The Wellington Files

  • No Woman is an Isla

    I was on the phone with a friend a few days ago, and he asked me how many tries I needed for Wordle that day and what the word was. So I said “Four Queue” and he hung up on me!!

    Here’s some important news from The Onion:

    Dad Spends Most of Phone Call Praising New Bucket

    AUSTIN, TX—Describing the plastic 5-gallon container as “a real stunner,” local father Edward Nielsen reportedly spent most of a phone call with his son Andrew on Monday praising a newly acquired bucket. “It’s a quality bucket, and comfortable to grip too,” said the retiree, refusing to let his son get a word in as he raved over the bucket, which he noted also came with its own high-quality lid. “The best of both worlds. You remember the bucket I had last year, don’t you? That one wasn’t as good. It didn’t have the same capacity. This one’s much better. I wonder if I should have bought a second one. I’ll tell you what, I’m going to go back to the store tomorrow and get another one for myself and one for you, too.” At press time, sources confirmed Nielsen was ignoring questions about how Mom’s surgery went to tout the bucket’s durability.

    Another headline was:

    Biden’s Lungs Fly Out Of Mouth In Attempt To Blow Out Birthday Candles

    Charles de Gaulle was born on this date in 1890. Happy Birthday, Monsieur le President! He ate very quickly. At state banquets plates were often taken away while still full. He didn’t eat fruit, thinking it took too long to peel. And it was he who had this great line: “How can you govern a country that has 246 varieties of cheese?” 

    He said this about Churchill:  “When I am right, I get angry. Churchill gets angry when he is wrong. We are angry at each other much of the time.”

    He was married to his wife, Yvonne, for close to 50 years, until her death did them part. They had three kids. Here he is with his youngest — his daughter Anne. Anne was born with Down Syndrome and lived with the family until passing away at age 20 from pneumonia. De Gaulle loved Anne dearly and took long walks with her, hand-in-hand, talking quietly of things she could understand. She was able to say only one word clearly: “Papa.” At her death, de Gaulle said, “Maintenant, elle est comme les autres.” (“Now, she is like the others.”) Heartbreaking. When de Gaulle died 22 years later, he was buried next to Anne.

    Yvonne was a conservative Catholic and fought against prostitution and pornography. She tried to convince de Gaulle to outlaw miniskirts, but he refused. [OMG, too painful to contemplate. Let’s not go there.]

    After Anne’s death, the de Gaulles created the “Fondation Anne de Gaulle“, to assist young women who were mentally handicapped. Yvonne worked for the foundation for the rest of her life.

    De Gaulle’s son Philippe is a retired French admiral and senator. He is still living, in Paris, at age 101. He has three children, the oldest of whom is named Charles. Charles, however, disappointed the family by moving into right-wing politics. Probably was a slow eater too.

    The NYT had a feature yesterday in which they invited readers to share tips on how to survive the holiday with one’s relatives. Maureen, of Palm Desert CA, wrote: “When spending time with family over the holidays, I bring a few mementos — my business cards, photos with friends, and my house keys — all to remind me that I have a fulfilling life elsewhere.”

    17A in the puzzle today is “Actress Fisher of ‘Wedding Crashers,’” and the answer was ISLA. Pabloinnh said that it was new to him “as I had previously thought that no woman is an ISLA.”

    29D: “Team with a sausage race at every home game,” is THE BREWERS. R Duke noted: I’ve been to a few Brewers games over the years and always enjoyed the sausage race. It doesn’t matter who comes in first, everyone’s a wiener.

    Owl Chatter will be broadcasting our usual nonsense from Bloomfield Hills. MI, over the holiday, just a quick ten-hour drive west. We’ll be schnorring off of Sarah, Sam, Worthington the Owl, and the amazing two-year-old Morris, below. Got cake? Happy Holiday everybody! And, of course, Go Blue!

    We’re going to let Owl Chatter’s Poet Laureate Ted Kooser have the last word tonight. This poem is from Winter Morning Walks. We’ve shared it before, and I’m sure we’ll share it again.

    I saw the season’s first bluebird
    this morning, one month ahead
    of its scheduled arrival. Lucky I am
    to go off to my cancer appointment
    having been given a bluebird, and,
    for a lifetime, having been given
    this world.

  • Bad Citizenship

    It’s the writer Don DeLillo’s birthday today. He’s 86. (Ouch.) He was born in NYC and his alma mater is Fordham. His eighth novel, White Noise, published in 1985, won the National Book Award. George Will didn’t like his ninth novel, Libra, on the JFK assassination. Writing in WaPo, Will declared the book “an act of literary vandalism and bad citizenship.” DeLillo said “being called a ‘bad citizen’ is a compliment to a novelist. We ought to be bad citizens. We ought to, in the sense that we’re writing against what power represents, and often what government represents, and what the corporation dictates, and what consumer consciousness has come to mean. In that sense, if we’re bad citizens, we’re doing our job.” DeLillo rejected Will’s claim that he blames America for Lee Harvey Oswald, countering that he instead blamed America for George Will.

    The rock band “The Airborne Toxic Event” took its name from a section of White Noise. I recall that event, even though I read the book decades ago. There was an emergency response team that took its drills very seriously. So seriously that they responded to the actual disaster from the standpoint of using it to see how they could improve their drills.

    Here’s the band. You like strings?

    Some of you know the singer Shakira, — you know, with the hips? She’s 46 now, from Colombia, and has two kids. Well, she couldn’t use those hips to wriggle out of her tax bill in Spain, and nearly wound up in jail. The question was how much time did she spend in Spain during the years at issue. She danced her way into court last Monday in a pink outfit, just a few days after winning two Latin Grammy awards in Seville. A last-minute settlement has her paying around 22.5 million euros to close the books on the matter. Owl Chatter asks — does this look like a tax cheat to you? Don’t pay any attention to those nasty tax people, darling.

    Today’s poem is by Charles Simic, from The Writer’s Almanac. It’s called “Rural Delivery.”

    I never thought we’d end up
    Living this far north, love.
    Cold blue heaven over our heads,
    Quarter moon like chalk on a slate.

