The Wellington Files

  • Fair Is Fair

    We’re so proud of Owl Chatter’s newest staff member, our wonderful Georgie Santos, the former Congressman. He’s become a “standard” — you know, like “to be measured against.” Ken Buck is the GOP Rep who recently announced he’s bolting from Congress. So Lorena Bobbitt — hold on a minute — no, not her — Lauren Boebert decided to shift out of her district and run for Buck’s. Well, Buck and Lorena — sorry, Lauren — apparently hate each other. And when Buck was asked for his thoughts about Ms. B he said her various “controversies” make George Santos look like a saint.

    Amen to that! — You’re our little Saint George! We’re so happy to have you! BTW, if you’re out later, we’re woefully low on Diet Pepsi. There’s a ton of change in that cup near the door — may be enough for two sixes. Make sure you get the kind with caffeine. Thanks Buddy!

    Did someone mention the Bobbitts? Yup, John W. and Lorena. Lorena, aka the mohel who went too far. Did you know she used a ginsu knife? Not kidding! They don’t put that in the ads. It happened on June 23, 1993. After “it” was sewn back on (surgically, of course) he went on to star in two porn films. (Again, not kidding.) Lorena said he raped and abused her for years. John was charged with rape but acquitted. She was charged with assault but acquitted by reason of insanity. (Third time — not kidding.) They were divorced in 1995.

    Get this, although Lorena told Oprah in April 2009 that she had no interest in talking to John, they appeared together on the show The Insider the next month. It was their first meeting since their divorce. John apologized to her for the way he treated her during their marriage. John claimed that he still loved her and continued to send her Valentine’s Day cards and flowers. Sheesh — some guys just can’t read the signals. To me, the ginsu knife would make it pretty clear we’re not dating any more.

    After our story on Curly Fry, we heard from OC fan Gladstone (NJ) Chris who says he watched a lot of roller derby in the 1960s on Philly’s UHF Channel 17. It was the only station other than CBS, ABC, NBC, and PBS in those days. There’s no telling how much damage it did to him as a youth.

    Several Hunter students sought to capture the vitality of life at Hunter in this video. Take a look!

    All hail the Lady Beavers! They vanquished the Irish 70-65 in a taut contest that went down to the wire. Owl Chatter fave Lily Hansford coolly sank two key threes, but Timea Gardiner, Raegan Beers, and Donovan Hunter led the effort. It’s down to the Elite Eight now, with the #1 team in the nation, South Carolina, the next opponent. See you Sunday, ladies — try to get enough sleep.

    Here’s Raegan. Don’t let the pretty smile fool you. She’s deadly under the basket.

    In the puzzle today, at 13D, “Ones who might roast you” was CANNIBALS. Pabloinnh was miffed: The worst error in this puzzle was the implication that CANNIBALS might roast you. As everyone who has ever seen a cartoon should know, CANNIBALS always put you in a big pot and boil you. Always. I know this is a crossword clue and not a definition, but come on.

    Everyone’s favorite clue was at 26A: “Hunks of plastic?” Answer KENS. (Get it? Think Barbie.)

    Some folks felt 26D didn’t quite work: “Contents of drug shipment.” KILOS. Seems fine to me.

    Don’t touch my bags if you please, Mr. Customs Man! Hit it, Arlo!

    See you tomorrow, everybody! Thanks for popping in.

  • Play Ball!

    Boeing execs are jubilant that it wasn’t one of their planes that caused the Baltimore bridge collapse. “This couldn’t have come at a better time,” said Boeing CEO David Calhoun.

    Onion concern: Supreme Court Action on Mifepristone May Effectively Ban Flintstone Vitamins Too.

    A death in Minnesota reveals that morons pose just as large a threat to the public as drunks. Moron Brent Keranen, 21, fell asleep and drove into a State Trooper’s car last Thursday. Tests showed he hadn’t been drinking — he was just very tired from working a lot and had been up late drinking with friends the night before. So he was given a ticket and let go. He next drank a 5-hour energy drink to counter the tiredness and continued driving. In retrospect, that was not a good move since he veered off the road and struck and killed a pedestrian, 61-year-old James McNeil. It was at this point in the story that it entered you-can’t-make-this-stuff-up territory.

    Keranen, who was neither drunk nor asleep, explained to the police that he was playing air guitar while listening to the radio and failed to watch the road or control the car. The incident took place in Moose Lake, 115 miles north of Minneapolis. Keranen is being charged with vehicular homicide and faces up to ten years in prison. Owl Chatter is seeking to find out what song Keranen was “playing” when the homicide occurred but that information has not been made public.

    Phil managed to snap this photo of Keranen for Owl Chatter. He says he can tell that Keranen is an excellent air guitarist. “You can just sense something like that,” Phil explained. “You know?”

    We don’t.

    A 32-year-old queer woman who goes by the professional name of Curly Fry is Owl Chatter’s Mensch (Womensch?) of the Day today. Ms. Fry, or Curly if you prefer, is on the Long Island Roller Rebels, a roller derby team. You ever watch roller derby? Decades ago I would run into a match on TV now and then — on the weird channels — 5, 9, 11.

    Players roller skate around and around, shoving and elbowing each other pretty roughly, and somehow points are scored. Apparently, when your “jammer” laps someone, you score. A lot of pads are worn for protection, but the women are very tough — the sort of women who, if you look at them the wrong way on the street, pick you up, break you in half like a wishbone, and continue on their way with no interruption in their conversation.

    Well, the ladies are not taking kindly to being told they cannot have trans women on their teams on Long Island. As Curly Fry put it:

    “The whole point of derby has been to be this thing where people feel welcome. We want trans women to know that we want you to come play with us, and we’ll do our very best to keep fighting and making sure that this is a safe space for you to play.”

    I might not describe the roller rink where you skate at top speed and get rammed in the face with elbows “safe space,” but we know what you mean, Curly.

    “You come in here and you say, ‘I’m a trans woman. I’m a nonbinary person. I’m genderqueer.’ OK? We accept you,” said Caitlin Carroll, a Roller Rebel who competes as “Catastrophic Danger.” “The world is scary enough. You should have a safe place to be.” Amen to that, Cat.

    The league expects their application for a permit for the season to be denied by the Nassau County Board of Schmucks, and the matter will be taken to court. The NYCLU and the NY Attorney General are on Curly’s side.

