The Wellington Files

  • Yentl Floss

    YENTL was in the puzzle today, Barbra Streisand’s role. I never saw that movie. Streisand is 81 years old now and has been married to James Brolin for 25 years. She has one child from her previous marriage to Elliot Gould: Jason Gould, who is 56 and an actor/singer. He came out as gay to his parents when he was 21, and was outed by tabloids when he was 25. A few years later, Streisand said this of him in an interview in The Advocate, an LGBT publication:

    “I would never wish for my son to be anything but what he is. He is bright, kind, sensitive, caring, and a very conscientious and good person. He is a very gifted actor and filmmaker. What more could a parent ask for in their child? I have been truly blessed. Most parents feel that their child is particularly special, and I am no different. I have a wonderful son. My only wish for my son, Jason, is that he continues to experience a rich life of love, happiness, joy, and fulfillment, both creatively and personally.”

    Thanks Mom!

    Here’s Jason. Phil caught up with him before he had a chance to shave. (Phil! WTF!) And you know his mom, below.

    Here’s something you have to see to believe. The clue at 30A was “Part of a sawfish that’s shaped like a chain saw,” and the answer was NOSE. First of all, kudos to constructors Simon Marotte and Trenton Lee Stewart for coming up with a neat clue for a pedestrian word. And check out the schnozz on this fellow. Amazing.

    They are also known as carpenter sharks and can be as big as 25-feet long. They are endangered and are found mostly now in Northern Australia and Florida.

    I remembered to try to solve the puzzle today using only the down clues and I got through most of it and enjoyed it. It’s a different solving experience. If you find the Monday puzzles too easy, give it a try.

    If, like me, you are having trouble getting Hernando’s Hideaway out of your head since I made Fernando’s Hideaway the title of yesterday’s post, it might help actually to hear the song. Phil doesn’t usually shoot videos, but he was kind enough to film Linda and me dancing to it.

    So, get this — as I was leaving my train today in the city, I noticed a wallety-clippy sort of thing under one of the seats so I picked it up. It was some sort of credit card/cash holder and had about 15 cards in it plus a wad of cash! At first I thought I would seek out the person’s info and call him or her or mail it, but then I remembered there is a lost-and-found at Penn Station right near the escalator I take to get out. I could just drop it off there. So I went up to the woman and plopped it down in front of her and said, “I found this on the train from Dover.” And she gave me the biggest smile for a good deed and thanked me very sweetly.

    Wait, what? Are you actually wondering if I stooped so low as to grab a twenty or two as a “reward?” I’m hurt that the thought even crossed your mind. Seriously.

    But if you can make it to the Owl Chatter Cafe later, the drinks are on me!

    Good night Chatter fans. I’m still a little under the weather from a cold. Gotta get some sleep. See you tomorrow.

  • Fernando’s Hideaway

    Hi everybody. It’s Welly and Wilma, the owls behind Owl Chatter. We don’t often appear here in person (in owl?), but we have a message on a topic that’s important to us.

    The movement for racial justice that was spawned by the George Floyd murder in May of 2020 reached into the Audubon Society. Chief Executive David Yarnold called for a long conversation on how the Society could become antiracist. But in the past three years, that conversation has degenerated into shouting. Complaints about workplace conditions and the treatment of minorities have arisen, as well as whether John James Audubon should be removed from the Society’s name. Yarnold has since quit along with several board members. Local chapters and donors are pulling away. As birds, we are heartsick over these developments.

    There is no question that Audubon contributed more to ornithological study than any other American ever, through his paintings and cataloging. But he was also a slave owner and a very active anti-abolitionist who argued strongly against emancipation. He was not a mensch. We know Washington and Jefferson owned slaves too, but they didn’t actively promote slavery as an institution.

    Local chapters in Seattle, NYC, and Chicago dropped Audubon from their name and the national board took up the question. But older, white donors, were miffed. One said:

    “If there was even the remotest thought of changing the name of National Audubon because John James Audubon, in a different time, in a different world and a different century owned, whatever it was, six slaves, I would resign from the Audubon. There’d be no further gifts from me for the Audubon.” [He owned nine.] Sadly, and gutlessly, the Board caved and voted against the name change. Looks to us like they elevated money over principles.