    This week it’s the art of subtraction
    And further erasure that we study.
    O the many blanks to ponder
    Before the night overtakes us once more
    On this lonely stretch of road
    Unplowed since this morning;
    Mittens raised against the sudden
    Blinding gust of wind and snow,
    But the mailbox empty. I had to stick
    My bare hand all the way in
    To make sure this is where we live.

    The wonder of it! We retraced our steps
    Homeward lit by the same fuel
    As the snow glinting in the gloom
    Of the early nightfall.

    In the puzzle today, the clue at 25A was “Exasperated cry you might make when being turned over to voice mail.” The answer was PICK UP THE PHONE! It elicited this back and forth between Rex and Pete.

    Rex: Why are you shouting “PICK UP THE PHONE!” when it’s already gone to voice? Shouldn’t you be shouting it earlier? I mean, you shouldn’t be shouting it at all, no one can hear you, but for your inherently ineffectual shouting to make any kind of sense, you gotta be doing it earlier.

    Pete: You yell PICK UP THE PHONE when you know that the person has a home voice mail system and no caller ID and is screening calls to see who it is and you know that the person they’re screening out is you but you feel obligated to try and make them pick up the phone anyway. (Not that this ever happened to me.)

    This song is 45 years old. It’s from the same album (Parallel Lines) that had “Heart of Glass” on it with the lyric:

    Once I had a love and it was a gas
    Soon turned out to be a pain in the ass

    Hands up if you’ve been there. See you tomorrow!

  • Cranberry Sauce

    Yesterday’s Michigan win over Maryland, was much more difficult than expected. It was a real Yogi game — it wasn’t over till it was over. The final score was 31-24. Four of our points came off of safeties, which is unusual. One from an intentional grounding call against the Terps from their own end zone, and the other on a blocked punt. On the punt, the ball rolled into their end zone and would have been a TD for us had we recovered it, but a Terp alertly kicked it out of bounds for a less disastrous (for them) safety. Neither our running game nor our defense was dominant. We did enough to win, but as a Maryland fan tauntingly said to some Michigan folk as we were walking out — “You almost lost to an unranked opponent.” The guy behind me replied: “Almost.”

    Linda, Phil, and I were seated in a section that was almost entirely Michigan fans. Overall, the Maize and Blue was well-represented – maybe 25-30% of the crowd? I’m not sure you can tell from this shot Phil took.

    I love looking at all the different Michigan hats and shirts. My favorite new one that I saw was a sweatshirt in Michigan blue that just said “OF” in maize (yellow) lettering. Nothing else front or back. It must be the OF of University of Michigan, no?

    It was a good little outing. We stopped at our favorite place in Baltimore for dinner (incredible pizza) — Joe Squared, and stayed at a very comfortable Best Western in North East, MD, a bit up Route 95 from Cal Ripken Stadium where the Aberdeen Ironbirds play. “North East” is the name of the town, not a region in Maryland. It’s sort of a silly name, because it will only be north east of you if you are standing south west of it. If you are north east of North East and someone asks you, how do I get to North East?, you’ll have to say, “Head south west to get to North East. Don’t head north east because you are already north east of North East so heading north east will not get you to North East.”

    Todays’ poem from The Writer’s Almanac is by Sharon Olds. It’s her birthday today — she’s 81, kinahora. I guess it’s especially for you moms out there, but I think the rest of us can relate to it too. It rewards re-readings.

    First Formal

    She rises up above the strapless, her dewy
    flesh like a soul half out of a body.
    It makes me remember her one week old,
    soft, elegant, startled, alone.
    She stands still, as if, if she moved,
    her body might pour up out of the bodice,
    she keeps her steady gaze raised
    when she walks, she looks exactly forward,
    led by some radar of the strapless, or with
    a cup runneth over held perfectly level, her
    almost sea-sick beauty shimmering
    a little. She looks brave, shoulders
    made of some extra-visible element,
    or as if some of her cells, tonight,
    were faceted like a fly’s eye, and her
    skin was seeing us see it. She looks
    hatched this moment, and yet weary—she would lie
    in her crib, so slight, looking worn out from her journey,
    and gaze at the world and at us in dubious willingness.

    In 2005, during W’s presidency, Laura Bush invited Olds to The White House. She declined, and wrote an open letter published in The Nation. It concluded with: “So many Americans who had felt pride in our country now feel anguish and shame for the current regime of blood, wounds and fire. I thought of the clean linens at your table, the shining knives and the flames of the candles, and I could not stomach it.”

    Her collection Stag’s Leap, published in 2013, won the T. S. Eliot Prize for Poetry. She was the first American woman to win it. It also won the Pulitzer Prize for Poetry.

    Today’s Modern Love column in the NYT by Rick Newman starts out with the following:

    She offered to bring fancy cheese, the kind that costs $35 per pound. I said a couple of supermarket slabs would be fine, for one-fourth the price.

    Four days later, she dumped me.

    Was it the cheese? Did the cheese represent something bigger? Or was the cheese just an innocent bystander? I had been through too many breakups to let it go. I had to parse the cheese.

    [I’m not going to give away how it ends, but here’s the artwork that accompanies it.]

    Today’s puzzle was a pun-fest centered on Thanksgiving Dinner. E.g., “Pro tip about seasoning stuffing?” was SAGE ADVICE. And “Selects green bean casserole, candied yams and mashed potatoes?” was CHOOSES SIDES.

    Pabloinnh noted: This was my kind of puzzle, with cool mellow puns, which is to say, no hot cross puns.

    The clue at 108A was “Make cranberry sauce from scratch?” and the answer was KICK THE CAN.

    Rex poster Gary shared this tale: Here’s my cranberry story: Like many, we grew up with cranberry from the can and it was served in the shape of the can. Nobody thought this was weird. When I brought my future wife to her first Thanksgiving with us, she was helping with meal prep and took a fork to the cranberry cylinder, ya know, to make it look not like it came out of a can, and mom flipped out. We got through the incident, I got married to her, she’s by far the best cook I’ve ever met, and we have homemade cranberries with orange in it these days.

