Stories You Won’t Hear About in the Press (Because They Are Not True) Dept. In a report exclusive to Owl Chatter, our investigative journalists revealed that a higher percentage of ICE and Border Patrol agents have criminal records than do their detainees. Part of this is due to the high number of children among the detainees, but even accounting for childhood the margin is substantial. When confronted with the data, AG Pam Bondi responded: You idiots are making this up just so you can drool over another sexy photo of me or Leavitt. Ouch! Touché Bondi.

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The NYT XW today by Kareem Ayas was over-the-top brilliant, and perfect for Valentine’s Day week. There were two theme “instructors” that crossed each other: STEAL A KISS, going down, and GIVE A HUG crossing it. (They were clued with “Quickly smooch,” and “Give comfort, in a way.”) Then, you know how XOXOXO works to represent hugs and kisses, right? Well, the X is a kiss and the O is a hug. So in the four down theme answers you need to “steal a kiss” by removing an X. E.g., the clue at 5D was “Behind in payment.” And the answer was LATEX. It only makes sense once you “steal” the X out of it, so you’re left with LATE. And with the across theme answers you had to “give a hug,” i.e., add a O for it to make sense. E.g., at 1A the clue was “Succeed” and the answer was DWELL. It makes no sense unless you add an O to make it DO WELL.

Also, impressively, all 8 themers were real words pre- and post-adjustment. Here are the six others, besides the two discussed above:

EXTERNALLY, ETERNALLY

MAXIM, MAIM

AXMEN, AMEN

CLAMSUP, CLAM SOUP

SHUTOUTS, SHOUTOUTS

FLAMING, FLAMINGO

As I was solving the puzzle, I had no idea of what was going on and so had a whole mess of problem areas in my grid. Then, what’s called “the aha moment” came, and it was quite exciting to work it all through. (BTW, that’s a pretty good example of what passes for excitement at my age.)

For AXMEN, which is slang for guitar players, Rex shared this (hi, Chris!). Watch it take off at the 3:30 mark.

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How did I miss this from yesterday? At 53D, ELLE was the answer, clued boringly with “Actress Fanning.” I think it’s her first visit to Owl Chatter. Thank God George has the fridge stocked. Sit your fanny down, Fanning. You ever hear that before? Be honest.

Dakota is her older sister. She’s a real southern belle, or elle, I guess, born in Conyers GA. Elle is her middle name; Mary’s her first.

Elle’s dad was a minor-league ballplayer in the Cardinals system and her grandfather was Rick Arrington, QB for the Eagles for three seasons. For the history buffs among you, one of her ancestors is King Edward III, from way back in the 1300’s.

She killed it in last year’s film Sentimental Values for which she is up for an Oscar as Supporting Actress. She’s 27 and is almost as pretty as my Zoey. Could you plotz?

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Here’s a treat for us! Today’s poem in the Writer’s Almanac is by Ted Kooser. It’s called “The Red Wing Church,” and it’s from his collection Sure Signs: New and Selected Poems.

There’s a tractor in the doorway of a church
in Red Wing, Nebraska, in a coat of mud
and straw that drags the floor. A broken plow
sprawls beggarlike behind it on some planks
that make a sort of roadway up the steps.
The steeple’s gone. A black tar-paper scar
that lightning might have made replaces it.
They’ve taken it down to change the house of God
to Homer Johnson’s barn, but it’s still a church,
with clumps of tiger lilies in the grass
and one of those boxlike, glassed-in signs
that give the sermon’s topic (reading now
a bird’s nest and a little broken glass).
The good works of the Lord are all around:
the steeple top is standing in a garden
just up the alley; it’s a hen house now:
fat leghorns gossip at its crowded door.
Pews stretch on porches up and down the street,
the stained-glass windows style the mayor’s house,
and the bell’s atop the firehouse in the square.
The cross is only God knows where.

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At 46D today, “Hollywood’s Anderson or Bach” was PAMELA. She’s also in this John Prine tune, with apologies for its political incorrectness.

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We’ll close tonight with two late-breaking stories from The Onion:

Keys, Spare Change Fly Out Of Luge Athlete’s Pocket On First Turn

Mom Strong Arms Cashier Into Accepting Expired Coupon

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See you tomorrow Chatterheads!