The Wellington Files

  • The New Yorker

    Someone has to say it — the emperor has no clothes! The vaunted New Yorker cartoon is just not funny anymore. And if you’re wondering — what the hell does “vaunted” mean? — it means “praised or boasted about, especially in an excessive way.”

    To prove my point I am going to examine every cartoon in the August 14, 2023 edition — the one that plopped into my mailbox today. I defy you to find laughs in any of them.

    The first one has two tomatoes talking (they have faces). I have nothing against talking fruits and vegetables — in fact, I’m very fond of them. But it’s not enough to have them talking — they have to say something funny. Here’s what’s said in this one: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious day when you’re ripe and not yet mealy?”

    A knee slapper? Are you doubled over and roaring? (Do tomatoes even get mealy? Isn’t that apples?) Let’s move on.

    Next comes a room completely covered with pieces of crockery — cups, plates, pitchers, etc. Off to the side is a kid with a shotgun and he’s holding a small plate. And a woman with a scoldy face says to him: If you throw it in the air and shoot it and break it, you buy it.”

    To me, that’s the exact opposite of funny. Where is the funny? That caption would not be funny even if it were said by a tomato, amirite? Next.

    We move from talking tomatoes to talking rabbits. Two rabbits are in a vegetable garden. One is eating some lettuce. The other says: “It would be better with a protein, but add-ons are so expensive.”

    That cartoon is mining the endlessly hysterical notion that adding things on to a dish in a restaurant adds to the cost. We’ve all been there — We read that the cost of a salad is $11, and are then convulsed in laughter when we detect the note below that says adding chicken to it would cost $4 more. Oy.

    We’re in a doctor’s office next — in the reception area. The woman behind the countery-thing is handing the guy that clipboard they use. Brace yourself for the hilarity — she says: Please fill out these medical forms, which are identical to the ones you filled out earlier online, and have the exact same questions you doctor will ask you later in the exam room.”

    Is it me? Am I just approaching these with a bad ‘tude? To my mind, that last one is the exact opposite of funny.

    [I will tell you , though, as an aside, it was when I was filling out one of those forms — the “do you have this, YES/NO” part — that I learned the name of a condition I was suffering from at the time: “rectal itching.” I had never seen that term before and I loved it. I’m planning to have my tombstone say: “Suffered from rectal itching.” Now, that’s funny.]

    Next.

    Two little kids talking. Their parents are holding strings attached to them like they are puppets. And one kid is saying: “I miss helicopter parenting.”

    Is that funny to you?

    Next, the art world. It’s that famous painting by Seurat, in the park — where it’s all drawn by little dots. (Pointillism) And the woman is saying: “I think I see Camille–no, wait, it’s just a swarm of bees.”

    I will grudgingly concede that this one is the best of the lot, so far. Still far from funny, IMO.

    Wait, stop the presses!! I actually like the next one. I’m only just “getting it” now on my second or third look. It’s a city street scene and the guy is pushing the machine that draws the lines down the center of the street. And you can see that he started off straight, but then slanted his way into a bar, and then came out of the bar drawing curvy-swervy lines. It’s funny that he kept the machine on while he diverted into the bar. It reminds me of the brilliant Booth cartoon where the British soldiers are marching into a raging battle. And they are in perfect formation led by their drummers. But the drummer on the end of the line is no fool – instead of marching towards the gunfire, he marches off to the side, away from the shooting, but he keeps drumming the whole time. (I didn’t do it justice.) Anyway, this street guy is okay in my book.

    Next, a husband/wife cartoon. The woman is in their hot tub in a bathing suit, and she’s surrounded by stacks of dirty pots and pans and dishes. The husband looks at her puzzled and she says: “I’m letting them soak.”

    Sorry — not at all funny.

    Ready for a cat cartoon? The door to the house has been pushed in and torn off of its hinges and the cat is walking away innocently, though it’s clear he pushed it down. The husband says: “That settles it. We’re getting a cat door.”

    Ridiculous, but in an unfunny way.

    Next — one of the seven dwarves is on the shrink’s couch and glowering. He says: “I guess mostly I’m grumpy because I have six goddamn roommates.”

    Argggggh. Horrible. Don’t start me.

    Next — the young man hands the young woman a bouquet of flowers. She smiles and says: “A bouquet that leaves me with the task of trimming the stems, cutting off the leaves, finding a vase, and cleaning up? You shouldn’t have!”

    Here the humor comes from the always hysterical notion that flowers require a bit of care. Puh-leeeeze.

    How about this one? — the scene is “Career Day” in an elementary school. A ten-year old boy raises his hand and says: “When I grow up, I want to be friends with a nurse, a barber, a therapist, and a plumber.”

    Oy — three more to go. These are painful.

    A conference room. One woman has a calendar in front of her and she says: “We scheduled all our vacations so that it will be impossible to hold any meetings next month.”

    Would that be funny to corporate-type people? I can’t imagine why.

    Next — the supermarket. A man is standing in front of a large egg department. The cartons say things on them like: Organic, cage-free, artisanal, ethical, kind, resilient, forgiving, courageous, delightful. The shopper says: “I don’t deserve these eggs.”

    Making fun of some of the adjectives that are applied to eggs. Have you noticed this though? I haven’t. In any event, this one is a little less awful than the others, but still way short of funny.