    Beezer responded: Gary, I laughed out loud at your wife’s cranberry faux pas! The first Thanksgiving I hosted for my husband’s family I made real cranberries AND giblet gravy. Neither were touched. I got the message and just decided there were two less things I had to worry about for future Thanksgivings.

    Teedmn has the last word on the topic, and a neat piece of advice:

     My family also served the cranberry sauce in the can shape, with a couple of slices pre-sliced before bringing it to the table. I’ve shown a couple of people the cool hack of how to get the sauce out in one piece by putting a hole in one end before opening the other end. Works like a charm.

    58A was “Features of a vacant stare:” DEAD EYES. Creepy.

    And 35A sends us off tonight: “Time to head out:” LET’S GO. Remember The Feelies? Me neither.

    See you tomorrow.

  • Lobsterman!

    According to a House Ethics subcommittee, GOP Congressman George Santos defrauded campaign donors, falsified financial records, and used campaign money on beauty products, rent, luxury items from Hermes and Ferragamo, and purchases at the website OnlyFans. It recommended Santos be referred to the DOJ. It also suggested Santos try to get his money back for those beauty products.

    BTW, according to wikipedia, OnlyFans is an internet content subscription service used primarily by sex workers who produce pornography, but it also hosts the work of other content creators, such as physical fitness experts, musicians, and tax professors.

    Content on the platform is user-generated and monetized via subscriptions, tips, and pay-per-view. As of May, OnlyFans had more than 3 million registered creators and 220 million registered users. Bella Thorne broke OnlyFans earnings records when she joined the platform in 2020, generating $2 million in a week. Thorne promised subscribers nude photos, but instead provided only photos in lingerie, leading to a large number of chargebacks. [In defense of OnlyFans, Owl Chatter notes that we got our refund pretty quickly.] Here’s Bella.

    Lobsterman Rescues Man From Submerged Car. That was the headline. I thought a new superhero had risen among us – half man, half lobster. But it was just a lobster fisherman in Maine jumping off of his boat to help a guy who drove a stolen car into the water.

    Here’s our hero — Manny Kourinos — let’s just take a look at his hands closely before giving up the dream. Nope, they’re human. Good job Kourinos!

    True story: Many years ago a distant cousin of mine, Murray Lubitsch, was working a part-time job down in Florida as a parking attendant near a shallow canal, and he saw a car swerve off the road and into the water. An elderly woman had lost control of the car. The water wasn’t very deep, but the woman was pretty shaken up and was having trouble getting out. My cousin waded into the canal, and helped the poor dear out.

    Somehow, word of the incident reached the local paper and it wrote a story about the “rescue.” Then, since these towns in Florida don’t have much going on, my cousin got a call saying the mayor was going to issue a certificate of valor to him in a special ceremony. My very funny Uncle Morris (alav hashalom) went. We called him Maish. After the certificate was presented and some words were spoken, people were milling around, and the local reporter who was covering the event went up to Maish and asked him what his connection to Murray was. Maish said he was Murray’s swimming instructor.

    It happened again during my law exam today. A student came up and said he was confused about Question 16. The question described a contract and asked whether one of the parties, Bob, could assign his contract right to Ellen. Okay, I said, what’s confusing you? (He was whispering, of course.) So he whispered: Can Bob assign his contract right to Ellen? I looked at him for a few seconds and then I whispered back: That’s what I’m asking you — that’s the question.

    God, I love these students – I would teach for free.

    This poem by Ted Kooser is from Winter Morning Walks. I’m going to let it usher us out tonight. Thanks for stopping in.

    A rag rug of a landscape this morning —
    remnants of dirty snow,
    torn strips of muddy stubble field.
    Behind the yellow windowshade of dawn,
    in an enormous, sunny room,
    my grandfather’s older brother Lou,
    wearing a woman’s apron, blue and white,
    bends stiffly away from the loom
    upon which he’s weaving the day
    and rummages through his bag of scraps.
    He needs one with a spot of green
    to show me down here on the gravel road
    stepping along in my winter coat.

    Owl Chatter is heading down to College Park, MD, early tomorrow for the Michigan/Maryland game at noon. Go Blue!

  • Lazy Circles in the Sky

    We have a good turn of events to report on a story covered by Owl Chatter a short while ago. Max Hightower, the young trans gentleman who was stripped of his role in his high school’s production of Oklahoma! will be performing in it after all! Yay Max!

    Things had gotten ugly in conservative Sherman TX. Not only was Max denied his role, any girl in a man’s role, or boy in a woman’s role, was bumped, and then the entire production was scrapped. A theater teacher who objected was personally escorted out of the school by the principal. A stage set that students took two months to build was demolished. (Crash!)

    But Max’s family, led by his dad Phillip, fought the decision as did other cast families. And the cause was picked up by good people in the community. A hearing was held by the school district, and every seat in the room was filled. Sixty-five people signed up to speak, almost all of them on the side of Max and his castmates. It was an extraordinary showing by the community that shocked even Max’s supporters. The board took three hours to consider the matter and decided unanimously to reinstate the production with the original cast intact.

    Not everybody was pleased, of course. One local shopper said she believed that God made people either male or female and that the issue was as simple as that. I wish I knew as clearly as she did what God thinks on every issue, including the casting of high school productions. We could certainly use her on the Owl Chatter staff – we are so often at sea. But the article in The Times did not include her name or contact information.

    A gay married couple recalled how their daughter brought them the good news. “She just said “We won.’ She was beaming, smiling ear to ear.” They hung a Pride Flag in their window for the first time. They felt a little better about their neighbors.

    “We want to apologize to our students, parents, our community regarding the circumstances that they’ve had to go through,” the board president, Brad Morgan, said afterward.

    That’s okay, Morgan. You did good.

    Pictured below, before the song, are the protesters and Max’s dad.

    We go from the sublime to, well, feet.

