crosswords these days that I just looked at the clue and started thinking about it on a very literal basis, i.e. “what does the word ‘one’ have two of? Uh … vowels?” No no no. I mean, yes, it has two vowels, but no, that is not relevant here. But yes, any one thing, cut in half, has two … halves? I guess you can’t really argue with that.

      I picked up a copy of Erica Heller’s book about her family “Yossarian Slept Here.” Her parents met at Grossingers resort in the Catskills. Her grandmother saw Joe Heller joking around with his friends and something about him caught her attention. She went up to him and said “Have I got a girl for you!”

      After they got engaged her mom decided she didn’t want to marry Joe and asked her mother (Erica’s grandmother) to break the engagement for her. Erica writes (a bit jarringly?): “But asking my grandmother to intervene in this way was like entrusting Hermann Göring to light your Shabbat candles. There was no way it was happening.”

      Story in The Onion:

      Professor Deeply Hurt by Student’s Evaluation

      Leon Rothberg, Ph.D., a 58-year-old professor of English Literature at Ohio State University, was shocked and saddened Monday after receiving a sub-par mid-semester evaluation from freshman student Chad Berner. The circles labeled 4 and 5 on the Scan-Tron form were predominantly filled in, placing Rothberg’s teaching skill in the “below average” to “poor” range.

      Although the evaluation has deeply hurt Rothberg’s feelings, Berner defended his judgment at a press conference yesterday.

      “That class is totally boring,” said Berner, one of 342 students in Rothberg’s introductory English 161 class. “When I go, I have to read the school paper to keep from falling asleep. One of my brothers does a comic strip called ‘The Booze Brothers.’ It’s awesome.”

      The poor rating has left Rothberg, a Rhodes Scholar, distraught and doubting his ability to teach effectively at the university level.

      “Maybe I’m just no good at this job,” said Rothberg, recipient of the 1993 Jean-Foucault Lacan award from the University of Chicago for his paper on public/private feminist deconstructive discourse in the early narratives of Catherine of Siena. “Chad’s right. I am totally boring.”

      In the wake of the evaluation, Rothberg is considering canceling his fall sabbatical to the University of Geneva, where he is slated to serve as a Henri Bynum-Derridas Visiting Scholar. Instead, Rothberg may take a rudimentary public speaking course as well as offer his services to students like Berner, should they desire personal tutoring.

      “The needs of my first-year students come well before any prestigious personal awards offered to me by international academic assemblies,” Rothberg said. “After all, I have dedicated my life to the pursuit of knowledge, and to imparting it to those who are coming after me. I know that’s why these students are here, so I owe it to them.”

      Though Rothberg, noted author of The Violent Body: Marxist Roots of Postmodern Homoerotic Mysticism and the Feminine Form in St. Augustine’s Confessions, has attempted to contact Berner numerous times by telephone, Berner has not returned his calls, leading Rothberg to believe that Berner is serious in his condemnation of the professor.

      “I’m always stoned when he calls, so I let the answering machine pick it up,” said Berner, who maintains a steady 2.3 GPA. “My roommate just got this new bong that totally kicks ass. We call it Sky Lab.”

      Those close to Rothberg agree that the negative evaluation is difficult to overcome. “Richard is trying to keep a stiff upper lip around his colleagues, but I know he’s taking it very hard,” said Susan Feinstein-Rothberg, a fellow English professor and Rothberg’s wife of 29 years. “He knows that students like Chad deserve better.”

      See you next time Chatterheads! Thanks for popping by.

    3. Shirley Heller’s Pot Roast

      On this date in 1923, in Coney Island, Brooklyn, the patron saint of Owl Chatter was born: Joseph Heller. A snippy interviewer once told him he never produced anything else as good as Catch-22. Heller responded, “Who has?” Heller was a shameless womanizer and his divorce from his wife Shirley was brutal. He loved her pot roast but she refused to tell him her “secret.” He offered their daughter Erica $10,000 for it, but Shirley made it quite clear that Erica was not to share it. When, after Joe’s death, Erica published her book about the family, Yossarian Slept Here, she included the recipe in full on the final page. Here are Erica and her dad.