    The Society canceled its annual fund-raising gala, fearing protests, and the publishers of its field guides have weighed in with complaints, with Knopf saying they would remove the name Audubon from the guides it publishes.

    The Society has pledged to raise $25 million to support “marginalized communities,” and says “the vast number of donors and staff continue to stay with us — our name is just part of our identity.”

    We say “Hrummmmmph!”

    C’mon humans — get your act together — this shouldn’t have been a tough one. What the hell is wrong with you?

    Fernando Valenzuela, the Mexican pitcher who spent most of his career with the Dodgers, is the only player in MLB history to win the Cy Young Award and Rookie of the Year in the same year (1981). The Dodgers won the World Series that year too. Valenzuela pitched a complete game shutout on Opening Day and went on to win his first eight starts. “FernandoMania” had begun. The Mexican-American community exploded with love. He was the youngest of twelve children born to parents who were poor farmers in Etchohuaquila, a small town in the state of Sonora, Mexico. He’s 62 now.

    Valenzuela threw 107 complete games for LA in 320 starts, but so much pitching may have led to his early decline. The Dodgers released him when he was only 30. His lifetime record is 173-153, with an ERA of 3.48, and 2,074 strikeouts. Carl Hubbell famously struck out five consecutive batters in the 1934 All-Star game. Valenzuela tied that record in the 1986 All-Star game, whiffing Don Mattingly, Cal Ripken, Jesse Barfield, Lou Whitaker, and Ted Higuera. Both Hubbell and Fernando were known for their screwballs. Hubbell’s five victims were a little more impressive — all future Hall-of-Famers: Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Jimmie Foxx, Al Simmons, and Joe Cronin.

    We mention Fernando in Owl Chatter today because the Dodgers officially retired his number (34) this week. Kudos ‘Nando! Junior Gilliam and he are the only Dodgers not in the Hall of Fame to earn that honor. Here’s a shot of the autographed card of his in my collection.

    Today’s puzzle was all about pasta! Yum. The fun included: “Kitchen disaster with rotini?” — SPIRALS OUT OF CONTROL. “Self-serve spots at pasta bars?” — SHELL STATIONS. “Olive oil for a macaroni salad?” — ELBOW GREASE. “Aftermath of a farfalle dinner?” — BUTTERFLIES IN YOUR STOMACH.

    egsforbreakfast posted this wonderful adaptation of a Santayana quote:  “Those who forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.” [Wow.]

    Apart from all the pasta dishes, an interesting clue/answer for me was at 6D: “Style of alternative rock with psychedelic influences.” The answer was SHOEGAZE. Have you heard of it?

    According to Rex and Wikipedia, SHOEGAZE belongs largely to a bygone era (late ’80s / early ’90s). Originally called shoegazing and sometimes conflated with “dream pop,” it’s a subgenre of indie and alternative rock characterized by its ethereal mixture of obscured vocals, guitar distortion and effects, feedback, and overwhelming volume. It emerged in Ireland and the UK in the late 1980s among neo-psychedelic groups who usually stood motionless during live performances in a detached, non-confrontational state. The name comes from the heavy use of effects pedals, as the performers were often looking down at their pedals during concerts. My Bloody Valentine is probably the biggest name in shoegaze. Here’s a selection:

    The clue at 7A was “Remove, as a cap,” and the answer was DOFF. Someone pointed out that putting a cap on is DON and noted the OFF/ON feature. In fact, doff comes from a contraction of “do off” and don from “do on.” Admit it readers — you are so much smarter since you started reading our Owl Chatter nonsense. A little? At all? Alright, never mind. Grumble, grumble.

    This story is from today’s Met Diary. It’s by Ali Pearlman and is called “Laundry Time.”

    Years ago, I lived in the East Village, in a walk-up on Sixth Street with an air shaft window above the Bangladeshi restaurants that lined the block.

    To do my laundry, I had to schlep to Launderette on Second Avenue. Under the harsh fluorescent lights there, I would see the same man every week, washing his restaurant’s heap of blue cloth napkins.