    Ziwe Fumudoh, a comedian who goes by Ziwe, wrote a funny article in The New Yorker of 9/25/23. It’s called “Best Foot Forward” and is about her feet. But she writes about her hair and other parts too:

    “I am very self-conscious about the way that I look, in part because I am a woman who happens to be conscious.”

    “I had body odor. As an adult, I am known for smelling as fresh as a tropical beach after a rainstorm, because I surround myself with candles and fragrances. However, when I was a child, I was unfamiliar with the concept of deodorant. For some reason, it had never been explained to me. Not to point any fingers, but my mother refused to buy me products that acknowledged that I had hit puberty, and instead told me to scrub my armpits harder.

    One issue for a stinky middle schooler is that people will actually remark on your scent. The most memorable conversation about my stinkiness was when my sixth-grade teacher, Mr. [REDACTED], pulled me aside during gym class to ask me if my parents were dead. Confused, but ever cheery, I informed him that they were not. He replied, ‘Well, then, tell your mother to buy you deodorant.’

    I guess that, in Mr. [REDACTED]’s reality, the only logical explanation for my body odor was that I was an orphan whose parents’ death in some freak accident had led to my subsequent neglect.”

    But the story is about her feet. It turns out there is a website called wikiFeet that contains photos of celebrities’ feet, with ratings of same. Ziwe had no idea it existed or that a photo of her feet made its way onto it. A friend of hers sent her rating to her.

    “To my horror, I learned that I had a wikiFeet rating of two stars [out of five], categorized as ‘okay feet.’ While ‘okay’ is technically not an insult, it is not a compliment, either. I hate my feet. Also, I hate everyone else’s feet. In my humble opinion, feet are just ugly hands, and hands are not that cute to begin with. But, though it’s fine for me to have disdain for my extremities, for strangers to rate my ten toes as anything other than ‘perfect,’ ‘beautiful,’ or possibly ‘dainty’ is a hate crime that should be punished to the fullest extent of the law. This may seem like an irrational reaction, but you are wrong and stupid, and also, shut up!”

    She took comfort in the one comment her feet elicited. On 6/27/2020, at 12:22 PM, someone posted “Nice feet girl!”

    But her two-star (“okay”) rating definitely eats at her.

    “As such, I am demanding a call to action. Please go to wikifeet.com, create a user account on this collaborative, celebrity-foot database, and vote for me like my self-confidence depends on it.”

    Okay, girl. We hear you.

    Today’s puzzle by the brilliant Paolo Pasco is one for the ages. Quite a “feat” of construction. The theme is Evel Knievel, the insane stunt guy who, miraculously, died of natural causes back in 2007 at age 69. The puzzle spells out his name in circles that rise up a ramp, soar over a group of buses, and land safely on the other side. The letter/circles are part of crossing answers, and the buses are the ends of the answers COLUMBUS, REBUS, and SYLLABUS. (See the bottom section of the completed grid below.) Also, 23A is LIVING ON THE EDGE, and 9D is DAREDEVIL. Last, the clue at 3D is “Punny advice for this puzzle’s subject,” and the answer is GET OVER IT. Whew — exhausting — the man knows how to construct a puzzle. Even Rex was impressed. Oh, I almost forgot to mention (!), if you complete the puzzle online, the software actually shows a little motorcycle in motion — riding up the ramp, soaring, and coming down the ramp. (I’m not kidding.)

    In the Owl Chatter “Oops” Department, the new “indoor simulator” golf league backed by Tiger Woods and Rory McIlroy slated to start in January suffered a setback when the roof collapsed due to a power failure. The arena is a giant dome in part supported by air. When the power went out, the air support shut off, and the dome collapsed, suffering substantial damage. No one was hurt. I’m no engineer (Hi Sam!), and I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there’s some flaw in that plan somewhere, it seems to me, by crackie.

    That seems like a good enough dose of nonsense for us today. Thanks for popping in — see you tomorrow!

  • Down to the Ground, Down to the Ground

    Oh, we’re in for a treat today, courtesy of Rex. He regularly posts musical selections related to the puzzle and today they were over-the-top wonderful. For the clue “Handle that goes up and down?” the answer was OTIS (handle: name, then think elevator), so we got an Otis Redding tune that is not Dock of the Bay, and for some reason I can’t fathom, we got a Joan Armatrading song: Down To Zero. Let’s enjoy them right off the bat to set the tone for today’s chatter.

    One commenter asked about that song: Is it possible to shiver while you’re melting?

    And here’s Otis:

    Miriam Webster’s word of the day today is CHIMERA, and here’s the entry:

    In Greek mythology, Chimera is a fire-breathing monster that has a lion’s head, a goat’s body, and a snake’s tail. [Quite the combo plate, see below.] In general contexts, chimera can refer to something (such as an aspiration) that exists only in the imagination and is not possible in reality.

    I think I sorta knew what it means, except for the monster part, but I was mispronouncing it. It’s not shim-era with the accent on shim. It’s ke-merra, with the accent on merra. Thanks, Miriam! I won’t be making that mistake again (maybe).

    Today’s puzzle by Gary Larson (not the cartoonist) was a “zee-fest” with the letter Z added to phrases to obtain wackiness. E.g., at 53A “Cap worn at a Shriners Christmas party?” was SANTA FEZ. My fave was at 16A: “Obnoxious houseguest?” was STAYING PUTZ. In case you don’t know, a putz is a stupid or worthless person, but it also has an off-color meaning, which I wonder if the NYT considered.

    I was flummoxed right off the bat at 1A, where the clue was “Half of an orange?” It turned out to be RED. WTF? Rex explained it refers to the color orange which is a combination of red and yellow. Ouch! Got me!

    A PELICAN flew into the grid today, clued as the state bird of Louisiana. There was a myth that a pelican mom would stab herself in the chest with her beak to draw blood to feed her young with when food was otherwise unavailable, but that’s not true. Your basic pelican mom is, like, “I’ll dig something up for those kids. Don’t worry about it.”