    Phil, scared sh*tless of the whole roller derby scene, wisely kept his distance, but managed to score this nice shot of Curly Fry for Owl Chatter before fleeing in terror, leaving some equipment behind. We’re not paying for that stuff, Phil. Go back and get it! Take George with you if you’re scared — he’s from the Island.

    It’s Opening Day for the 2024 Baseball Season! Nats fans are a bit concerned about the new sign over the clubhouse door that reads: “Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here.” And the Yankees have already caused an overcrowding in area hospitals not seen since the Pandemic. Cy Young winner Gerrit Cole is out along with a host of lesser lights. Oy. I’m afraid to check in with Detroit. Maybe in June. Meanwhile, the Pistons lost their eighth straight game, but Cade is back! And all eyes are on the Lady Beavers at 2:30 tomorrow versus the Irish. Can’t wait!

    From Frank Bruni’s “For the love of sentences” feature. Jesse Green reviewed a new Broadway production in the NYT: “Romantic musicals are as personal as romance itself. What makes you sigh and weep may leave the person next to you bored and stony. At ‘The Notebook,’ I was the person next to you.”

    The theme of today’s puzzle was the wonderful POTATO HEAD toys. Not Mr. or Mrs. Potato Head — the gendered titles were dropped (like a hot . . . ) back in 2021. The center of the grid was potato-shaped and russet colored. And circled letters spelled things like EAR, EYES, HAT, etc.

    T-shirt: “Always be yourself. Unless you can be a potato. Then, always be a potato.”

    Did you know that there are grandparents in the Potato Head family? (Not kidding.) They are Yamma and Yampa. Yamma wears pearls and Yampa has a gray mustache. They both wear glasses.

    The puzzle had some tough parts. Who the hell is PHIL IVEY? I’m supposed to know he’s the “Winner of 10 World Series of Poker bracelets?” Seriously? And they get bracelets? Who’s running poker — Taylor Swift? Andrew suggested PHIL IVEY should be clued with “Penn.”

    17D: “Nirvana achiever?” The answer is ARHAT. WTF?

    55D: “Songwriter Barry who once had six consecutive #1 hits.” Remember the Bee Gees? — Barry GIBB. Maybe he made it into the puzzle for his song Words?

    Hey, do you know how God created the universe? In the beginning there was just one huge void. Then there was another void. And another. And one void led to the next.

    See you tomorrow!

  • Paisley Napkins

    With three of its top executives bounced from their positions, Boeing today announced it was changing its name to Boing.

    Don’t take your eyes off of Lily Hansford, this very pretty young woman from Green Bay, WI, — not that you’d want to.

    She’s a sniper; she will drive a stake through your hopes. That’s what she did twice on Sunday for the Oregon State Lady Beavers as they defeated Nebraska 61-51 to advance to the Sweet 16. At 6′ 2″, blonde and brown-eyed, Hansford has the highest shooting percentage from three-point range on the team. Twice when the Cornhuskers were creeping back into the game, she sank long arcing shots from the corner, and buried Nebraska’s comeback bids. We’ll be watching Lily when the Beavs take on Notre Dame Friday at 2:30. The Lady Irish bring serious sh*t. This will be a very tough game.

    This poem by Frederick Smock is called “Morning.” It’s from yesterday’s Writer’s Almanac.

    All year long there is
    the table by the window,
    blue cups with white rims,
    the black teapot.

    There are sometimes flowers,
    when we remember.
    There are paisley napkins,
    and always oranges.

    The window looks down
    into a courtyard,
    and sometimes up
    into blue sky.

    The puzzle today, at 24A, brought a smile to the hard-working folks in our Dirty Old Man Dept: “The Sports ___ (Portland bar dedicated to women’s athletics).” What a great clue for BRA!

    It’s a sports bar with a heavy emphasis on women’s sports. It especially features Portland’s female soccer team, The Portland Thorns, pledging to show every game of theirs with the sound on. It’s Portland OR, btw — in the Sullivan’s Gulch neighborhood and it’s LGBTQ-owned.

    People loved the puzzle today. The theme was revealed at 34A: “Kind of fallacious argument … or, phonetically, a hint to the answers to the starred clues.” The answer was AD HOMINEM, and the idea was to use phrases that “added” a homonym at the end. Get it? Add homonym.

    So, e.g., my favorite was 57A: “Mother Superior?” was SECOND TO NONE NUN (none and nun being the homonyms.)

    Similarly, 17A was “Mint on a pillow, maybe?” and the answer was HOTEL SUITE SWEET.

    Commenter Ben wrote: I generally enjoyed the theme, except for a fairly glaring flaw — as I say them, at least, “hominem” and “homonym” are not homonymous: I say the final syllable of “hominem” as to rhyme with “hem,” and that of “homonym” to rhyme with “him.”

    [Homonymous!! Love it.]

    C’mon Benny — it’s close enough for crosswords.

    Owl Chatter’s good friend Miriam Webster chimed in: “Homonym can be troublesome because it may refer to three distinct classes of words. Homonyms may be words with identical pronunciations but different spellings and meanings, such as to, too, and two. Or they may be words with both identical pronunciations and identical spellings but different meanings, such as quail (the bird) and quail (to cringe). Finally, they may be words that are spelled alike but are different in pronunciation and meaning, such as the bow of a ship and bow that shoots arrows. The first and second types are sometimes called homophones, and the second and third types are sometimes called homographs—which makes naming the second type a bit confusing. Some language scholars prefer to limit homonym to the third type.“

    Clear?

    The issue arose as to whether an ad hominem attack is “fallacious,” as the clue states. I thought of it more as “off the topic” than fallacious. But Wikipedia says: “Ad hominem (Latin for ‘to the person’), short for argumentum ad hominem, refers to several types of arguments which are fallacious. Typically this term refers to a rhetorical strategy where the speaker attacks the character, motive, or some other attribute of the person making an argument rather than attacking the substance of the argument itself.” 

    Okay, if you insist.

    Wait, what’s that? Argggggh — our Dirty Old Man Dept doesn’t want us to leave The Sports Bra so quickly. OK, fellas — but just one tasteful one, and that’s it! Here’s one of my tax students modeling a simple version. Thanks Melodie! Throw something on before class — the guys will all have strokes.