    The man had a patch of thinning hair. He was usually in an undershirt and chewing on a betel pepper. He would give me a red-toothed smile, and I would respond with a head-nod hello. He always looked tired.

    Seasons changed. The cost of time on the dryer went up 25 cents. It seemed like new owners had taken over. There was art on the walls.

    Then one day, the man with the napkins spoke to me.

    “My restaurant is closing,” he said, a bulging laundry sack at his feet.

    “I’m sorry to hear that,” I replied.

    He reached into the sack and dug out a bottle of wine.

    “For you,” he said, handing it to me. “My special laundry friend.”

    I just signed up to embarrass myself at this year’s Lollapuzzoola, a crossword tournament in NYC this Saturday. It’ll be my second in-person tournament. I finished in the bottom third in the first one, but loved it. I may have been the oldest person there. There are two levels: Express (for Superstars), and Local (for Earthlings). I asked them what level I should choose, noting that I pretty much can always finish the NYT Saturday puzzle. They suggested “Earthling” unless I normally finish it in around ten minutes. Ouch! — it usually takes me 25-30 min. Glad I asked! I’ll let you know how it goes.

    Your waitress tonight in the Owl Chatter Cafe is SARA. If you did today’s puzzle, you saw her at 97A, clued with “Singer Bareilles.” She sings stuff between shifts.

    That’s a pretty note to end on tonight. See you tomorrow!

  • Nock Nock Jokes are Perfectly Cromulent

    It was a good, tough puzzle today, as it should be on Saturday. It defeated me at two points, but so what? How tough? The first two words in the NE were CROMULENT and OUROBOROS. Ouch — amirite? I’ll get back to them later.

    One of the words that did me in was NOCKED. The clue was “Ready to fly, as an arrow.” A nock is the notch at the back of an arrow that lets you fit it against the bowstring (see below). It’s also the verb meaning to fit the arrow against the string. It led me to post the following on Rex’s site:

    I’m not knocking NOCKED (8D), I just never heard of it and it knocked me for a loop, especially since it crossed that serpentine thing that was also foreign to me (OUROBOROS).

    NOCK NOCK

    Who’s there?

    No, not that kind of knock!

    OK, go away then.

    My g’son Leon, who is six, works knock knock jokes like this:

    Leon: Knock knock

    Me: Who’s there?

    Leon: Who’s there?

    Me: Hey, that’s my line! but we’re already roaring by then.

    Regarding NOCK’s connocktion to bows and arrows:

    Knock knock

    Who’s there?

    Archery

    Archery who?

    Archery tree produced a ton of cherries this year.

    (Needs work.)

    Are you familiar with CROMULENT and its origin story? The writers on The Simpsons were challenged to make up two new words. So they had an episode that started off with a film about the founder of the town, Jedidiah Springfield. At the end he says: “A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.” In the back of the room one teacher says to another that she hadn’t heard the word “embiggens” before moving to Springfield, and the other says “It’s a perfectly cromulent word.” And cromulent has entered the lexicon.

    Rex noted that cromulent “is as familiar to me as the air I breathe (the first decade of ‘The Simpsons’ being as close to a Holy Book as I have).” Amen to that, RP. I could happily live my life restricted to lines from The Simpsons and The Honeymooners.

    BTW, Springfield was chosen as the town for the Simpsons because there are so many of them. Matt Groening wanted everyone to think it was “their” Springfield. But he eventually admitted the “real” Springfield is the one in Oregon. And “giveaways” are the fact that many of the characters, e.g., Flanders, are named after streets in Portland OR.

    Our Phil was able to reproduce this iconic family pose, careful to include the little mouse-hole but unable to get all of Marge’s hair into the shot — he’s the best, but he’s not a miracle-worker. Good work getting the cat to sit still, Philly!

    The clue for OUROBOROS was “Serpentine symbol of rebirth, from the Greek for ‘tail-devouring.’” Here’s where I often post a photo, but I don’t like snakes and it’s too creepy.