    Nevertheless, a pelican with a bloodstained chest became a symbol for some Christian artists who were drawn to the “sacrifice” element in the myth. In a portrait most likely painted by (or under the direction of) Nicolas Hilliard, of Queen Elizabeth I, she’s wearing a pelican pendant. It’s called The Pelican Portrait (duh). You can see the blood in the pelican detail, below.

    And here’s a real pelican (no it’s not: Scuttle’s a gull). (Sorry about all this pelican chatter, owls.)

    Here you go.

    In a follow-up to yesterday’s elbow incident, not to be confused with the Ox Bow Incident, former House Speaker Kevin McCarthy shot a rubber band across the House floor at Rep. Tim Burchett of Tennessee today. It fell wide of its target. It’s very hard to aim those things. McCarthy denied shooting at Burchett, but our staff photographer Phil provided us with this photo he caught of McCarthy’s right hand taken seconds before Burchett dove to the House floor.

    Headline in The Onion today: Girlfriend Signs Couple Up For Med School.

    A statue of the Virgin Mary in Mexico has been captured “crying” tears, prompting hundreds to travel to witness a “miracle.” The statue, in a church in the town of El Canal, Colima, was recorded showing what looks like tears seeping out of the Virgin Mary’s eyes.

    Some witnesses believe the Virgin Mary’s tears are real, as the redness around her eyes indicates she has been crying. Yup, they’re real alright.

    “Similarly, when we cry, and our eyes become red, the same happens to the image,” Victor Ramos, a local idiot, said. Of course. Makes sense.

    “We can associate it with the rising violence rates here in the state of Colima, also here in the community,” he said. Yeah. That explains it.

    Colima has been labelled the most dangerous city in Mexico and has held that ranking for six years. “You’d cry too,” Ramos reasoned.

    What do you have to do to get fired by the Pope? Right-wing Texas Bishop Joe Strickland turned the trick. Besides generally dissing his royal Popeship, Bishop maintained a fairly consistent level of assholery. He was behind the controversy over the Dodgers disinviting (and then re-inviting) the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence to their Pride Night this year. And, get this. According to Rachel Maddow:

    “You might remember that just before the January 6th attack on Congress, like three weeks before that, in mid-Dec. 2020, there was another day of crazy right-wing pro-Trump violence in the streets of Washington, D.C. Dec. 12, 2020. A number of people were stabbed. There were brawls in the streets of Washington, running, fistfights and battles. A Black Lives Matter banner was stolen and burned from a D.C. church. The largest event pro-Trump forces had organized was the Jericho March. This was a Mike Flynn thing, where Stewart Rhodes, the leader of the Oath Keepers, called for Trump to invoke the Insurrection Act to use the military in American streets to keep Trump in power.

    “And that event included an address from Bishop Strickland. A serving bishop speaking at an event that was calling for the overthrow of the U.S. government, including by the use of the Army.”

    A petition signed by 10,000 people thanked the Pope for removing Strickland. It stated: Strickland “is a notoriously election-denying, QAnon-spreading, Francis-bashing, vaccine-rejecting, LGBTQ-hating, division-sowing, fire-breathing darling of right-wing Twitter. His agenda went beyond far-right culture wars to full-blown Christian nationalism, even appearing at a ‘Stop the Steal’ MAGA event.”

    You can keep that stick thing and the costume. Just get out.

    Arrrrrgh. See you tomorrow.

  • Elisha Cuthbert

    Do you believe? In particular, do you believe in wishes? If you do, you may pick up some tips from today’s puzzle. The theme answer is MAKE A WISH, and it has five things you are supposed to make a wish on, several of which are new to me. SHOOTING STAR and LADYBUG are the ones I know. Did you know there are male ladybugs? They are a little smaller than the female, and, I would guess, are pretty insecure. This one’s not male.

    Then there is DANDELION – that stuff you blow off, right? But they also included ELEVEN ELEVEN — when you see it on a clock — and EYE LASH. If you see that an eyelash has fallen onto a face, or somewhere, you are supposed to wish upon it too.

    The superstition that compels us to wish on otherwise random objects dates back at least a couple of centuries. Several versions of eyelash wishing existed in 18th century Britain and Ireland. For example, folklore recorded in Shropshire, England, instructs that if “an eyelash comes out, put it on the back of the hand, wish, and throw it over the shoulder. If it leaves the hand, the wish will come true.”

    Fans of the TV show “24” know all about ELISHA Cuthbert (who was in the puzzle today at 44A) as no less than Jack Bauer’s daughter. She was born in Calgary and will turn 41 later this month. She’s a big ice hockey fan which is good because she married Dion Phaneuf, a former captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs. They have two children, a daughter born in 2017 and a son in 2022.

    Maxim named her the sexiest woman in television in 2013 and she generally does very well in “sexiest women” lists. She must have been especially sexy in 2013, because GQ also named her one of the hottest women of the 21st century that year.

    Here she is, as bright as the sun, with all of her eyelashes in place.

    Happy Birthday to writer/humorist P.J. O’Rourke, who was born on this date in 1947 in Toledo, Ohio, and passed away on Feb. 15, 2022, in Sharon, NH.

    Here’s one of his quotes: “Drugs have taught an entire generation of kids the metric system.”

    And this paragraph which he wrote was shared today in The Writer’s Almanac. As far as I’m concerned, it’s perfect.

    “The source of the word ‘humorist’ is one who regards human beings in terms of their humors — you know, whether they’re sanguine or full of yellow bile, or whatever the four classical humors are. You stand back from people and regard them as types. And one finds, especially by the time one reaches one’s fifties, that there are a limited number of types of people in the world, and you went to high school with every single one of them. You can visit the Eskimos, you can visit the Bushmen in the Kalahari, you can go to Israel, you can go to Egypt, but everybody you meet is going to be somebody you went to high school with.”

    You get the last word today, PJ. See you tomorrow everybody. Thanks for popping by.

  • Nothing To Be Afraid Of

    Another dreadful Jets loss last night. Lucky for me, I fell asleep at halftime and didn’t get to see it unfold. Back when my friend Lance was alive, I would get to my office every Monday during the season and find a phone message from him mournfully intoning Yiskadal v’yiskadash, the Jewish prayer for the dead.