    And the last one completes our exercise in perfect fashion — lacking even a hint of funny. A young man is seated in the family living room with a laptop on his lap. His parents say: “You did have a college fund, but then we decided to have one picture professionally framed.”

    Okay — so professional framing is expensive. But it’s not funny!

    That concludes our exercise in the opposite of funny. Thanks for letting me vent. We’ll return to the usual nonsense next time.

    Thanks for stopping by.

  • Sailor Moon

    This poem, from today’s Writer’s Almanac is called “Heritage” and is by Louis Jenkins.

    Great-Grandmother Murphy was a proud woman.
    She came from a well-to-do family that had con-
    nections back east. She had presence and bearing.
    Great-Grandpa Murphy was an Irishman of dubi-
    ous ancestry and background. Nevertheless they
    got married, as people do. Grandpa Murphy shuf-
    fled along as they walked downtown, looking at the
    ground or his feet. He found things that way; an
    Indian arrowhead, sometimes a nickel or a dime. A
    dime was worth something in those days. And here
    is a perfectly good comb, just needs to be boiled a bit
    to kill the bugs. Grandmother kept her head high as
    she walked along; she was a Smith, after all, one of
    the Smiths. But she never found anything.

    I made matzoh ball soup recently and gave my grandson Leon (6) a bowl. He liked it but must have misheard me when I told him what it was because when he asked for more he called it monster ball soup. Needless to say, that’s what we all call it now.

    Today’s puzzle was all about monsters and different words for “monster.” A monster on the highway was a SPEED DEMON. A monster with a sweet tooth was a SUGAR FIEND. A monster on the web was an INTERNET TROLL. And the most interesting one was a monster who drains people emotionally: An ENERGY VAMPIRE. That one was new to me. They are also called psychic or emotional vampires. They drain emotional energy from others. In our culture, often unfairly, they often take the form of mothers-in-law.

    In the 1982 horror movie One Dark Night, Karl “Raymar” Raymarseivich is a Russian psychic vampire who gains power from the lifeforce of young victims by frightening them to death. This is done by demonstrations of telekinesis which emanates as visible electrical currents of bioenergy. How he dies is unclear, but his malevolence posthumously remains in his body. Effectively, Raymar is a poltergeist in the mausoleum he is interred in, opening crypts (including his own), sliding out the caskets to the floor and randomly exhuming his fellow corpses to terrify unfortunate teenagers who have chosen the wrong place to have an overnight initiation.

    The 2019 American comedy horror television series What We Do in the Shadows (WWDITS) includes the character Colin Robinson, a metaphorical and literal “energy vampire” who drains people’s life forces by being boring or frustrating. Yup, we know all about those.

    BTW, effusive praise for this show (WWDITS) by the commentariat, and it scores 97% on Rotten Tomatoes.

    The clue at 11D today was “Japanese manga heroine with a feline sidekick named Luna” and the answer was such a pretty name: SAILOR MOON. Others had heard of her — it’s just a Monday puzzle after all — but word of her exploits had not reached me under my rock. Here’s the scoop:

    One day in Juban, Tokyo, a middle-school student named Usagi Tsukino befriends Luna, a talking black cat who gives her a magical brooch enabling her to transform into Sailor Moon: a guardian destined to save Earth from the forces of evil. Luna and Usagi assemble a team of fellow Sailor Guardians to find their princess and the Silver Crystal. They encounter the studious Ami Mizuno, who awakens as Sailor Mercury; Rei Hino, a local Shinto shrine maiden who awakens as Sailor Mars; Makoto Kino, a tall and strong transfer student who awakens as Sailor Jupiter; and Minako Aino, a young aspiring idol who had awakened as Sailor Venus a few months prior, accompanied by her talking feline companion Artemis. They meet up with Sailor Rabinowitz who makes sure they have enough to eat, because if you think you can defeat the forces of evil with just some toast for breakfast you’re meshuggah. Here’s Sailor Moon — look out, evil!!

    At 23A “Flower with thorns” was ROSE. It reminded Joaquin of one of his favorite jokes, which he shared with us at: https://www.dailymotion.com/video/xhs0r2

    It’s rare that the whole family gets together and we remember to try to take a picture and everyone is smiling in it. Usually the effort is marked by screaming, threats, and mayhem.

    Here they all are from two days ago, except for me — I took the picture. Caity’s fivesome is in age order from left to right, except Leon and Rafi are switched. So that’s Izzy, Leon, Rafi, Zoey, and Lianna who will be 14 in October, kinahora, but is already as tall as her Mom. Sam is holding #6: Mo. The back row is Caity’s Danny, Sarah and Sam, our friend Riverdale Joe who speaks Yiddish when appropriate and brought chocolate rugelach, and my beautiful bride, Linda. At the Colony Pool, Chatham, NJ, 2023.

    Let’s get out of here while they’re still smiling (except for Izzy) — see you tomorrow.

  • The Ramones

    Although the Texas anti-abortion law allows an exception when the woman’s health is in danger, it’s not clear how that standard applies. And since the penalties for a doc violating the law include up to 99 years in prison and loss of medical license, not surprisingly, docs have shied away from testing the exception. The following is from a story in the NYT on a case seeking clarification from Texas.

    “During two days of court hearings in July, the lead plaintiff, Amanda Zurawski, described how she went into septic shock and nearly died when her water broke at 18 weeks, after doctors told her they could not abort the fetus because it still had a heartbeat.