    Owl Chatter recently endorsed “These Puzzles Fund Abortion 4.” For a donation of just $20 you get a packet of very good puzzles. If you are not a puzzler but want to help these good folks and great cause, consider their merch at the following link: https://www.bonfire.com/these-puzzles-fund-abortion-4/?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=campaign_page&utm_campaign=these-puzzles-fund-abortion-4&utm_content=default

    Here’s the hoodie:

    Alright — not quite as exciting as Melodie in her sports bra, but it’s a nice hoodie. Phil picked one up for Taylor.

    From egsforbreakfast today:

    Waiter: I’m pleased to inform you that we have a new main course on our MENU tonight.
    Diner: Entre nous, is this entree new?

    Speaking of women, have you heard of the Bechdel test? It was mentioned by Rex’s guest blogger Claire today. It’s a measure of how male-dominated movies are. She noted that Shrek (who often appears in a puzzle clue for OGRE) — that the movie Shrek does not pass the Bechdel test.

    To pass the test (1) at least two women must be in the film, (2) who talk to each other, (3) about something other than men. In some versions, the women must have names. The test is named after the American cartoonist Alison Bechdel, in whose 1985 comic strip Dykes to Watch Out For the test first appeared. Bechdel credited the idea to her friend Liz Wallace and the writings of Virginia Woolf. Bechdel herself prefers the test to be called the Bechdel-Wallace test.

    In A Room of One’s Own, Woolf wrote: “All these relationships between women, I thought, rapidly recalling the splendid gallery of fictitious women, are too simple. … And I tried to remember any case in the course of my reading where two women are represented as friends. … They are now and then mothers and daughters. But almost without exception they are shown in their relation to men. It was strange to think that all the great women of fiction were, until Jane Austen’s day, not only seen by the other sex, but seen only in relation to the other sex. And how small a part of a woman’s life is that.”

    The website bechdeltest.com is a user-edited database of some 6,500 films classified by whether they pass the test (with the added requirement that the women must be named characters). As of April 2015, 42% of these films fell short of passing all three of the test’s requirements. An analysis by BBC in 2018 looked at the 89 films that won Oscars for Best Film and found slightly less than half (44) passed.

    One writer further noted that half of the films that pass the test only pass because the women are talking about marriage or babies.

    The Pistons have hit the skids again. Since winning three of four earlier in March, they have lost seven in a row. Ouch! They are severely short-handed: starters Cunningham and Duren are nursing injuries. Hope they come back by April 6, when we’re heading over to Brooklyn with Phil and Georgie to see them face the Nets, God and NJ Transit willing.

    Special Owl Chatter wishes go out to our friend Justine who’s having cataract surgery soon — Don’t let them push you around, girl!

    Good night, everybody! See you tomorrow!

  • Two Loaves of Rye

    One of the clues/answers in today’s puzzle is so beautiful, I’m tapping it as our opening note today. First, I had to look up “tendril” to appreciate it. Here’s the definition:

    • a slender threadlike appendage of a climbing plant, often growing in a spiral form, that stretches out and twines around any suitable support.
    • something resembling a plant tendril, especially a slender curl or ringlet of hair: “the wind fitfully moved the dark tendrils around her forehead”

    Okay, so at 48A the clue was “Smoky tendrils.” And the answer was WISPS. Like a wisp of smoke that becomes a tendril. Lovely. Here’s a pretty wisp. Not sure it’s very tendril-y though.

    Also sounds like an appetizer, no? “OK — we’ll share an order of the smoky tendrils and the fried calamari, please.”

    Here’s a life-or-death issue that arose: At 104A, the clue was “He literally jumped the shark on ‘Happy Days,’” and the answer was FONZ. Well, some folks threw a hissy fit claiming it has to be either “The” Fonz, or “Fonzie.”

    My view was my usual “close enough for crosswords,” but Commenter Dan took the issue head on:

    “The complaints about FONZ are definitely unwarranted. Arthur Fonzarelli, Fonzie, The Fonz were the most common references, but I was sure I could remember hearing Richie call him FONZ. ‘Hey Fonz, wanna go to Arnold’s?’ or something like that.

    “Sure enough, I did a google search and in the first random video from the show that I watched, Mr. C, Mrs. C, and Joanie all call him Fonzie. And then Richie pipes in with ‘Why don’t you sit down, Fonz?’

    “If Richie can call him Fonz, I think the puzzle can, too.”

    Hrrrrrrrrrumph!

    Here’s the Fonz with Pinky Tuscadero, who seems much less into this dance than he does. C’mon Pink — lighten up!

    This story was sent in to Met Diary by Susan Spector. It’s called “Fresh Loaves of Rye.”

    Dear Diary:

    My sister was getting married in a small town in Maine. Both she and the groom were transplants from Brooklyn.

    My sister asked that I bring two large, fresh loaves of rye bread as a special treat for the wedding. The day before, I stopped at Lords Bakery at Nostrand and Flatbush Avenues after finishing my classes at Brooklyn College.

    I told the woman at the counter that I was buying the bread to bring to my sister’s wedding in Maine the next day.

    I asked whether I should get the loaves sliced. The woman said the bread might stay fresher on the long trip if it was unsliced.

    It turned out that the groom had asked his brother to bring up two large, fresh loaves of rye. The brother also went to Lords and asked the same woman for two large rye breads, explaining that he would be bringing them to a wedding in Maine the next day.

    “Are you pulling my leg?” the woman said. “A lady was in here earlier asking for two rye breads for her sister’s wedding in Maine tomorrow. Am I on ‘Candid Camera?’”

    The groom’s brother displayed complete ignorance.

    “She got hers unsliced,” the woman said, referring to me. “Maybe you should get yours sliced?”

    The puzzle today was called “Feeling Possessive,” and the trick was to take an expression and alter its meaning by adding an apostrophe to make it possessive. E.g., you can say Tom “POOLS RESOURCES” with Ellen. But if the clue is “Noodles and floaties,” you would add an apostrophe to make it “POOL’S RESOURCES.”