    One play I saw last night had poor, hapless Zach Wilson, the most maligned quarterback in Jets history (which is saying something, believe me), break out of the pocket, elude a tackler, and race down the sideline for a touchdown! Hurrah! However, the replay showed he just stepped out of bounds by about an inch back at the three yard line, so they placed the ball back there and it was first and goal from the three. Then the Jets ran a nice running play to score the touchdown again. Hurrah! But this time they were flagged for a holding penalty (a sh*t call, IMO) and the ball was brought back to the thirteen. That was the last hurrah — they couldn’t score from there and had to settle for a field goal — three points instead of seven. They wound up losing the game by that four point difference, 16 to 12. It’s a good thing I’m not the type of fan who gets bitter (much).

    Is it starting to get cold where you are? Vermont Lizzie — you up to your pupik in snow yet? Today’s poem from The Writer’s Almanac addresses that. It’s called “Opposing Forces,” and is by Eamon Grennan.

    Even in this sharp weather there are lovers everywhere
    holding onto each other, hands in one another’s pockets
    for warmth, for the sense of I’m yours, the tender claim
    it keeps making—one couple stopping in the chill
    to stand there, faces pressed together, arms around
    jacketed shoulders so I can see bare hands grapple
    with padding, see the rosy redness of cold fingers
    as they shift a little, trying to register through fold
    after fold, This is my flesh feeling you you’re feeling.

    It must be some contrary instinct in the blood
    that sets itself against the weather like this, brings
    lovers out like early buds, like the silver-grey catkins
    I saw this morning polished to brightness
    by ice overnight. Geese, too: more and more couples
    voyaging north, great high-spirited congregations
    taking the freezing air in and letting it out
    as song, as if this frigid enterprise were all joy,
    nothing to be afraid of.

    58A yesterday was “Where to see heads of gladiators, informally.” I couldn’t make any sense out of the answer, even when I got it via the crosses: AMEX CARDS. It finally hit me, there is a gladiator logo sort of thing on AMEX credit cards.

    But one Rexite argued that it was a Roman soldier — not a gladiator. To which Kitshef replied: From the US Patent and Trademark Office’s official website:
    American Express Marketing & Development Corp
    Application #90862191
    Trademark application details
    “The mark consists of a Roman Gladiator Head enclosed in an oval shape design.”

    You’d think that would end it — it’s the goddamn U.S. patent office.

    But “Fox” posted: Um.. the guy on the AMEXCARD is a Roman Centurion, nearly the antithesis of a gladiator. I mean, they both fight but under very different circumstances. [A centurion is a soldier who fights in battle. A gladiator fights in competitions. Sort of the difference between a Marine and a pro wrestler or boxer.]

    Then “Beezer” chimed in with:

    Apparently the “is it a GLADIATOR or a centurion” debate “is a thing” and is mentioned in Wikipedia. After looking at various Roman gladiator AND centurion helmet images, my conclusion is the “real” helmet images for both provide much more protection than the AMEX helmet image, but the Amex image allows you to see the handsome Roman profile. I think the “safety/security” thing associated with the centurions is probably right when paired with a credit card.

    Want more?

    Sailor cited a website devoted to company logos which said:

    “The man dressed in ancient armor is referred to as a gladiator in both the original trademark and also in the current American Express trademarks. The initial trademark of 1958 described the gladiator in the American Express logo as a gladiator on a shield whereas the current American Express website lists the logo character as a Gladiator Head Design. The lawsuit of 1989 between the Vibra Approved Laboratories and the American Express also simply termed this character within the logo as a gladiator head design. However, there are many who believe that the gladiator is a centurion who in the roman century was a commanding officer and a part of the general Roman legion.”

    We sent Phil over to Rome to see if he could resolve this vital issue. He spent all of his time there drinking, and came back with this shot. She’s a gladiatrix. Good work, buddy!

    Life and death in the USA.

    By all accounts, Fred “Bubba” Copeland, was a decent guy, and very well-liked, beloved even. He was the mayor of Smiths Station, Alabama, population 5,384. He was also a pastor at the First Baptist Church of Phenix City, AL. His wife Angela was a teacher and cheer coach at Smiths Station Junior High. He had two stepchildren and one biological child from his first marriage.

    On November 1, 2023, journalist Craig Monger of conservative news website 1819 News reported on social media posts by Copeland in which he wore women’s clothing (see above) and described himself as a “transgender curvy girl.” The contents of Copeland’s posts allegedly included explicit photos of himself, and transgender pornography.

    Before the report was released, Copeland spoke with the website, claiming that his behavior was a “hobby” for “getting rid of stress.” He also said “I’m not medically transitioning. It’s just a bit of a character I’m playing.” Copeland requested that the article not be published, citing his family and his position as a pastor.

    Waste of breath, right? His request was ignored.

    Speaking at the First Baptist Church, Copeland said “Yes, I have taken pictures with my wife in the privacy of our home in an attempt at humor because I know I’m not a handsome man nor a beautiful woman, either.” He added, “I’ve been an object of an internet attack. The article is not who or what I am. … I apologize for any embarrassment caused by my private and personal life that has become public. This will not cause my life to change. This will not waver my devotion to my family, serving my city, serving my church. I’m thankful for the grace of God and the willingness to forgive. I have nothing to be ashamed of. A lot of things that were said were taken out of context. In conclusion, I love my family. They’re number one. And, again, I’m sorry for what my actions have caused.”

    Leaders in state Baptist associations stated that they had “serious concern” about Copeland’s “alleged unbiblical behavior.” Hmmmm. Yes, this is very serious indeed.

    Copeland noted to a friend that he was having “dark days” and was being attacked viciously online. Two days after speaking in church, Copeland killed himself with a handgun. Former U.S. Senator from Alabama, Doug Jones called the attacks on Copeland and the circumstances of his death sad and disgusting. Ya think?