      These lines are from a poem we are not sharing in OC:

      Morning’s slow mucus, and Sixth Avenue
      opened, that strip of vowels and fever silhouettes.

      Trump may turn out to be the best climate crisis president ever. A story in the NYT today noted that the global recession he is causing will reduce economic activity so significantly that the pressure on global warming will ease. (Short-term only.)

      From Frank Bruni’s For the love of sentences feature:

      In USA Today, Rex Huppke pondered the president’s rambling reverie about “an old-fashioned term that we use — groceries” and his definition of it as “a bag with different things in it.” “Jiminy Crickets,” Huppke wrote, “the cheese has slid so far off this guy’s cracker that it hit the floor and the dog ate it.”

      In the puzzle today, at 51D the clue was “Popping pills, say,” and the answer was ON MEDS. It led commenter Gary to note: “I’m an elder now. When does the revering start?”

      At 68A, the clue was “Title friend of Marlin in an animated film,” and the answer was DORY. My comment: I can’t watch a Mets game anymore without mentioning to my wife five or six times that I’m “finding Nimmo.” (Brandon Nimmo, left field.)

      At 39D: “Piercings that might be felt while kissing,” was LIP RINGS. Here’s egs: I recently swallowed my phone and now when I get a call my LIP RINGS. (My comment: Soon you’ll be giving a whole new meaning to the term “butt dialing.”)

      My favorite clue/answer was at 20A. The clue was “Places to carry out some takeout orders, for short?” And the answer was ORS. Get it? Operating rooms — “takeout” orders.

      Say it ain’t so, Mariano! Our forever hero Mariano Rivera may be in a bit of hot water for a “blown save” off the baseball diamond. He and wifey were added as defendants in a suit alleging a child was abused while in the care of the ironically named Refuge of Hope Church in Westchester NY, which the Riveras founded. They are accused of failing to protect the child. (Mariano is also guilty of blowing the 2001 World Series to ‘Zona in Game 7. (Ouch.))

      First of all, according to court records, the child’s name is Jane Doe, which is pretty suspicious from the get-go, amirite? The Riveras claim they were not aware of the abuse.

      Has Owl Chatter sunk so low that we will use an incidence of child abuse to go after cheap laughs? (SRSLY — you have to ask?)

      Here are Mariano and wife Clara laughing it up at the ballpark. Monsters!!

      Yikes! Are you aware that people have been falling out of the stands at baseball games and dying?? It happened in Texas in 2011 and in Atlanta in 2015. And, then, yesterday, in Pittsburgh it happened again. We have a video of it — it’s horrifying The fan seems to self-propel out of his seat and onto the field. He was tended to by medics and is in the hospital now in critical condition. Brace yourself. Or don’t watch.

      Sheesh — we can’t end with that.

      So — I was today years old when I learned this new word: You know how (often in cartoons) a bunch of typographical symbols may be used in place of an obscenity? — “Why, you conniving little #%@&$!” The string of symbols is called a grawlix.

      Grawlix is not to be confused with gravlax, which I confuse with lox. Gravlax comes from grav (cured, as fish) + laks (salmon). I started trying to find out how gravlax differs from lox, but it was too hard for me.

      I hope that’s enough nonsense for the day. I’m getting sleepy. See you next time.

    4. Hand Soap

      On this date in 1952 Anne Frank’s diary was published in English. It was published in Dutch in 1947. Sixteen different American publishers rejected the English translation before Doubleday picked it up; one reader at Alfred A. Knopf dismissed the book as “very dull.” In the Dull Men’s Club (UK), of course, that’s considered high praise.