    Cute wordplay, fairly typical for a Sunday puzzle. But do you get the feeling Rex wasn’t too impressed? Here’s what he wrote:

    “I don’t even know where to begin with how inadequate this theme is. How limp and last-century it is. It’s giving nothing. It doesn’t even have corniness going for it. Our job is to imagine … apostrophes? Look, if you’ve got a simple (very simple) gimmick that yields great results, hey, go for it. Go. For. It. But this ain’t it. This. Ain’t. It. I cannot conceive why this was made, let alone why it was accepted. The clues aren’t even trying to be amusing / entertaining / zany. Where is the … joke? The fun? The … anything? This is the “Jeremy’s Iron” of puzzles (see below).”

    It occurred to me today that Rex is like a rock musician whose ears have been blown out by too many concerts so he can only hear the high notes. Most puzzles are just an annoying buzz to him — only the great ones make an impression. But that’s okay. Commenter Lewis forms the counterview — he’s always positive. And the Commentariat as a whole is a pleasure to read. Rex’s blog has become an important part of my day. I recall a commenter writing once that he was sitting in a reception area waiting for his chemotherapy infusion and the only activity that offered him relief was reading Rex’s blog and the comments. I can see it.

    The poet Lawrence Ferlinghetti was born on this date in 1919 in Yonkers, NY. He died in SF just a month shy of his 102nd birthday. He said: “Make your mind learn its way around the heart.”

    We’re trying.

    See you tomorrow.

  • The Net of the Heart

    When important stories fail to be covered by the major news outlets, it’s up to Owl Chatter to step onto the breach. Into it? Here’s a headline from The Onion: “Dripping Food Strategically Held Over Other Food.”

    Sadly, that encouraging start didn’t hold. The last sentence of the story reads: “At press time, sources confirmed Brauer [the diner] was despondent after he’d leaned in to take a big bite of his sandwich, only for it to collapse in his hands and cause a large pile of meat to fall into his lap.”

    The headline of what The Onion for some reason calls a related story reads: “Single Woman Feels Safer Keeping Loaded Baked Potato In Nightstand.”

    “God forbid I ever have to use it, but I feel better knowing it’s there,” Frances Higgins, the 36-year-old woman, said. She added that she lived alone and preferred to store the potato in a bedside drawer for ease of access, explaining that if she kept it in a secured Tupperware container in the kitchen, she might not be able to reach it quickly. “I know you’re not supposed to keep it loaded, but I want it to be ready if I need it. I’d hate to find myself in a desperate situation where it’s the middle of the night, my hands are shaking, and I’m fumbling around with the toppings just trying to get some sour cream in there.” She understood some people might feel differently and choose to store their potatoes and all the fixings in harder-to-reach places, especially if they have overweight children.

    Our Lady Beavers looked good besting the East Washington Eagles last night in the opening round of the NCAA tourney, 73-51. The Beavs were actually down by 8 points early, but put that fire out and won handily. Raegan Beers dominated from inside the paint with 8 for 11 shooting and 9 boards, but the surprise performance came from Dominika Paurova whose parents and sister came all the way from the Czech Republic to watch her score a crisp 17, including 3 out of 4 three-point shots. We face Nebraska tomorrow. Hope Raegan’s ankle’s okay. Here’s Dominika:

    This poem from today’s Writer’s Almanac is called “Fishing in the Keep of Silence.” It’s by Linda Gregg. I think “keep” is used with the meaning: “the strongest or central tower of a castle, acting as a final refuge.” You know, like “castle keep.”

    There is a hush now while the hills rise up
    and God is going to sleep. He trusts the ship
    of Heaven to take over and proceed beautifully
    as he lies dreaming in the lap of the world.
    He knows the owls will guard the sweetness
    of the soul in their massive keep of silence,
    looking out with eyes open or closed over
    the length of Tomales Bay that the egrets
    conform to, whitely broad in flight, white
    and slim in standing. God, who thinks about
    poetry all the time, breathes happily as He
    repeats to Himself: there are fish in the net,
    lots of fish this time in the net of the heart.

    On this date back in 1775, Patrick Henry gave his famous speech at the Second Virginia Convention in Richmond. But did you know this about him?

    There was a problem with Henry’s speeches. They were wonderful and charismatic and everyone was entranced by them, but afterward, no one could remember what he said. Jefferson said of Henry: “His eloquence was peculiar, if indeed it should be called eloquence; for it was impressive and sublime, beyond what can be imagined. Although it was difficult when he had spoken to tell what he had said, yet, while he was speaking, it always seemed directly to the point. When he had spoken in opposition to my opinion, had produced a great effect, and I myself had been highly delighted and moved, I have asked myself when he ceased: ‘What the devil has he said?’ I could never answer the inquiry.”

    The historic speech was not written down until 1816, forty years later, when it was reconstructed from interviews with people who heard it by Henry’s biographer, William Wirt. 

    “Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!”

    Today’s puzzle was a bear. First time through I could barely get a toe-hold. Finally climbed up from the bottom inch by inch. Whew. 5D was “Bring around” and the answer was SWAY. Let’s hear it, Mick! Turn up the volume folks:

    47D was “___ Street Music Festival (annual May event),” with the answer BEALE. Son Volt noted that this year’s festival was canceled. Oh, no! And then he shared this bittersweet John Prine song with us that he heard Prine sing back at the ’92 festival.

    Sheesh, if you had to name an NFL quarterback least likely to make it into a NYT puzzle, GENO SMITH would be a good choice, yet here he is today, full name at 50A. He crashed with the Jets (who hasn’t?) but had a decent year or two in Seattle. Commenter Benson wrote: I’m the proud owner of a GENO SMITH t-shirt with his famous quote – “They wrote me off; I ain’t write back though.” Smith filed for trademark protection for the quote.

    57A: “Venezuela landmark that’s the tallest of its kind in the world (3,212 feet).” Talking about the tallest uninterrupted waterfall in the world. ANGEL FALLS.

    Good night, everybody. See you tomorrow.

  • Metal Umlauts

    Some very creative people were born on this date. Send in the clowns (or owls!) to celebrate Stephen Sondheim’s birth in NYC in 1930. His very brief write-up in The Writer’s Almanac quotes him as saying “I prefer neurotic people. I like to hear rumblings beneath the surface.” (He was Jewish.)

    And poet Billy Collins, also born in the city, eleven years later. This poem of his is called “The Country.”