    Peter LORRE popped by the puzzle today: “Actor Peter of ‘M’ and ‘The Man Who Knew Too Much.’” He was Jewish, born in 1904, and fled Nazi Germany after Hitler came to power. His name at birth was Laszlo Lowenstein.

    Here’s some interesting stuff about his family, particularly his only child, Catherine. Lorre was divorced twice before marrying Anne Marie Brenning in 1953 who bore Catherine that year. Lorre died in 1964 and Anne Marie in 1971. Catherine later made headlines after serial killer Kenneth Bianchi confessed to police that he and his cousin and fellow “Hillside Strangler” Angelo Buono, posing as undercover police officers, had stopped her in 1977 with the intent of abduction and murder, but let her go upon learning that she was Peter Lorre’s daughter. Only after Bianchi was arrested did Catharine realize whom she had met. Catharine died of complications from diabetes, in1985, when she was only 32.

    Life can be stressful, and Lorre sometimes lost his head. On this occasion, his buddy Vincent Price found it and returned it to him. He’s looking a little suspiciously at Phil, though. Phil!! Run!!

    Maybe we should all run, now that I think about it. See you tomorrow.

  • And So It Goes

    Here is a kingfisher, showing off his catch.

    Keep it in mind as you read today’s poem from The Writer’s Almanac by Wendell Berry called “Before Dark.”

    From the porch at dusk I watched
    a kingfisher wild in flight
    he could only have made for joy.

    He came down the river, splashing
    against the water’s dimming face
    like a skipped rock, passing

    on down out of sight. And still
    I could hear the splashes
    farther and farther away

    as it grew darker. He came back
    the same way, dusky as his shadow,
    sudden beyond the willows.

    The splashes went on out of hearing.
    It was dark then. Somewhere
    the night had accommodated him

    —at the place he was headed for
    or where, led by his delight,
    he came.

    What a list of women in the puzzle today!! Jennifer Aniston, Glenn Close, Tami Hoag, Linda Ellerbee, Ayn Rand, Amy Klobuchar, Ann Patchett, Jane Goodall, Bea Arthur, Jacinda Ardern, and the fictional Lisbeth Salander: “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.”

    Phil!! Run out and get some more Fresca!! I think we’re okay on dip. I’ll pull the last of Yev’s pierogies out of the freezer — what are we saving them for?

    Linda Ellerbee is 79 now. Here’s how she looked before.

    She was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a double mastectomy — but that was back in 1992. Whew. Good catch, docs.

    She got one of her early jobs in radio because her Texas background made her sound Black, and the Black woman the station hired didn’t.

    Ellerbee’s work on NBC News Overnight was recognized by the duPont Columbia Awards as “possibly the best written and most intelligent news program ever.” Her work on news for children with her husband Rolfe Tessum for their company Lucky Duck Productions (Nick News) received much praise and many awards. Before marrying Rolfe in 1985, she shed husbands in ’66, ’71, ’75, and ’83.

    Does anyone remember this? In 1989, Ellerbee created a minor uproar by appearing in TV ads for Maxwell House coffee. The NYT said the ads betrayed her trademark “uncompromising intellectual honesty” and “sardonic wit” — and were mercenary, “devaluing both broadcast news and broadcast advertising.” Jeez Louise! Jimmy Breslin called to support her by reminding her that when he made a beer commercial, they let him keep his Pulitzer Prize. (Burp!)

    She was associated with the sign-off phrase “and so it goes,” which became the title of her first memoir (and of this Owl Chatter post!).

    Here’s a small sample of her work, a piece she produced for Nick News. You won’t see her in it, but her hands are all over it.

    In case you missed it, Michigan beat Penn State yesterday 24-15 in a very big game for both teams. UM coach Harbaugh was out, suspended due to a sign-stealing scandal, but Sherrone Moore took over at the helm and steered the ship well. Interestingly, starting in the second period, Michigan used only running plays for the rest of the game — not a single pass play. Was it a “statement?” Penn State came into the game with the best run defense in the country.

    Moore got a little emotional after the game, even slipping an F-bomb or two and a “sh*t” into his post-game blather. Check out this clip — I love the “Thank you Coach” Jenny Taft drops at the end.

    Owl Chatter will be moving its operations down to College Park, MD, next weekend to catch the UMich-Maryland game in person. Should just be a warm-up for the following week’s death match against Ohio State, but you can never take anything for granted. Go Blue!

    And, Harbaugh — Owl Chatter loves the sh*t out of you too!

    Getting back to those women in the puzzle, does Jacinda Ardern ring any bells for you?

    On October 26, 2017, at age 37, Ardern became the Prime Minister of New Zealand, thus becoming the world’s youngest female head of government. (She served until Jan of this year.) Ardern gave birth to her daughter the following June, making her only the second elected head of government to give birth while in office. The first was Golda Meir at age 76. Wait, what? No, the first was Benazir Bhutto. (Who even knew Ben was a woman?)

    As PM, Ardern introduced strict gun control laws after a mass shooting in a mosque, and she led New Zealand’s response to COVID-19, winning praise for its being one of the few Western nations to contain the virus successfully.

    [OTOH, a Rex poster posted this: We just returned from 3 weeks in New Zealand and were surprised that many of the people we met had a very low opinion of Ms. Ardern. She certainly seems charming based on her Colbert appearances but the general feeling was “you can have her.”]

    Before PM-ing, she spent some time in the U.S., which included volunteering at a soup kitchen in NY. Her dad was a cop and her mom a school catering assistant. Her daughter’s given names are Neve Te Aroha. Neve is an anglicized form of the Irish name Niamh, meaning ‘bright’; Aroha is Māori for ‘love’, and Te Aroha is a rural town west of the Kaimai Range, near Ardern’s former home town of Morrinsville.

    SAL BANDO was in the puzzle too — “Captain of MLB’s Swingin’ A’s of the 1970s.” Those A’s won three consecutive World Series (’72 – ’74), and he was a frequent All-Star and near-MVP. Take a look at that wonderful Italian punim — first his real one and then how he appeared in his cameo role on The Simpsons! He passed away earlier this year at 78. Rest in peace, Salvatore.