      “As long as this exists,” I thought, “and I may live to see it, this sunshine, the cloudless skies, while this lasts, I cannot be unhappy.” The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature, and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature. As long as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be. And I firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troubles.

      Daniel Leaney of the Dull Men’s Club (UK) has asked for advice.

      After 40 years with my wife, I have come to the conclusion that’s she’s “gone bad.” I have just noticed that ,,, She chews ice cream ,,, that’s not normal.

      Here are some of the dullest comments:

      Eric Armitage: Is that a euphemism?

      Anne Warner: Open the door, walk out, don’t look back. This is just the start of madness.

      John Hodgson: Sort all those commas out then get back to us.

      Kieran Madden: The triple commas are far far far stranger and more baffling than chewing ice cream. SERIOUSLY WHAT IS IT WITH THE TRIPLE COMMAS WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT? Sorry. I’ve been bottling up the bafflement for too many years.

      Avi Liveson: Must be commatose, no?

      Ashley Gray: If that’s all you’ve noticed after 40 years then you’re very fortunate… After 40 years I’ve noticed everything.. every tiny little annoying thing… even things she doesn’t do annoy me.

      Philip Gleeson: I did my dessert-tation on this. I’ll give you the scoop. There is no rum or raisin to this behaviour! I know it’s cold but, she’s gone bad.

      Anne Warner: I was watching Bargain Hunt today, one team had bought Ice Cream Forks – Forks! What’s that all about?

      Christine Everest: Jason Momoa bites ice cream.

      Jason Andreoli: Mine once took a bite out of a complete KitKat, right across all four fingers. It’s sensible to ignore these things as pointing them out never ends well.

      Lainey Sobe: The horror!

      Avi Liveson: I didn’t know they are called “fingers.”

      Do you know the expression “to clean his clock” in the sense of beating him pretty badly? “I thought Johnny could hold his own against Max, but Max really cleaned his clock.” It may come from boxing with the reference to a (clock’s) face getting beaten up.” Anyway, it was the puzzle theme today. CLEAN ONE’S CLOCK ran down the center of the grid, clued with “Beat an opponent soundly.” Then two theme answers were HAND SOAP and FACE WASH. Get it? A clock’s “hands” and “face” are getting cleaned. Commenter Lewis said the soap should be “Dial.”

      Walking thru Macy’s in the mall today, a young woman sprayed some perfume on Linda’s wrist. It was nice. I asked her how much it cost and she said a half-ounce cost $85. I said “$85!! What the hell’s in it — eggs??”

      Headlines from The Onion:

      Handwriting Expert Confirms Killer Used Cursive

      Study: People Far Away From You Not Actually Smaller

      We took advantage of being retired and went to see a movie in the middle of the goddamn day. Sinners. You hear about it? Yikes. Very high Rotten Tomatoes scores both from critics and audiences. Very intense. An odd blend of old Black Blues musicians and vampires. (Not kidding.) Excellent performances by everyone — even the secondary roles, — and a brilliant production. Because of the importance of music to the film, we were glad we saw it in a theater, and one that had excellent sound. My only regret is that I’m not smarter — I got the feeling I missed a lot of its meaning. Should probably read a bunch of reviews now. Here’s Hailee Steinfeld, below. When she’s not smooching up Michael B. Jordan, she hangs out with Bills QB Josh Allen, proving, for the 8 billionth time, that the quarterbacks get all the pretty girls. (Her dad’s Jewish, BTW, so I’m claiming her for us.)

      In the puzzle today, at 43D the clue was “Lollygag,” and the answer was DAWDLE. Son Volt put his finger on the perfect song link. But this version is not by the Lovin’ Spoonful. It’s the Tedeschi Trucks Band. It’s a long version, and I love it and was very happy to see it through. Ten bonus points to any chatterhead who can figure out what rhymes with “dawdled” in the song. (Answer tomorrow.)

      That’s enough nonsense for today. Thanks for coming by.

    5. Upside Down

      Here are two lines from a poem we are not going to share today.

