Someone has to say it — the emperor has no clothes! The vaunted New Yorker cartoon is just not funny anymore. And if you’re wondering — what the hell does “vaunted” mean? — it means “praised or boasted about, especially in an excessive way.”

To prove my point I am going to examine every cartoon in the August 14, 2023 edition — the one that plopped into my mailbox today. I defy you to find laughs in any of them.

The first one has two tomatoes talking (they have faces). I have nothing against talking fruits and vegetables — in fact, I’m very fond of them. But it’s not enough to have them talking — they have to say something funny. Here’s what’s said in this one: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious day when you’re ripe and not yet mealy?”

A knee slapper? Are you doubled over and roaring? (Do tomatoes even get mealy? Isn’t that apples?) Let’s move on.

Next comes a room completely covered with pieces of crockery — cups, plates, pitchers, etc. Off to the side is a kid with a shotgun and he’s holding a small plate. And a woman with a scoldy face says to him: If you throw it in the air and shoot it and break it, you buy it.”

To me, that’s the exact opposite of funny. Where is the funny? That caption would not be funny even if it were said by a tomato, amirite? Next.

We move from talking tomatoes to talking rabbits. Two rabbits are in a vegetable garden. One is eating some lettuce. The other says: “It would be better with a protein, but add-ons are so expensive.”

That cartoon is mining the endlessly hysterical notion that adding things on to a dish in a restaurant adds to the cost. We’ve all been there — We read that the cost of a salad is $11, and are then convulsed in laughter when we detect the note below that says adding chicken to it would cost $4 more. Oy.

We’re in a doctor’s office next — in the reception area. The woman behind the countery-thing is handing the guy that clipboard they use. Brace yourself for the hilarity — she says: Please fill out these medical forms, which are identical to the ones you filled out earlier online, and have the exact same questions you doctor will ask you later in the exam room.”

Is it me? Am I just approaching these with a bad ‘tude? To my mind, that last one is the exact opposite of funny.

[I will tell you , though, as an aside, it was when I was filling out one of those forms — the “do you have this, YES/NO” part — that I learned the name of a condition I was suffering from at the time: “rectal itching.” I had never seen that term before and I loved it. I’m planning to have my tombstone say: “Suffered from rectal itching.” Now, that’s funny.]

Next.

Two little kids talking. Their parents are holding strings attached to them like they are puppets. And one kid is saying: “I miss helicopter parenting.”

Is that funny to you?

Next, the art world. It’s that famous painting by Seurat, in the park — where it’s all drawn by little dots. (Pointillism) And the woman is saying: “I think I see Camille–no, wait, it’s just a swarm of bees.”

I will grudgingly concede that this one is the best of the lot, so far. Still far from funny, IMO.

Wait, stop the presses!! I actually like the next one. I’m only just “getting it” now on my second or third look. It’s a city street scene and the guy is pushing the machine that draws the lines down the center of the street. And you can see that he started off straight, but then slanted his way into a bar, and then came out of the bar drawing curvy-swervy lines. It’s funny that he kept the machine on while he diverted into the bar. It reminds me of the brilliant Booth cartoon where the British soldiers are marching into a raging battle. And they are in perfect formation led by their drummers. But the drummer on the end of the line is no fool – instead of marching towards the gunfire, he marches off to the side, away from the shooting, but he keeps drumming the whole time. (I didn’t do it justice.) Anyway, this street guy is okay in my book.

Next, a husband/wife cartoon. The woman is in their hot tub in a bathing suit, and she’s surrounded by stacks of dirty pots and pans and dishes. The husband looks at her puzzled and she says: “I’m letting them soak.”

Sorry — not at all funny.

Ready for a cat cartoon? The door to the house has been pushed in and torn off of its hinges and the cat is walking away innocently, though it’s clear he pushed it down. The husband says: “That settles it. We’re getting a cat door.”

Ridiculous, but in an unfunny way.

Next — one of the seven dwarves is on the shrink’s couch and glowering. He says: “I guess mostly I’m grumpy because I have six goddamn roommates.”

Argggggh. Horrible. Don’t start me.

Next — the young man hands the young woman a bouquet of flowers. She smiles and says: “A bouquet that leaves me with the task of trimming the stems, cutting off the leaves, finding a vase, and cleaning up? You shouldn’t have!”

Here the humor comes from the always hysterical notion that flowers require a bit of care. Puh-leeeeze.

How about this one? — the scene is “Career Day” in an elementary school. A ten-year old boy raises his hand and says: “When I grow up, I want to be friends with a nurse, a barber, a therapist, and a plumber.”

Oy — three more to go. These are painful.

A conference room. One woman has a calendar in front of her and she says: “We scheduled all our vacations so that it will be impossible to hold any meetings next month.”

Would that be funny to corporate-type people? I can’t imagine why.

Next — the supermarket. A man is standing in front of a large egg department. The cartons say things on them like: Organic, cage-free, artisanal, ethical, kind, resilient, forgiving, courageous, delightful. The shopper says: “I don’t deserve these eggs.”

Making fun of some of the adjectives that are applied to eggs. Have you noticed this though? I haven’t. In any event, this one is a little less awful than the others, but still way short of funny.

And the last one completes our exercise in perfect fashion — lacking even a hint of funny. A young man is seated in the family living room with a laptop on his lap. His parents say: “You did have a college fund, but then we decided to have one picture professionally framed.”

Okay — so professional framing is expensive. But it’s not funny!

That concludes our exercise in the opposite of funny. Thanks for letting me vent. We’ll return to the usual nonsense next time.

Thanks for stopping by.