    In his beautiful tribute to Matthew Perry in the Sunday Opinion section of The Times today, Hank Azaria wanted to convey how funny Perry was within their friendship. Here’s what he came up with:

    Every time — and I do mean every time — we went to a McDonald’s drive-thru, he would ask the person on the other side of the speaker, “Do you know what Grimace is?” After getting a “no,” he would offer, “I think it’s a purple shake that has no cup.” There was usually a pause followed by a very confused, “May I take your order, sir?”

    Whenever we went into a public restroom together, I’d beg him — I’d say, “Please don’t do it, Matthew.” He’d say, “OK.” Then he would proceed to go into a stall and start making little high-pitched straining “ow” noises, that would build into a crescendo of a man full-volume screeching as if he were giving birth to whatever was coming out of him in there.

    If you’re looking for the story, it’s on page 10, and has this drawing of Perry by Iris Legendre on top.

    [Owl Chatter note: Drive-thru ordering may be a genre in comedy. Dave Letterman once drove up to one those things in a convertible with Zsa Zsa Gabor, and asked to see their wine list.]

    We went to a wonderful concert today in Plainfield, with Lianna’s viola teacher playing in the violin section. A 14-year-old cellist tore the roof off the place – an adorable Asian girl — playing Haydn’s cello concerto. But I didn’t get enough sleep during it, so I’m a little tired now. If I’m lucky, I’ll drop off and miss tonight’s Jets game.

    See you tomorrow.

  • Donuts

    From this poem, I learned that the word “flex,” as a noun, can mean a boastful statement or display (informal). That helps. It’s by Jenny Browne and is called “I Am Trying to Love the Whole World.” It’s from The Poetry Foundation today.

    I am trying to love the whole world

    is such a public display of affection, a flex even,

    one the lone magpie staring back from the backside

    of a badly shorn sheep finds suspect. I flap my arms

    & blink three times. Bad luck to glimpse just one.

    Magpie being the only creature rumored to have

    refused the ark, preferring to perch high on the mast

    & curse the rain. I too keep rewinding this mixtape

    of the plague years until I can hear it snap like a tendon

    or a tent pole. The world stays busy out there, hammering

    itself into softer ground with a flat rock & yet, the sound

    of wind softly shaking the stars awake. My world

    I have missed your mouth, your morning

    breath coming round the wild garlic, your fat

    lilacs forgetting to be the flower of death.

    The hatemongers seeking political gain by trampling on innocent transgender kids might take note of the front page story in the NYT today. The Pope has made it clear that trans folks can be baptized, serve as godparents, and be witnesses at church weddings.

    Cloaking hatred under the guise of morality is pretty nimble tap dancing. Yet the story goes on to note: Last spring, the American bishops’ conference issued its own doctrinal document stating that chemical and surgical interventions for the purpose of gender transitions were “not morally justified,” and instructed Catholic hospitals not to perform them.

    That’s worth re-reading: It’s immoral to offer established medical treatment to aid a suffering transgender youth. And yet it is well-established that suicide rates and suicidal tendencies among transgender folks are considerably high compared to the general population. How are you on connect-the-dot exercises? — These bishops have the blood of children on their hands. Perhaps they can take a break from sexually abusing young boys to reverse this policy. Shouldn’t take too long.

    Regarding the Pope, Maxwell Kuzma, a Catholic who runs a farm outside Columbus, Ohio, said the document was “a very good sign of, yes, we want transgender people to be involved in the life of the church.”

    He said he was especially touched by the section that said transgender people could be witnesses at weddings. In 2019, he was asked to be the maid of honor at his younger sister’s wedding, which coincided with his decision to come out and begin transitioning, he said. But the wedding organizers told him they wanted only a female maid of honor and disinvited him from the wedding party.

    Mr. Kuzma said many transgender Catholics hid their identities to participate in their church communities, “and that’s just not a very good way to live.”

    Good job Pope. Stop by for a cold Rheingold the next time you’re in Jersey.

    In the puzzle today, at 35D the clue was “Former attorney general Bill,” and the answer was BARR. Separately, 28A was “Cash in the music business,” and the answer was ROSANNE (as in Rosanne Cash, the singer, and daughter of Johnny). Anyway, Bill Barr triggered this Rex Rant:

    “Are there no non-repugnant BARRs? Speaking of other BARRs, semi-hilarious that ROSANNE / BARR appears in this puzzle and the puzzle’s just pretending like she’s not there (yes, the real Roseanne BARR spells her name with that extra ‘E,’ but still, you can’t put ROSANNE / BARR in a grid and expect me not to think of Roseanne Barr). We need new BARRs! Candy BARR was an American stripper and burlesque dancer! I mean, she shot her second husband, and had a relationship with Jack Ruby (!), but she still seems way more appealing than Bill BARR. Candy BARR is my favorite BARR now (admittedly, it’s a low … bar).”

    [Candy Barr’s real name was Juanita Dale Slusher. A club owner suggested the name Candy Barr because of her fondness for Snickers bars. She had a tough childhood with abuse and prostitution, but gained fame as an exotic dancer. At age 16, she appeared in one of the most famous early underground pornographic films, Smart Alec (1951), which led her to being called “the first porn star” by the media. She went on to cobble together a career in show biz.

    In 1984, Texas Monthly listed Barr alongside other Texans like Lady Bird Johnson as one of history’s “perfect Texans.” In 1988, it was announced that Ryan O’Neal would direct Farrah Fawcett in a biographical film about Barr, but it was never made.

    OK, guys, time to move on.

    At 17A, the clue was “Drives around in circles, perhaps,” and the answer was DOES DONUTS, which was new to me. Where else but in Owl Chatter can you get over ten minutes of donut-doing? I don’t recommend giving it more than a few minutes, though – tops.

    Whew, I’m a little wobbly now. See you tomorrow! Thanks for popping in.

    There once was a teacher named Didi
    Who came home to her squeeze, and said “Sweetie,
    I’m so tired, I’m wobbly.
    So pour me some Chablis
    And don’t be emotionally needy.”