    The second word I missed was COPYPASTA. I know, seriously, right? WTF? The clue was “Block of text duplicated and reposted online, in internet slang,” and that’s exactly what it means. It’s a block of text you highlight and copy, but instead of pasting into a document, you paste it online and it spreads. A related term is “creepy pasta” which is a scary story spread around the internet. (I’m not kidding.)

    A surreal example of copypasta (from Wikipedia) is “A drive into deep left field by Castellanos,” a phrase spoken by Thom Brennaman, a play-by-play announcer for the Cincinnati Reds, during a baseball game against Kansas City on August 19, 2020. Brennaman was replaced in the middle of the broadcast for a microphone gaffe in which he described an unnamed location as “one of the fag capitals of the world.” [Yikes!] While he apologized to listeners on the air, Reds outfielder Nick Castellanos hit a home run, which caused Brennaman to interrupt himself to deliver a home run call, describing the hit as a “drive into deep left field” before continuing with his apology. The surreal nature of the apology gave it notoriety in baseball internet culture, and has led to the phrase’s use as a copypasta.

    The actual quote was:  “I pride myself and think of myself as a man of faith, as there’s a drive into deep left field by Castellanos, it will be a home run. And so that’ll make it a 4-0 ballgame.” He’s on the Phils now, Castellanos, and he’s a dangerous hitter.

    If Seinfeld had (or was) the “show about nothing,” the Japanese have applied that concept to candy. One of Japan’s major candy companies, Kanro, produced a flavorless candy with no taste. On purpose. Its name was Flavorless (?) Candy. The “?” was part of the name. It was developed for people who wanted to moisten mouths that had gone dry from all-day mask wearing but without a sugar rush. But it remained popular even when mask-wearing declined. It was a conversation topic and was described as a marble in your mouth that slowly melts and disappears.

    It has moved the Japanese to Zenlike reflection on what the “taste of nothingness” is like, if anything. One likened it to “ice that is not cold.”

    “I asked myself: Why do you pay for this product?” said Ms. Kinoshita, who runs a vegetable pancake restaurant in Hiroshima. “The answer is maybe to put myself into a state of ‘nothingness.’”

    Candies generally have a short life in Japan and the tasteless candy is no longer on the market. As reported in the NYT, at a convenience store in Tokyo the other day, there were lots of candy flavors to choose from, including apple, mixed fruit, peach and soda. But there was one overarching similarity: They all tasted like something.

    Is Owl Chatter the blog about nothing? — Nonsense! See you tomorrow.

  • Falling

    Could you use a love poem today? Who couldn’t? This one is by Jane Attanucci and is from The Writer’s Almanac. It’s called “Falling.”

    I’ve fallen many times:
    the usual stumbles
    over secret schoolgirl crushes,
    head-over-heels for teen heartthrobs.
    I loved them all.

    I’ve fallen so many times:
    tripped down the aisle
    over husband, daughter, son.
    Madly and deeply,
    I love them all.

    I’ve fallen again and again:
    new friends, a mentor, a muse,
    numerous books, a few authors,
    four dear pups and a stranger, or two.
    I loved them all.

    I’ve fallen farther,
    fallen faster,
    now captivated, I tumble—
    enthralled with my grandchildren.
    I love them each, ever and all.

    Owl Chatter dedicates that poem to Zayde Hank Shrager, alav hashalom, who had a couple, and then some more, and then a few more. He’s the one who told me, before I had any, that grandchildren are one thing that isn’t overrated. He got that right. Miss you Buddy.

    Alex Haley was born on this date in 1921 in Ithaca, NY. He lived to the age of 70. He dropped out of college and joined the Coast Guard, eventually becoming their Chief Journalist. After that, he conducted interviews for Playboy. In that capacity, he interviewed Ali, MLK, Jr., Miles Davis, and others. His interview of Malcolm X turned into the book, The Autobiography of Malcolm X.

    In the 60’s, Haley began researching his genealogy and traced his family back to Gambia, where he interviewed tribal historians. But he felt removed from the experience of the people who were captured and sold into slavery. “I asked myself, what right had I to be sitting in a carpeted high-rise apartment writing about what it was like in the hold of a slave ship?” he said. So he booked passage on a Liberian ship bound for America, and slept on a board in the hold wearing nothing but his underwear.