    “Another plaintiff, Samantha Casiano, began to cough and gag on the stand as she recalled having to carry and ultimately deliver a fetus that had no skull — and no chance of survival — because doctors could not perform an abortion. The judge called a recess after Ms. Casiano became physically ill.

    “Lawyers for the state described the women as publicity seekers on an ideological crusade.”

    Hmmmmm.

    Judge Jessica Mangum found in favor of the women and broadened and clarified the standards. Texas is appealing the “activist Austin judge’s attempt to override Texas abortion laws.”

    God bless the Lone Star State.

    Can you use some “positive vibrations” after that? In the puzzle today at 74D, [blank] Vibration was RASTAMAN — Bob Marley’s great album. Let’s all enjoy a listen to the title song.

    DYLAN dropped by too, at 35A, clued via his Nobel Prize in Lit, and The DOORS at 87A, although they weren’t really there — the clue was “Options, metaphorically.” (Get it?)

    On Thursday, one of the clues was “Word before stamp or young.” Here’s Dylan with The Band:

    May your hands always be busy
    May your feet always be swift
    May you have a strong foundation
    When the winds of changes shift
    May your heart always be joyful
    May your song always be sung
    And may you stay — forever young

    My favorite clue/answer today was at 77A: The clue was “Why, you little stinkin’ …” and the answer was SON OF A.

    And have you been out to SF and visited Pier 39? As the puzzle states, its residents are SEA LIONS.

    At 78A, Time magazine’s “Actor of the Century” was BRANDO. Don Knotts came in second. He was pretty far behind though.

    Back to rock ‘n’ roll for a moment — here’s the fifth Ramone — Morris Irving Crane Ramone. Son of Sarah Ramone and Sam Ramone. He doesn’t want to be sedated, but he enjoys his afternoon nap.

    Thanks for popping in. See you tomorrow.

  • Messy Giraffes

    This piece by Jeremy Wayne was in this week’s Met Diary.

    On a broiling summer day in July 2008, I was in the underwear section of a deserted men’s department at Macy’s in Herald Square, taking advantage of the store’s air conditioning as I looked for some new underwear.

    A small older woman approached me and asked in a lilting Irish accent if I might help her.

    Of course, I said.

    “I’m looking for a pair of underpants for an older gentleman,” she said, “but I don’t know what style an older gentleman might wear.”

    “Well,” I said, “I might avoid briefs if I were you.” I ushered her away from the displays of the more revealing items and toward some practical alternatives.

    “Perhaps a boxer or an old-fashioned Y-front,” I suggested, “and in not too lurid a color. Or you might even run to a check.”

    She seemed to like that idea and picked out a three-pack of checked boxers. Then she hesitated and explained that she only needed one pair. We searched again and found a single pair.

    She seemed pleased with her choice, and as we said goodbye, she thanked me gently for my help.

    “By the way,” she said, “I forgot to mention that the gentleman in question is deceased.”

    In the puzzle today, I don’t get why “Big screens” is TAX AUDITS. Otherwise, I liked the puzzle despite some bruisers: “One aboard the Tiangong space station” is a TAIKONAUT, which is the name used in the West for a Chinese astronaut. That’s one serious-ass Saturday-level clue.

    At 63A, “Belittling” was DEROGATIVE, like derogatory but with a different suffix. LMS said: I rather like being startled by an unexpected suffix. ‘Cause then I get to sit and ponder different suffixes and how they feel. Derogatistic, derogatant, derogatesque, derogatitious. . .cool beans.

    The clue/answer that provoked the most chatter was 15A: “Adoration of the Kardashians, e.g.” The answer was HAGIOLATRY. It generally means the worshipping of saints, so what’s with the K-dashians? Well, a secondary meaning is “undue veneration of a famous person.”  So there.

    I am so out of it — who are these people? There are six of them? What’s that white thing on the fourth one in?

    We learned from 7D that the MASAI giraffe is the tallest land mammal on earth. LMS again: It’s ridiculous how often I think about the Masai. No, really. I’ll trip and almost fall, then check to make sure no one saw me. Then I wonder if a Masai woman would have the same almost-fall-down insecurity. [I can’t tell if she’s kidding — probably, right? — but either way it’s just the type of perfect nonsense we live for at Owl Chatter.]

    CDilly52 added:

    My niece adored giraffes from a very early age and it was she at the ripe old age of 4 (I remember because she had not started public school kindergarten yet) who taught me about “Messy giraffes.” She read everything she could about them but I was confused. I asked her why they were messy and she said they were too tall to clean their rooms. Later I looked them up and found that they are Masai, but they shall forever be “messy” giraffes to me.

    It’s hard for me to predict almost anything about Rex’s writeup. I’ll work my tuchas off to stagger my way through a puzzle and he’ll rate it easy. Ot he’ll fulminate about things that seem neat little nothings to me. His assessment of today’s puzzle was moderate praise, with some griping. And here’s what an anonymous poster said:

    “Clearly, the constructor is a friend of Rex. Otherwise, this puzzle would be bashed. Looking back Rex’s write-ups at the constructors older puzzles, [what?] Rex holds back criticism.”

    That’s a pretty derogative thing to say, no? — That Rex would fudge a review for a friend. It’s a challenge to his integrity. It’s also a discourtesy, because we are all visiting in Rex’s house when we’re on his blog.