    I wondered about you
    when you told me never to leave
    a box of wooden, strike-anywhere matches
    lying around the house because the mice

    might get into them and start a fire.
    But your face was absolutely straight
    when you twisted the lid down on the round tin
    where the matches, you said, are always stowed.

    Who could sleep that night?
    Who could whisk away the thought
    of the one unlikely mouse
    padding along a cold water pipe

    behind the floral wallpaper
    gripping a single wooden match
    between the needles of his teeth?
    Who could not see him rounding a corner,

    the blue tip scratching against a rough-hewn beam,
    the sudden flare, and the creature
    for one bright, shining moment
    suddenly thrust ahead of his time—

    now a fire-starter, now a torchbearer
    in a forgotten ritual, little brown druid
    illuminating some ancient night.
    Who could fail to notice,

    lit up in the blazing insulation,
    the tiny looks of wonderment on the faces
    of his fellow mice, onetime inhabitants
    of what once was your house in the country?

    I crashed on the puzzle today. Just couldn’t nail it. At 10D, the clue was “Slogan on a blue, pink and white pin.” I had TRANSP and filled in trans power. But that was wrong. It turned out to be trans pride and it just didn’t come to me. Two crosses didn’t help. Have you heard of Cereal RYE? I hadn’t. And “Tamil [blank], India” was NADU. Gimme a break!!

    There was also grumbling about 48A: “___ Dutta, winner of the Miss Universe 2000 pageant.” Answer LARA. WTF!! But that came easily to me from the crosses. She’s an actress from India and very pretty.

    I also failed at 17A: “One of two in Mötley Crüe.” The answer was METAL UMLAUT. I love it, but I had never heard of it. It’s a thing with its own Wikipedia page: A metal umlaut (also known as röck döts) is a diacritic (mark) that is sometimes used gratuitously or decoratively over letters in the names of mainly hard rock or heavy metal bands—for example, Blue Öyster Cult, Queensrÿche, Motörhead, Mötley Crüe and the parody bands Spın̈al Tap and Green Jellÿ.

    [Green Jellÿ, a comedy rock band, used to be Green Jello, but changed its name due to pressure from Kraft Foods to protect its Jell-O brand name. One of its songs is “I’ll Buy You Any Major Appliance You Want Baby, Ooo Ooo”.]

    The first umlaut use was by Blue Öyster Cult in 1970. It’s not designed to affect pronunciation. Its purpose is to give a gothic or tough effect. The Onion once ran a story: “Ünited Stätes Toughens Image With Umlauts.”

    In the puzzle METAL UMLAUT appeared right under another clue/answer I really liked: 13A “Pie preference,” was EXTRA CHEESE.

    Other strong entries were “Petty person?” for ANIMAL LOVER. (Get it? Petty = petting.) And “Inapt response when somebody says ‘Happy birthday!,’ presumably” was SAME TO YOU.

    Here’s another Petty person.

    At 60A, “60s peace org” was SDS. It elicited this comment: Not sure a group established and funded by the auto workers union can be considered a peace org. 

    And then this reply: As an old SDSer, I would agree that it was not a peace organization — it had many goals along the lines of economic reform and, in particular, participatory democracy. And in Vietnam the primary focus was victory by the National Liberation Front, not “peace” per se. As for UAW funding, though, that was SDS’s predecessor, the League for Industrial Democracy. The UAW broke ties when SDS repealed the rule that members could not be communists.

    [SDS stands for Students for a Democratic Society and sought to broaden out from its historic labor base. Its first meeting was held at U. Michigan in 1960 and its first convention in 1962 with Tom Hayden as President. The UAW did cover expenses at that point. The split over communism followed.]

    Boy, with Abbie Hoffman in the other day and the SDS today, the puzzle is doing some serious time travel.

    Going to say goodnight early tonight. Catching the Oregon State Lady Beavers first round game in the big tourney. Who’s our star tonight?

    Go Beavs! See you tomorrow!

  • The Munchies

    Even in a blog like Owl Chatter devoted to unmitigated nonsense, a topic of serious importance sometimes arises. Today we are pleased to report that a terrible wrong has been righted. After 60 years (!), Captain (Cap’n) Crunch’s uniform has finally been fixed. (The Cap’n’s full name, btw, is Horatio Magellan Crunch.)

    Despite decades of distinguished service, until recently the Cap’n’s coat only had three bars on each sleeve — appropriate for the lower rank of Commander. At the risk of shocking you, dear readers, in some cases it bore only two bars, befitting a lieutenant, or (gasp), a single ensign’s bar. C’mon Quaker Oats — get your f*cking act together. General Mills would have never committed such a rank faux pas.

    Anyway, last year, in honor of the Cap’n’s 60th birthday, kinehora, his coat was redesigned with the correct number of bars on his sleeves.

    To celebrate the unveiling,  at last year’s San Diego’s Comic-Con, 60 cosplayers marched the streets dressed as the good Cap’n. Here they are, in formation. Aye, aye!

    If anyone could knock Stormy Daniels off the front pages of Owl Chatter it would have to be someone the caliber of Kristen Stewart. Who doesn’t love sexy vampire women, I ask you? Kristen’s wild and decidedly skimpy outfits on the publicity tour promoting her film Love Lies Bleeding were the subject of a Style feature in the NYT today. The Times wisely assigned the story to Vanessa Friedman, a woman, no doubt determining that any man covering Kristen would be in danger of having his head explode.

    Let’s have a look. First, here’s Kristen when she’s not even trying. Could you plotz?

    The most controversial pose was her Rolling Stone cover shot. CBS told Steven Colbert not to show it on TV, but he must have missed the memo.

    As Friedman describes: “She then wore an abbreviated black mini with a mesh bra, garter belt-’n’-stockings and a leather blazer for Late Night With Seth Meyers, below. Paparazzi also caught her exiting her building in tiny cream-colored knit hot pants and a bra worn under a khaki shirt, with stilettos, and then in athletic Chanel micro shorts and matching leg warmers. Again with heels.”

    As Friedman explains: “The clothes were like a dare to the watching world, a refusal to cater to pretty-girls-in-pretty-dresses gender expectations and a good-natured riposte to the idea that provocation is an invitation. An ‘I see your judgment and raise you one’ piece of fashion politics.”