      Tie a boat to my wrist, I sprout wings.
      Give me a pair of shoes, I grow fins.

      Here’s an item from The Onion:

      ICE Agents Wait At Edge Of Delivery Table To Deport Newborn

      D’oh! I forgot to share this song the other day. You may recall the puzzle required us to read numbers as letters by turning them UPSIDE DOWN. Diana Ross knows what we’re talkin’ about.

      I was filing my newly-acquired autographs of Bob Cain and Jim Delsing in my collection yesterday and had to go online to remind myself of their particular roles in the Eddie Gaedel story. Eddie, you may recall, was the little person (3 feet, 7 inches tall) who pinch hit in a baseball game, a stunt perpetrated by Bill Veeck. Cain was the pitcher. After Gaedel walked, Delsing pinch-ran for him at first. I learned some more about it.

      First, happily, everyone involved was good natured about it. Eddie did not encounter any mean shouts from fans or the opposing team, as little people sometimes do. Cain was laughing good naturedly on the mound when Eddie came up to bat. His first two pitches were actual attempts to throw strikes into the teeny-tiny strike zone. But he gave up and just soft-tossed the next two to the catcher.

      Eddie was under strict instructions not to swing, but Veeck worried he might anyway. He told Eddie he took out a life insurance policy on his life and had a rifle and would shoot him if he swung. They practiced a crouch for Eddie to use to minimize the strike zone. But when Eddie was at the plate he did not crouch, instead adopting a stance Veeck described as imitating Joe DiMaggio’s. It increased Veeck’s fear that Eddie would swing. But he didn’t.

      When Eddie walked, he stopped twice on the way to first base and bowed to the crowd. They gave him a standing ovation. It was Eddie’s only MLB at-bat, but he continued to work for Bill Veeck in a variety of roles.

      Sadly, Eddie died after turning 36 when he was robbed and beaten. The only person from baseball to attend the funeral was the pitcher Bob Cain, even though the two men never met formally. That’s Cain, below, clearly a mensch.

      Ladies, let me put it this way. If Christie f*cking Brinkley’s husband had an affair, you might as well just give up and stop trying. Jeez Louise. You can’t get more beautiful than that. She’s the poster girl for poster girls. (Just made that up.)

      According to People magazine (so you know it’s true), it was 2006 and CB was giving a graduation speech at a local high school in the Hamptons, when she was approached by a man she’d never seen before.

      “Excuse me,” he said softly. “I need to tell you that arrogant husband of yours has been having an affair with my teenage daughter.”

      Ouch.

      The arrogant husband was architect Peter Cook, CB’s hubby #4. Despite a pre-nup, they were in court for six bruising years. She came out of it okay, especially happy for her three very loving and supportive kids, all of whom are, surprise surprise, not too bad looking.

      In the puzzle today, the clue at 8D was “Double-decker checker.” Anony Mouse #1 couldn’t understand why the answer was KING. Anony Mouse #2 responded with an absurd explanation, but I clarified things up.

      Anony Mouse #2: In the game of checkers, when you manage to get one of your pieces all the way over to your opponent’s side of the board, your opponent will top it with one of your pieces they have taken in the game creating a “double decker king” that can move in all directions.

      Liveprof (me): The Checker Cab was a popular taxicab in the U.S. and England for many years. As a convenience, on longer trips the drivers would provide a deck of cards to their passengers. And when the King (England) was riding in one, he would be given two decks, so it was known as a “double decker Checker” for the KING.

      At 18A, the clue for LENA was “”Game of Thrones” co-star Headey.” I hadn’t heard of her and neither had Tig Notaro.

      Duke Ellington was born on this date in Washington DC back in 1899. He said, “I never had much interest in the piano until I realized every time I played, a girl would appear on the piano bench to my left, and another to my right.”

      Yup. That’s why I went into tax law.

      See you tomorrow!