    In an unusual rebuttal of sorts, Rex replied simply to note he never met the constructor.

    And then Weezie weighed in with:

    I really feel like if you’re going to make this type of unkind, groundless claim you should at least have the courage to sign your name to it, aka, as we say in Brooklyn, say it with your full chest. Rex will often go in on the puzzles but rarely goes after the constructors; I wish that folks would afford OFL [Our Fearless Leader] the same courtesy and stay away from this kind of claim. It’s just mean, especially to someone who freely provides all of us a forum to nerd out about crosswords together.

    Well put, Weezie!

    It was a long day with our whole six-pack of grandchildren. I am worn down and worn out. What a beautiful bunch of kids. How blessed are we, kinahora?

    See you tomorrow. Thanks for popping in!

  • Three Babies

    At 8D today, “Charm, to King Charles” was ENAMOUR. The constructor, Brandon Koppy, threw in HRH to let you know you need that British “U” in there. It set LMS off down this path:

    Once when I was teaching in WV, on the first day of school, this student (famous for being really smart, boisterous, and funny) came to me after class wanting to flex a bit. Our conversation went something like this:

    Carter: Ms. Smith, for some reason when I write, I have to add the U to words like “honor” and “color.”
    Me: [Pausing to take his measure… squint my eyes, nod my head, raise one eyebrow] So basically what you’re telling me is that you’re an asshole.
    Carter: [Totally *getting* my point and pleased] Yeah. Yeah, that’s exactly what I am.

    For the rest of the semester, we muttered asshole to each other if one of us used a fancy word. I miss that guy. He showed me how to use the snipping tool, and my life has changed.

    It was a tough puzzle that really made me work. Have you heard of BITTORRENT, a peer-to-peer file sharing protocol? Fuhgedaboutit. Or how about ALAN MOORE: Graphic novelist who created “Watchmen” and “V for Vendetta.” Gimme a break! But I was able to pound them out via the crosses, so all is well.

    All of the following were great:

    “Things that can really make someone pop?” PATERNITY TESTS.

    “Big sister?” MOTHER SUPERIOR

    “Ineffectual sorts” WET NOODLES

    “Junior mint?” PLAY MONEY

    “High point of a trip to California?” EL CAPITAN

    “A little taller than normal, say, as a kiddie” ON TIPPY TOE

    “In shorthand, it’s written with two S’s and two T’s” WEEK

    Great puzzle!

    “Teacher’s directive” was SEE ME. If, like me, you can’t get enough LMS, here she is again:

    “Teacher’s directive” – wanted “shush” first. I have screamy sign directives everywhere in my room, each one resulting from a little dust-up. KEEP OUT from behind my desk. STAY AWAY FROM THIS WINDOW AND GO BACK TO YOUR SEAT (on door window), DO NOT KNOCK ON THIS DOOR AND INTERRUPT MY CLASS (on outside of my door). No one ever pays attention to that one. Someone’s always knocking and wanting things. Ms. Smith, can I have one of those lip balm things? Do you have any snacks? Can I hang out in here with you? Can I borrow a blanket? Do you have a Band-Aid? Can I have just one piece of grandma candy? (those goo-filled strawberry candies). If I have the class engaged and working, a knock on the door breaks the spell, and I just want to cry. 

    Not everyone enjoyed the Paternity Tests answer. Here’s a comment from Anonymous: As a non biological father, what makes a Pop a Pop is definitely not a paternity test. You can go f*ck yourself with that joke.

    Ouch!

    Ray Lewis was a great linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens. He led their defense to a Super Bowl win in the Battle of the Harbaughs in 2013 with John Harbaugh, Coach of the Ravens besting his brother Jim of SF 34-31. [Jim coaches the UMich Wolverines now. Go Blue!] Lewis was elected to the NFL Hall of Fame and inducted in 2018. That’s where our story begins: His induction speech ran for 33 minutes and had the entire NFL fandom screaming for mercy. Unbearable. And his was only the worst of a flood of too-long speeches.

    To the rescue comes Jezra Kaye, a little gray-haired lady who knows zippo about football. She’s a professional writing coach and has been working with the inductees on shortening their speeches. It’s been a success. Peyton Manning’s speech in 2021 lasted only nine minutes. He mentioned Ray Lewis who he said “just finished giving his speech that he started in 2018.” Tom Flores said his speech would be short because he’s “84 frappin’ years” old and has to be in bed by 9 o’clock. Here’s Lewis. Did I mention, he breathes fire? Scary dude.

    Do you recognize this person? She’s been in the news, sadly, lately. I wouldn’t have. It’s Sinead O’Connor, with hair.

    She comes up in Rex’s blog today, quite indirectly. The clue at 15A was “1990 film that Roger Ebert called ‘so implausible that it makes it hard for us to really care about the plight of the kid,’” and the answer was HOME ALONE. Rex remembered that Joe Pesci was in it. Rex rarely goes off on tirades about people he hates, but he did today about Pesci. Here’s the story:

    Remember the famous SNL episode in which Sinead O’Connor tore up a picture of the Pope and threw the pieces on the ground? It was to protest the harm done to her personally by the Church in her youth and all the harm it has done to children the world over. It took place before the Church’s sordid and outrageous history of child abuse came out. She was ahead of her time. Anyway, in response, Pesci, hosting a later episode of SNL, showed the crowd that he picked up the pieces and taped it back together. And he proceeded to go on an obnoxious rant attacking her. Rex shared the link and I started watching it but couldn’t finish — it was repulsive. I posted that I’d never be able to watch My Cousin Vinny again. (Sorry, Marisa.)