    I’m way too stupid to understand any of that, but so what?

    Today’s poem is “Every Day.” It’s from The Writer’s Almanac, and it’s by Tom Clark, a very lucky man.

    Awake the mind’s hopeless so
    At a quarter to six I rise
    And run 2 or 3 miles in
    The pristine air of a dark
    And windy winter morning
    With a light rain falling
    And no sound but the pad
    Of my sneakers on the asphalt
    And the calls of the owls in
    The cypress trees on Mesa Road

    And when I get back you’re
    Still asleep under the warm covers
    Because love is here to stay
    It’s another day and we’re both still alive

    The puzzle today was a good old-fashioned rebus, i.e., more than one letter is squooshed into a single square here and there around the grid. The “revealer” clue was “Puzzling activity, as seen four times in this puzzle?” and the answer was ESCAPE ROOM. Then, in four places the letters ESC were merged into a single square working both across and down. My favorite combo was “‘It’s so over for us,’” (WE’R[E SC]REWED), crossing “1970s-’80s sitcom about a trio of zany roommates” (THRE[E’S C]OMPANY).

    Munch’s TH[E SC]REAM was part of another duo. I bet as he painted it, he daydreamed about its making it into the NYTXW puzzle one day. You made it, Edvard! Are fans of Munch “Munchies?” (Asking for a friend.)

    As is obvious, at Owl Chatter we are obsessed with authenticity. So we sent Phil over to Oslo to get some shots of the actual painting as it hangs in the National Museum. Here it is.

    This original version is even more terrifying than the adaptation we are used to seeing, below. Munch described his inspiration for the famous painting (the real one):

    “One evening I was walking along a path, the city was on one side and the fjord below. I felt tired and ill. I stopped and looked out over the fjord – the sun was setting, and the clouds turning blood red. I sensed a scream passing through nature; it seemed to me that I heard the scream. I painted this picture, painted the clouds as actual blood. The color shrieked. This became The Scream.”

    Okay — you can put it down now, fellas — thanks!

    Munch actually created four versions: two in paint and two in pastels. In one, there is a barely visible pencil inscription “Kan kun være malet af en gal Mand!” (“could only have been painted by a madman”). It was first thought this was added by a critic or a visitor to an exhibition, but it was eventually proven that Munch himself added it, perhaps after the critical comments made when the painting was first exhibited in Norway in 1895. Munch was deeply hurt by that criticism, being sensitive to the mental illness that was prevalent in his family.

    The in-laws — amirite Eddie?

    Commenter Teedmn had this to say about ESCAPE ROOM:

    “I had my first and only ESCAPE ROOM experience about a month ago. We were given an hour to save the world from nuclear holocaust because the countdown had started and we needed to solve the riddles and puzzles to find the 4 keys to turn off the clock. I found it to be an exhilarating experience. My friends and I all did our part in solving, no one sat back and watched, we all dug into the mysteries. We found a second room, we had to use a phone, we solved a jigsaw that gave us clues, we found a mysterious tool in a drawer that I figured out could be used to turn a 45 RPM record in a box to pop open another drawer, etc. etc. I was buzzed with excitement for a couple of days after we did it – we succeeded with a number of hints from the staff and 30 seconds left before Armageddon. Woohoo! (The woman who gave us instructions, pre-solve, told us that only 33% were successful and those who failed were the ones who refused to ask for clues. We were not proud.)”

    Where are you on this debate that broke out? The clue at 32D was “Round sandwich,” and the answer was OREO. First comment on it said, “An Oreo is not a sandwich.” The second (and third) countered: “It’s a ‘sandwich’ cookie, so the clue is acceptable.” Owl Chatter’s view: Close enough for crosswords.

    Hey — this clinches it! — “cookie sandwich.”

    Gotta run. Thanks for popping in. See you tomorrow!

  • These Puzzles Fund Abortion 4

    The Marx brother who wore a curly wig, was HARPO, according to the puzzle today. Commenter kitshef dug this info up too: His birth name was Adolph, later changed to Arthur. Groucho’s was Julius. Chico’s was Leonard. Gummo’s was Milton. Zeppo’s was Herbert. Also, Zeppo’s wife cheated on him with Frank Sinatra. Ouch! That last tidbit may have been TMI.

    Before I forget (as occurred several times already), Rex has been boosting this, below, all week. I did their puzzles in the past (via a contribution) and they were good — mostly moderate (Tues/Weds) difficulty levels. And I’m gonna try them again this year. So if you’re a puzzle person, it’s a good cause (reproductive rights).

    These Puzzles Fund Abortion 4 (four!) just dropped this past week—over 20 original puzzles from top constructors and editors—and you can get the collection now (right now) for a minimum donation of $20 (donations split evenly among five different abortion funds—details here). You can check out a detailed description of the collection and a list of all the talent involved here. I [Rex] not only guest-edited a puzzle, I also test-solved puzzles. I have now seen the finished collection, and it’s really lovely, across the board. General editors Rachel Fabi and Brooke Husic and C.L. Rimkus put in a tremendous amount of work ensuring that it would be. The attention to detail—test-solving, fact-checking, etc.—was really impressive. Anyway, donate generously (assuming you are able) and enjoy the puzzle bounty!

    Here’s the link:

    https://fund.nnaf.org/campaign/these-puzzles-fund-abortion-4/c561096

    Also, just to take care of some more business, I received another reminder from our Dirty Old Man Dept about Stormy Daniels being back in the news. Yes — we mentioned that yesterday guys — let’s not go overboard. Okay, we’ll go with just one more shot of her. Here she is at the Wailing Wall — Phil caught her there last Shavuot.

    The puzzle today had a number theme. Pretty straightforward: 007 was BOND. 360 was FULL CIRCLE.

    Did you know 420 is linked to CANNABIS? I didn’t. Apparently, though, it’s associated with marijuana widely enough to make it into the puzzle. According to Wikipedia, it all started in 1971 when five HS kids in San Rafael CA started meeting at 4:20 to search for an abandoned cannabis crop (never found). It eventually just became the time they met to smoke dope, and their story was popularized in High Times. Then 420 crossed over to mean April 20th too and that became a traditional day for pot parties, as well as an international day of observance for the counterculture.