    6. Derek and Kermit

      The NYT had a piece today on commencement speakers at various campuses. Derek Jeter is speaking at UMich. Go Blue! If you’re wondering why a NY Yankee in Ann Arbor, it’s because DJ is from Michigan — Kalamazoo. He would have gone to UMich had he not gone pro out of high school. But UMaryland is one-upping even Derek this year. They’ve invited Kermit the Frog to give the address. Could you croak?

      Here’s Derek with Elmo. Kermit’s below.

      Hey who’s Tiger’s new babe? Looks like she could be about the age of his granddaughter, no? (In fact, no — she’s 47, just two years younger than Woods. There must be a painting of her, aging, in some attic somewhere.)

      You hear about this? It was news to me. That woman has five kids of her own. Need another hint? Their last name is Trump. Yeah, you heard me. Trump. It’s Vanessa Trump, the ex-wife of Trump’s idiot son, Donald, Jr. The oldest of their five kids, Kai, below, is turning 18 in two weeks. She’s a competitive golfer and spoke at the 2024 GOP Convention. If Tiger becomes her step-dad it won’t do her golf game any harm.

      Eugenio Suarez is one of the few Venezuelans left that Trump hasn’t shipped off to an El Salvadoran prison, and Diamondback fans are relieved. He hit 30 homers and drove in 101 runs for them last year, and last night he hit four dingers in one game — only the 19th time that’s happened in MLB history. Making it even rarer in an odd way is the fact that ‘Zona still lost the game, 8-7 in 10 innings. It’s only the second time ever that a batter hit four homers in a game his team lost.

      Maybe Gino’s feat is not so surprising: he twice had 3-homer games, and he’s a pretty accomplished slugger, with four seasons of 30 or more along with hitting a whopping 49 in 2019 (with 103 RBI).

      The puzzle today was a little blah, IMO. The whole trick was that the theme clues seemed to be long numbers or equations. But you had to realize they were numbers that, when you turned them over (upside down), they became words. You can do this if you limit yourself to these letters: BEGHILOS.

      For example, take my favorite. The clue was

      Depiction of

      If you turn those numbers upside down they become letters spelling out HIGH HEELS. (See it?) So the answer was STILETTOS. The problem was once you saw the trick, the whole puzzle fell into place. (There were 8 of those.)

      Hey, while we’re on the topic, Armas — can you model a pair for us?

      Thanks Babe. BTW, you can be sure that’s Ana and not an imposter by the little heart tattoo.

      This one spelled out HILLBILLIES BOOZE:

      Depiction of

      The answer was MOONSHINE. Son Volt shared this song on it.

      Did you know about these? The clue was “Food-centric broadcasts originating in South Korea” and the answer was MUKBANGS. They are videos people make of themselves eating. [Who are we to judge?] Most go on for quite a while, but here’s a short clip that gives you some idea.

      I also liked 14D. The clue was “Tough customer for a wedding planner,” and the answer was BRIDEZILLA.

      This tiny love story by Reem Faruqi is from today’s NYT.

      When my father was a college student and moved from Karachi to California, his father wrote him letter after letter that could be collected only at the post office. When my father told his father that his shoes were getting worn out by walking to and from the post office, his father promptly airmailed him a package. Inside the box: new shoes. Luckily, I’m a 45-minute drive away from my father, not a daylong flight. Yet, the cycle of care packages continues. For me, he will deliver steaming soup, my favorite books and box upon box of sweet mango juice. 

      Happy 44th (!) wedding anniversary today to Ringo Starr, 84, and his bride Barbara Bach, 78. It was the second marriage for each. Barbara had two kids and Ringo three from their exes (and no kids together). In 1985 Ringo became the first Beatle to be a grandfather and has eight g’kids now. In 2016 he was the first to become a great-grandfather.

      Ringo is very funny. I heard him begin an interview once by saying “I was born at an early age. . . “

      L’Chaim, kids!

      See you tomorrow!