    O’Connor, of course, passed away last week. She was only 56. This beautiful and haunting song is called Three Babies and is about three babies she lost to miscarriages. (She had four children who lived.) I’ll let her usher us out tonight. Rest in peace, Sinead.

    See you tomorrow.

  • Sticky Fingers

    Well, I’m not much of a swimmer, so I’m pretty impressed. Last week, Caroline Kennedy, who is 65, kinahora, (and the U.S. ambassador to Australia), along with her son Jack Schlossberg and Owl Chatter photographer Phil, swam a portion of the route her dad the Prez swam in his heroic rescue of his PT boat crew back in WWII. The President’s swim was 3.5 miles; Caroline, Jack, and Phil covered about a third of it. It took them 30 minutes and it was between two tiny palm-fringed islets in the Solomon Islands.

    Phil was a little winded, but managed to get these nice shots for us. Good work, Buddy — you can go dry off now.

    Good-looking kid. Almost as handsome as the Finkelman boys. (Hi Roy and Pam!)

    At 14D today the clue was “Cloyingly sentimental” and the answer was GOOPY. Not a direct hit, it seems to me, but probably “close enough for crosswords,” as the saying goes. This is what LMS said: If I knew GOOPY could mean “schmaltzy,” I’ve forgotten. For me, GOOPY means gooey. But it feels like they’re slightly different. Picture a big old ice cream sundae: Gooey describes it sitting there; Goopy describes it as a big glob drops off the spoon onto your shirt. Like, goopy connotes some kind of movement going on. I’m overthinking this. (By the way, “schmaltz strengths” has 15 consonants and 2 vowels. I’ll wait while you write this down.)

    At 22D, the clue was “Things tube tops lack” and the answer was STRAPS. LMS again: “I kinda hesitated with the thought that a tube top lacks STRAPS, but I get it. I hate seeing women wearing strapless stuff and constantly tugging and re-adjusting everything lest their HOOTERS. . . ahem. If you’re gonna go the strapless route, make it so that you Wear it, wear it. Use some tape or something so that you don’t have to be constantly messing with it; it kills the effect. Follow me for more fashion advice.”

    Note from the Dirty Old Man Dept: LMS, above, was referring to the fact that the answer right after the tube top STRAPS was HOOTERS, but right above that was OWLS, so get your minds out of the gutter everyone! Here are six members of the parliament.

    On Ron DeSantis’s attempts to shirk responsibility for the Florida lesson plan that laundered the horror of slavery, Kareem Abdul Jabbar wrote: “DeSantis was trying to wrap himself in the Cloak of Invisibility but instead slipped on the Hoodie of Absurdity.”

    It’s hard not to careen down the rabbit hole of Trump’s indictments, but you don’t need Owl Chatter on that topic. Once in a while though, something so wonderful jumps off the page and smacks you on the nose and you just can’t let it go by. It’s too delicious. As reported in The Hill, here is a quote by Alina Habba, one of Trump’s lawyers in the classified papers case:

    “If President Trump didn’t want something turned over, I assure you, that is something that could have been done, but he never would act like that. He is the most ethical American I know.”

    If you are wondering whether a person who could say that looks like an Earthling — here she is. Apparently the people on her planet have only one ear. Otherwise, quite humanoid.

    This poem from today’s Writer’s Almanac is by Laura McKee and is called “Exotic Treats.“

    Especially on long drives through the country,
    you like to tell that story about your old girlfriend
    whose parrot was killed one afternoon
    by a raccoon who stole in through the pet door.
    It was horrible, you say. Feathers everywhere.
    Are you laughing? Stop laughing.
    She really loved that bird.

    The clue at 17A today is “Rickety piano, in old music biz slang” and the answer is TIN PAN, as in “tin pan alley.” But the story behind it is new to me (as shared by commenter Mack). Back in the late 19th/early 20th century, in an effort to capitalize on popular music demand, a bunch of songwriters and publishers set up shop in a particular area of New York . These folks would continuously be churning out songs to sell. It got to the point that if you walked down a particular street in the city [West 28th Street, between Fifth and Sixth Aves], you could hear a multitude of pianos plinking away through the windows. These were salesmen, not concert pianists, so they often used rickety old dime-store pianos. Someone remarked that walking down the street sounded like rain falling on a bunch of tin pans, and it earned the nickname “Tin Pan Alley.” A plaque on the sidewalk on 28th Street between Broadway and Sixth commemorates it.

    Lucky Peterson is going to send us off tonight with his version of “Tin Pan Alley.” Watch out for that busted guitar string Lucky!

    See you tomorrow!

  • The Art of Desire

    I had two contributions to make today to the gang at Rex’s blog. The first related to 32D where the clue was “Kind of gas station that’s illegal in New Jersey,” and the answer was SELF SERVE. There was an assumption that both Jersey and Oregon proscribe pumping your own, but Oregon fell by the roadside recently, so it’s just Jersey. Also, at 25A, “Rocket launcher that makes a whimsical buzzing sound?” was KAZOO BAZOOKA, and I had to share this video I found of a kazoo version of “My Heart Will Go On.”