    At 1D “Arizona in Hawaii, e.g.” was SHIP. It’s a reference to the USS Arizona. This ship was struck by the Japanese at Pearl Harbor. 1,177 died and the ship itself still sits under the sea, under the USS Arizona Memorial.

    Smalltowndoc questioned the propriety of its use in an XW puzzle: “The clue for SHIP was tone deaf, given that the USS Arizona was sunk during the attack on Pearl Harbor, resulting in the death of almost 1200 sailors. There’s a thousand ways to clue SHIP. Why invoke a horrible tragedy where said SHIP now lies on the ocean floor with most of the dead still entombed within her?”

    One reply said: I thought the clue for SHIP was terrific. If this had been Pearl Harbor Day, it would have been even better. To avoid talking about Pearl Harbor is to ignore the lessons of history. Brave men died aboard the Arizona; let’s not treat Pearl Harbor as a taboo subject and minimize their heroism.

    Another commenter stated it was disrespectful to leave out USS, so he would have preferred a different clue.

    How do I feel about it? Well, I’m glad you asked. I would be upset to see, e.g., Auschwitz, in a puzzle, clued as this was clued, so I come down on the side of viewing this as disrespectful. But this is less extreme, and I’m not super troubled by it. Here’s the ‘Zona Memorial.

    “Let me know if you see any corner pieces or ways out of this marriage?”

    This poem called “Father” is by our house poet, Ted Kooser, from Delights & Shadows. It’s always a special day when TK drops by. Kick off those boots and settle in, Buddy. As they say in Yiddish: Our casa is your casa — George, see what’s in the fridge.

    Father

    Today you would be ninety-seven
    if you had lived, and we would all be
    miserable, you and your children,
    driving from clinic to clinic,
    an ancient fearful hypochondriac
    and his fretful son and daughter,
    asking directions, trying to read
    the complicated, fading map of cures.
    But with your dignity intact
    you have been gone for twenty years,
    and I am glad for all of us, although
    I miss you every day—the heartbeat
    under your necktie, the hand cupped
    on the back of my neck, Old Spice
    in the air, your voice delighted with stories.
    On this day each year you loved to relate
    that the moment of your birth
    your mother glanced out the window
    and saw lilacs in bloom. Well, today
    lilacs are blooming in side yards
    all over Iowa, still welcoming you.

    Thanks for stopping by, everybody. See you tomorrow!

  • Stormy

    We’re opening today with a report from Owl Chatter’s Dirty Old Man Dept. The day every man in America has been praying for has arrived. Stormy Daniels is back in the news. The NYT Arts section reviews the documentary that tells her story. It’s a decent review, but who cares? We’re just ecstatic she’s back. Thank you, Jesus!

    We sent Phil out on the assignment and, as expected, we’ve lost contact with him for days now. Here’s a shot from our files.

    Lookin’ good, Babe! Take it easy on Phil. He’s not well.

    It’s Philip Roth’s birthday today, born 91 years ago in Newark, just about 30 minutes from OC headquarters. Jersey is proud to call him one of theirs. I heard him interviewed once, on NPR. He was talking about the days before Portnoy’s Complaint was published. He called his parents to warn them about what they would be facing. The book will make an enormous splash, he told them, and they will be besieged by calls and camera crews from news stations all hours of the day and night. He suggested they get away for a few days, to avoid the crush. He later learned that after he hung up, they called relatives convinced that he was delusional.

    One of my favorite lines of his was from The Great American Novel. There was a baseball game and a slugger named Yamm was batting in a crucial situation. The hometown crowd was yelling his name — YAMM! YAMM! YAMM! YAMM! And Roth wrote: “Starving savages invoking their potato god for rain would not have made a louder racket.” Something like that — I’m pretty sure I got the first few words right. Roth himself said his favorite of his books was Sabbath’s Theater.

    Several years ago, I tried to get into an account I set up with the U.S. Treasury for some savings bonds I had for the kids. Of course, I had forgotten and lost the passwords, etc. so I called the 800 number and explained my situation. The woman on the line asked me for the answers to the security questions I set up for the account. “Who is your favorite author?” She asked. Arrrrgh. I like a bunch of writers and didn’t remember which one I put down. As I was dithering, she said: He wrote Goodbye, Columbus. Philip Roth! Of course! She gave me access to the account. So much for the Treasury’s crack security systems.

    Happy Birthday. Rest in peace Philip Roth.

    The puzzle today focused on what some in Crossworld call DOOKS. You look at the clue and you look at the answer you got which is DOOK and you can’t make any sense out of it. What the hell is a DOOK? Then you realize it’s DO OK. Two words.

    Today’s puzzle was a real dook-a-rama. It’s by Lynn Lempel whose first puzzle (of 102!) appeared in the NYT back in 1979.

    So you might be wondering how in the world is “Choice between a haircut and manicure?” DOORNAILS? But then you read it as DO OR NAILS. (DO = hairdo.)

    And how is GOON SQUAD “Continue with your routine, cheerleaders”? And then you see it as GO ON SQUAD.

    egs today: I understand that TSA is going to put further restrictions in place. Instead of just asking for IDS, they’ll also examine EGOS and SUPEREGOS.

    He also added some DOOKs for us. The best was: Crucial step in bowling: Let _______. (Answer: GOOFBALL.)

    So much crap is blamed on God, it’s a wonder he or she doesn’t have more of a bad name. All the wars, the gay bashing, the forced marriages, stuff like genital mutilation, the ruined lives from abortion denials, and the list goes on and on. But this year’s Oscar for “Greatest Monster Blaming God” goes to (fidgets with the envelope): Mary and Jeremy Cox, of Anderson, Indiana! They took their efforts to kill their child in the name of God all the way up to the Supreme Court and even the Supremes wanted no part of it, thank God.

    At issue was the life and death of their beautiful child, a teenager who is a transgender girl. [OC note: We have not seen her. We are using the adjective “beautiful” because all children are beautiful.] Mary and Jeremy are devout Christians who believe a child should be raised according to his or her gender at birth. So rather than obtaining help for their child, they pressured her to give up her gender identity (to put it mildly, see below). At some point in her struggle she developed an eating disorder. Eating disorders have the highest morbidity rate among mental disorders. So this kid was at risk from the high suicide rates for trans kids, and from self-starvation from the eating disorder.

    The State of Indiana got involved back in 2021 when Child Services received two reports of abuse or neglect, related to the teen’s transgender identity. One accused the parents of verbally and emotionally abusing their child because they did not accept that she was transgender.

    A judge ordered that she be removed from the parents’ custody, get treated for the eating disorder, and participate in individual and family therapy. The state argued the teen’s eating disorder might worsen if the parents regained custody. The parents were told not to discuss transgenderism with their child outside of the therapy sessions because of the connection between those conversations and the eating disorder.

    The parents said the state violated their parental rights, their free speech, and their free exercise of religion. “We seek only to raise our child according to our religious beliefs and best judgment,” they told the court. “This case is about the state taking a child from fit parents.”

    The State said the parents’ beliefs were not the issue. Their failure to address the eating disorder justified the removal of the child. The Indiana appellate court upheld the decision, and the Indiana Supreme Court refused to take the case. Finally, just yesterday, the U.S. Supreme Court refused to take the case as well. So it’s over.

    The Indiana appeals court summed it up: “The parents have the right to exercise their religious beliefs, but not in a manner that causes physical or emotional harm to the child.” Yup. She could have died, you f*cking morons. The goddamn State had to step in to stop you from harming your own f*cking kid — are there no depths to which you idiots will not sink?

    God added: Hrrrrrrrumph.

    Between venal state legislators trampling on trans kids for political gain and brain-dead religious lunatics, what chance do these beautiful kids have? We wrote about one who was buried from bullying just a few weeks ago. How many dead trans kids will be enough? How many?

    George! Grab me a fresca — I’ve upset myself.

    Let’s go off with a tune tonight. See you tomorrow!

  • Albert & Tony

    Is your alligator license up to date? Tony Cavallaro’s expired in 2021, and the next thing he knew the NYS Department of Environmental Conservation Gestapo took his alligator, Albert Edward, away. Albert’s 34 years old, kinehora, 11 feet long, and weighs 750 pounds. Sadly, he’s blind and has spinal injuries. From the side, he looks a little like my cousin in Tacoma. His back isn’t so hot either.

    I gotta tell ya, his digs were pretty posh. Tony built an addition to his house for Albert and it included an in-ground pool. Have a look for yourself. That’s Albert chillin’ over there in the upper left corner.

    It’s illegal to own an alligator in NY unless you get an alligator license for “scientific, educational, exhibition, zoological or propagation purposes.” (Propagation of the alligator, I assume — you can’t get one just to make it easier for you to meet girls.) Well, Tony had an expired license and the State said he also violated the rule against public contact with the alligator.

    Tony, who is 64, pretty much had a “C’mon fellas” defense. He conceded that visitors took pictures with Albert, but they never swam with him or rode him. “They would briefly get in the water for a quick photo, often when he was sleeping.”

    Seems reasonable to us. What could happen?

    Also, rule changes required Tony to install a fence costing $15,000. C’mon fellas!

    Tony had Albert since he (Albert) was a baby. He bought him at a reptile show in Columbus, OH, in 1990. For the past 16 years it has just been the two of them living together. About the removal, Tony said “The poor thing loves me. He was scared. I hope I can get him back, that’s all.” On how the removal was managed, Tony complained the DEC “brought at least 20 or more agents to my house in full body armor and guns, treating me like a criminal. It was like I was a gun-dealing, drug-dealing criminal the way they acted.”

    Tony is planning legal action to recover Albert and a petition campaign has been mounted which has gathered over 100,000 signatures.

    Hang in there, Tony and Albert — it ain’t over till it’s over.

    This poem, in honor of the onslaught of Spring this week — hold on a sec — I think I mean onset — was sent to us by dear friend Norrie. It’s [in-Just] by e.e. cummings, and is her favorite, she tells us. Thanks Nor!

    in Just-
    spring when the world is mud-
    luscious the little
    lame balloonman

    whistles far and wee

    and eddieandbill come
    running from marbles and
    piracies and it’s
    spring

    when the world is puddle-wonderful

    the queer
    old balloonman whistles
    far and wee
    and bettyandisbel come dancing

    from hop-scotch and jump-rope and

    it’s
    spring
    and

    the goat-footed

    balloonMan whistles
    far
    and
    wee

    One no sooner started the puzzle today then who pops up at 1A? — Our favorite old lefty, ABBIE Hoffman, alav hashalom. “1960s activist Hoffman,” doesn’t quite capture him, but, okay — Hi Abbie!

    Rex honored him by making him the “word of the day,” but mostly discussed his legal woes. And one commenter nicely said: “Any puzzle that leads off with ABBIE Hoffman is going to be just fine by me.”

    I shared the following with the gang via this post:

    I went to Brandeis 8 years after ABBIE Hoffman graduated, and he came back to speak while I was there. Politics aside, he was a very funny man. When he was negotiating with the Miami police chief over demonstrations down there, he said at one point — “Listen, if one curly hair on this head is hurt, my father will never come to Miami Beach again.” And the chief said, “Abbie — I know your father. He’ll come.”

    Abbie was the first “Sandwich Man” at Brandeis – selling sandwiches dorm to dorm at night.

    He said he was opposed to women’s rights — “Why, if women had rights, the next thing you know — men will want them too.”

    The FBI file on him was 13,262 pages long, according to wikipedia.

    It’s nice to see him in the puzzle.

    Rest in peace, Abbie. Class of ’59.

    egs was up to his usual tricks on three puzzle answers: ABORT, FLAUNT, and STYES. To wit,

    At Cape Kennedy they no longer ABORT takeoffs due to pressure from the Right to Flight movement.

    I don’t personally FLAUNT my wealth. Sure, I show off, but not shamelessly. Take my private jet, for instance. I’ve got a bumper sticker on it that says “Honk if you Wish No One Was Poor.”

    If your dorm room mates are “roomies,” I guess a pig’s are STYMIES.

    We’re going out on a sad note tonight. Special wishes for our good friend Riverdale Joe on the loss of his wonderful cousin Josh yesterday. The world has lost a real mensch, at a time when they are in short supply. At the risk of embarrassing Joe, here’s a photo he sent me of the two of them earlier tonight. That’s Josh on the right, alav hashalom. It was July 24, 1954. The future, as it turned out, was bright.

    Thanks for stopping by.