    So this was my post:

    Oregon has fallen. You can pump your own gas there now. Jersey, like the cheese, stands alone.

    I live in Jersey so it’s a real treat for me to be able to pump my own when I’m driving out of state. I love asking my wife “Check the oil, ma’am?”

    In case your life has been lacking a kazoo version of “My Heart Will Go On,” I refer you to the following, for your listening displeasure. I burst out laughing at one point, but that’s me (ymmv). (Ymmv stands for “your mileage may vary.”)

    It’s always nice when a common old XW answer gets a fresh new clue. That’s what happened at 6D today where the answer was I DO. The clue was “Possible response to ‘Who wants ice cream?’” egsforbreakfast said: Next time I get married, I’m going to have the officiant ask, “Egs, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife and do you want ice cream?”

    At 50A, “Activist Abrams” was, of course, STACEY. But did you know that along with her political activity and writing, she also wrote a slew of romance novels under the pen name Selena Montgomery? Neat, eh? Here’s one of hers called The Art of Desire. I’d guess it’s very different from The Art of the Deal. It’s available from Amazon as a mass market paperback for $14.06.

    KAZOO BAZOOKA, see above, was one example of “syllabic palindromes” that were in the puzzle today. There may not be such a thing, but it means the syllables reverse themselves. In kazoo bazooka, “ka-zoo becomes “zoo-ka.” The others were GO FAR IN FARGO, TIC TAC TOE TACTIC, and TORMENTED MENTOR. (In a traditional palindrome, the letters in a word or phrase read the same backwards and forwards. A famous one is Madam, I’m Adam. There’s also: A man, a plan, a canal: Panama.)

    Tina Fey was in the grid today. Hi Tina! Nice to see you again. Here’s part of her prayer for her daughter:

    “First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

    Guide her, protect her–

    When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

    Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance.

    She has two now, and she’s 53 (ouch!).

    Thanks for dropping in – see you tomorrow!

  • Who Let the Owls Out?

    While waiting for my train home today, in Penn Station, I had this exchange with an older man in a t-shirt and jeans. By “older,” I mean about twenty years younger than me. I remember it verbatim because I don’t have too many of these.

    Him: Covid over?

    Me: What?

    Him: Covid over?

    Me: I hope so.

    Him: Seems to be.

    Me: Yes.

    Him: When the President is re-elected it’s going to start again.

    Me: What’s the connection?

    Him: Huh?

    Me: What’s the connection?

    Him: I guess so, yeah.

    Then he walked away, leaving me with a handful of questions, but grateful that he left.

    OK kids, here’s your assignment. Take nine (nine!) different trees and find words or word pairs that contain them backwards. Assemble them all as down answers in a crossword puzzle in such a way that the grid looks like a tree. This is what Kathryn Ladner came up with today, brilliantly, IMO. Can you find the nine? — the letters are circled. And can you see the tree?

    Commenter Smith said he just couldn’t figure out the theme from the circled letters. He said he “spent quite a few post-solve minutes reading the circles forward, backwards, down and even boustrophedon.”

    Wow — have you ever heard that word before? Bocamp did some digging for us:

    Boustrophedon is an ancient style of writing that dates back to the early civilizations of Mesopotamia and Greece. The word itself is of Greek origin and translates to “ox-turning” or “as the ox plows.” This name comes from the pattern of the writing, which resembles the path of an ox plowing a field. In the boustrophedon style, the text is written in alternating directions, right to left and left to right, in successive lines. The lines change direction, much like the back-and-forth motion of an ox plowing a field, hence the name. It was used in early writing systems.

    Here’s a couplet in boustrophedon:

    Roses are red
    .eulb era steloiv

    Who let the oxen out?

    Remember 15A: The BAHA MEN? I didn’t. Their big hit was “Who Let the Dogs Out?” That was back in 2000. I’d have guessed it was longer ago. While the question makes sense in the appropriate context (assigning blame for whoever let the dogs out when they were supposed to stay in), the meaning of the lyrics eludes me. E.g.,

    Well, if I am a dog, the party is on
    I gotta get my groove cause my mind done gone
    Do you see the rays coming from my eye
    Walking through the place
    That Diji man is breakin’ it down?

    It won the 2001 Grammy for Best Dance Recording, and did very well on the charts. The band (The Baha Men) makes for a good crossword answer, but a little hard for Tuesday, it seems to me. I got it from the crosses and by guessing the first “A.” Here they are, chillin’, having forgotten all about those dogs, from the looks of it.

    An ELAND was in the puzzle at 10D: “African antelope that’s the size of a moose.” I was happy to see it because Vermont Lizzie sometimes uses it as a Wordle starter. Hi Liz! Did you know they were moose-sized? Let’s have a look at one — what the hell else do we have to do?

    Yup. Looks pretty damn big. They generally hang out in Southern Africa.

    Exciting news: I picked up a pair of tix for a Buddy Guy concert in Red Bank NJ on Sept 30. Can’t wait.

    I heard Leonard Cohen explain that the “sisters of mercy” were two mini-skirted teeny boppers who had the assignment of picking him up at the airport in Vancouver when he flew in for a concert once. It must have been a very long time ago, since that song is on his first album. I don’t know what my favorite song of his is — so many of them have been important to me over the years, and so many are so beautiful. But I do have a favorite lyric, and it is from Sisters: If your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn, they will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.

    See you tomorrow!

  • Stop! In the Name of Love

    Rex’s friend Rafa covered for him today, and he wrote these nice thoughts:

    “I usually guest blog about late-week puzzles, so writing about a Monday puzzle is a bit new to me. Monday puzzles have a special place in my heart, as they were my gateway drug into the world of crosswords. (The crossworld, as they say…)

    As such, I feel very strongly that Mondays need to be ultra smooth! Every Monday puzzle could be someone’s first puzzle ever, and if they see things like ARETE or SSTS or ASTA or OSES, etc., etc., they might think puzzles aren’t for them. But puzzles are for everyone! So the Monday puzzle has a huge responsibility to be fun and accessible and smooth.”

    I liked the thought of imagining each puzzle’s being someone’s first. It reminded me of the following, which I posted: “That’s a nice notion — to think of every Monday as someone’s first puzzle. Joe DiMaggio said something like he played every game as if there were some kid in the stands who never saw him play before.”

    It prompted this nice response from whatsername: “Loved your baseball story, a very apropos analogy to the concept of a first-time crossword solver and a good theory to apply to most any job. When Covid was raging I went to a Walgreens drive-thru for a swab test. The employee at the window reeled off the instructions so rapidly that I had to ask her to repeat some of it. I could see she was a bit annoyed so when I thanked her, I explained that while it may have been the umpteenth time she spoke those words, it was my first time ever hearing them.”

    We had a very distinguished guest in the grid today — Justice SONIA SOTOMAYOR! Welcome Sonny! Take a load off — I think I have some chips or something around here. I can’t believe we’re coming up on your 14th anniversary with The Supremes next week. Jeez Louise! Here are those chips. The bag’s been open a while — hope they’re okay — how about a beer? You’re a Bronx girl, right? You gotta like beer! Ever knock a few down with Kavanaugh? Ha!

    Back when she was in law school at Yale, Sotomayor had an interesting “run-in.” The DC law firm of Shaw, Pittman, et al suggested during a recruiting dinner that she was only at Yale via affirmative action. She refused to be interviewed by them further and filed a complaint with a faculty–student tribunal, which ruled in her favor. Her action triggered a campus-wide debate, and news of the firm’s subsequent apology made The Washington Post.

    Hailing from the Bronx, it’s no surprise that she’s a Yankee fan.

    My favorite clue/answer today was at 5D: “Comically packed circus vehicle,” CLOWN CAR. The caption for this photo read: “Twenty-nine clowns test positive for Covid after riding in same tiny car.” D’oh!

    Let’s close with the other Supremes tonight. I never appreciated how painful this song is. See you tomorrow!

  • The Vulnerable Hollow

    Here’s a story for those of you who went to rock concerts back in the 60’s and 70’s.

    So this anthropologist scored a real coup and got invited to visit and study a tribe in deep Africa that has had no contact with modern civilization ever. She somehow connected with one member of the tribe who was briefly away from the tribal homeland, learned a bit of English, and got permission from the elders for her to visit.

    So she made the 9-hour flight to the nearest airport, took a rickety bus to the nearest village, and hiked 15 hours through difficult terrain to reach the tribal land. Her contact met her and showed her to a tent which was to be her home for the two-week stay. And he showed her around, including where she would have her meals with tribespeople as a respected guest. She thanked him heartily. He said she should call him Enyi, which means “friend” in the Igbo language.

    As she was getting her bearings she noticed a persistent drumbeat. The next time she was with Enyi she asked him about it, but he just froze and said “Drums good. Drums no stop.” She said, “Is it religious in some way? or cultural?” But he cut her off and just insisted “Drums good” and walked away.

    She had trouble sleeping that night since the drumbeats weighed on her mind, but she knew she couldn’t raise the issue again, and she quickly grew used to them. They became a pleasing background, day and night.

    Her visit was extraordinary: an anthropologist’s dream. The people were wonderful — the children adored her and the women were fascinated with everything modern about her. She brought cosmetics and hair-care items and toys to distribute as gifts. The men were respectful and kind. She brought small tools and sports items for them. The days flew by.

    On her last night there, as she was packing up her things for the trip back to civilization, she suddenly felt something fundamental had changed. It took her a few seconds to realize what it was: the drumming stopped. It had become such a comforting presence, its stopping unnerved her. She went to Enyi’s tent to find out what it meant, if they were in some sort of danger.

    When she entered, she saw him sitting on the floor with a look of dread or terror on his face. She had never seen him like that, even when they faced various minor dangers together. She approached him carefully and said: “Enyi. The drumming stopped. What does it mean? What is the danger? What happens now?”

    In a voice tinged with agony he said: “Guitar solo.”

    And speaking of guitarists, Buddy Guy was born on this date in Lettsworth, LA, back in 1936. He made his first guitar himself when he was 13 out of a two-stringed diddley bow, an instrument consisting of baling wire tensioned between two nails on a board over a glass bottle, which is used both as a bridge and to magnify the sound.

    He learned to play by listening to John Lee Hooker records and other blues artists. His parents were sharecroppers and when he was young he picked cotton for $2.50 per hundred pounds.

    Guy moved to Chicago when he was 21 and Muddy Waters took him under his wing. In the 70’s his career waned, until guitarists like Clapton, Keith Richards, Beck, and Hendrix said they owed their inspiration to Guy and other blues musicians. A resurgence followed. Clapton once called him “the best guitar player alive.” He’s 87 now and still touring. Holy Sh*t! — I can see him in Morristown in October. Here he is in Newport 30 years ago. According to him, he had the blues, — damn right — from his head down to his shoes.

    This poem by Ellen Bass was in The Writer’s Almanac today. Those of you who have daughters (or sons) may relate to it, whether they are married or not. It’s called “After Our Daughter’s Wedding.”

    While the remnants of cake
    and half-empty champagne glasses
    lay on the lawn like sunbathers lingering
    in the slanting light, we left the house guests
    and drove to Antonelli’s pond.
    On a log by the bank I sat in my flowered dress and cried.
    A lone fisherman drifted by, casting his ribbon of light.
    “Do you feel like you’ve given her away?” you asked.
    But no, it was that she made it
    to here, that she didn’t
    drown in a well or die
    of pneumonia or take the pills.
    She wasn’t crushed
    under the mammoth wheels of a semi
    on highway 17, wasn’t found
    lying in the alley
    that night after rehearsal
    when I got the time wrong.
    It’s animal. The egg
    not eaten by a weasel. Turtles
    crossing the beach, exposed
    in the moonlight. And we
    have so few to start with.
    And that long gestation—
    like carrying your soul out in front of you.
    All those years of feeding
    and watching. The vulnerable hollow
    at the back of the neck. Never knowing
    what could pick them off—a seagull
    swooping down for a clam.
    Our most basic imperative:
    for them to survive.
    And there’s never been a moment
    we could count on it.

    Do you like spoonerisms? That’s what today’s puzzle was about, by the wonderfully named John Kugelman. My favorite was 94A. The clue was “Enjoy your stay on our horse farm. Hope it’s not too noisy. You can expect …” And the answer was THREE MARE SQUEALS A DAY. Ha!

    The most controversial was at 38A. The clue was: “I know they’ve had them on all day, but let the kids eat their candy. After all, a Ring Pop is a …” WEARABLE THING TO TASTE. Get it? It’s a play on [A mind is a] “terrible thing to waste.” But the issue is do “wearable” and “terrible” rhyme? If they don’t, it’s an imperfection and heads must roll. The comments came down all over the place on the issue. To my ear, they do not rhyme. It’s wearable as in warehouse, and terrible as in terrier. But in many regions of the country, apparently, they do.

    Oddly, a comment from a Northeasterner said they were a perfect rhyme to his or her ears and noted that Merriam Webster has them identical in pronunciation. Hrrrrumph.

    Another cute one had Hugh Hefner being called MISTER BUNNY MAGS.

    Commenter Nancy, who also constructs puzzles, had her own puzzle using spoonerisms a few years ago. She noted: “Loved it. When comparing this to my Sunday Spoonerism puzzle of 3/15/20, it shows that there’s more than one way to kin a scat.”

    Two three-letter answers were clued as the “counterpart” of each other and started with TI. I quickly put in TIC and TAC, as did many others. But the puzzle gods wanted TIT and TAT (as in “tit for tat”). The commentariat was on fire with complaints. Many thought tic and tac should have been considered correct too. Others thought the key was the word “counterpart” in the clues. Tit and tat are counterparts — one is exchanged “for” the other. And tic and tac have no such relationship, they argue. I’m in that camp and am accepting my DNF (did not finish).

    ANA de Armas was in the puzzle today and was interestingly clued, which caused me to do some research. The clue was (at 46A): “De Armas who name-checked the New York Times crossword on ‘S.N.L.’” It turns out she hosted SNL. She told a neat story — her first movie role was in a film with Robert de Niro, called Hands of Stone. And de Niro was very supportive and welcoming and friendly. When he learned that Ana is from Cuba, he asked her about her family and he said he was going to be down there in a while and he’d be sure to visit them. She forgot all about it. Well, a few months later she got a call from her dad who was sky high and he told her Robert de Niro just dropped by where he worked to say hello.

    Anyway, re the clue, above, she also mentioned in the monologue that she knew she “made it” when she learned she was in the NYT crossword. You got that right, babe! And Owl Chatter!

    Hey, Bob — you talkin’ to me? Are you talkin’ to me?

    So, get this — on this date in 1975, Jimmy Hoffa vanished. He told friends he was going to meet with two “associates” at the Red Fox restaurant in Bloomfield Township, MI. When he didn’t return, his wife called the police, who found his car in the parking lot. That’s close to where my son Sam, and his wife Sarah and my grandson Mo live. Keep your eyes out for JH, guys. Could be anywhere.

    Today’s “tiny love story” in the NYT Style section, “God’s Wife,” is by Caren Albers.

    We called Dad “The Answerman.” He seemed to know the answer to every question. Mom accused him of thinking he knew more than God, which was funny since my father was agnostic. “I guess that makes me God’s wife,” she would say. She even went so far as to get a vanity license plate “GDSWF” (“God’s wife”). When she got it, she hadn’t considered any alternative meanings for “GDSWF,” like “Gay, Dominant, Single, White, Female.” When the honks and waves started coming, Mom laughed and waved back, celebrating the diversity of humankind, just as God’s wife would.

    That guitar solo from the joke should be over by now — try to get some sleep. See you tomorrow.