    Ten years of travel and research resulted in Roots: The Saga of an American Family, which covered seven generations of his family starting with a slave in the 18th century. It won the Pulitzer Prize, and the TV adaptation became the most-watched show in history, at that time.

    On the darker side, Haley paid out $650,000 to settle a plagiarism charge by Harold Courlander (3 million in today’s dollars), admitting material from Courlander’s book was used in Roots. And some of Haley’s research was found to be fudged. Haley and his work have been excluded from the Norton Anthology of African-American Literature, despite his status as the best-selling Black author in the U.S. 

    Which reminds me — get this — you know Brahms’ Variations on a Theme by Haydn? Sure you do. Well, it turns out the theme is not by Haydn! We’ve been duped!! So was Brahms!

    Brahms composed the work on a theme entitled “Chorale St. Antoni,” which he found in a wind ensemble composition attributed to Haydn. Naturally, Brahms credited it to Haydn. However, music publishers in the early nineteenth century often attached the names of famous composers to works by unknown or lesser-known composers, to make the pieces more saleable. Subsequent research concluded that the wind piece does not fit Haydn’s style and it remains without clear attribution. Brahms’ piece is sometimes referred to as the Saint Anthony Variations today.

    In any event, here’s a bunch of hacks from Germany fumbling their way through the damn thing. Towards the end, several of the female cellists tear their blouses off — otherwise, it’s a complete waste of time.

    Not much to chatter about in the puzzle today. The clue for 50A was “Name of three czars of Bulgaria,” and the answer was BORIS. Who? Czar Boris? That doesn’t ring any bells. And there were three of them. Rex said he had the first two letters: BO, so he starting thinking of 5-letter names that started with BO and quickly dismissed BOBBY. I don’t know — Czar Bobby sounds cool.

    The (tough) clue at 69A was “Fodder for a literature test,” and the answer was PASSAGES. I might have clued it: “Nasal _________.” At 36A, “Sole employer,” was COBBLER. (Get it? — think sole of a shoe.) And “Continental, e.g.,” was the clue for LINCOLN. When I was eleven (1961), they looked like this. Hop in, Babe.

    See you tomorrow — speeding off now.

  • Leggo My Ego!

    The puzzle was pun-centric yesterday. Hence, “Rule that forbids singing hymns to the devil?” was NO CHANTS IN HELL.

    Anoa Bob had an interesting comment: I never thought of CHANTS being the same as “singing hymns,” as clued. CHANTS seem more monophonically repetitive and meant to create an inward meditative state while I’ve always thought of hymns as polyphonic songs of praise and adoration sent outward to some divine presence. A quick peek online shows CHANT and hymn as synonyms so I sit corrected. (But I still think they are different.)

    Would this be a good clue/answer, or is it insulting to the Japanese? How do you ask for an “egg-white only” omelet in Tokyo? Ans: YOKO ONO.

    Today’s puzzle was Freudian. A clue for IMPULSE CONTROL was “A Freudian concept of resisting temptation.” And it was cleverly built into the grid in four squares where the letters for EGO had to be shmooshed into one square for the across answer, but ID was needed to replace it for the down answer.

    For example: The clue at 34A was “Dish near a water cooler?” and the answer was OFFICE GOSSIP. But it only fit into the available spaces if you put the EGO into one square (that’s called a rebus). And the clue at 6D (the answer for which crossed OFFICE GOSSIP), was “Title lyric that precedes ‘There’ll be days like this’ in a Shirelles classic.” The answer, of course, was MAMA SAID, but it only fit if you changed the EGO to ID in that square where the words crossed. And that happened four times in the grid. So, in a way, the ego was suppressing the id, hence the “impulse control.”

    Surprisingly, it all came to me pretty cleanly while Rex made a few missteps and struggled mightily with it. It took him a long time to see the trick, and at one point the EGO business was confusing him so much, he just screamed LEGGO MY EGO!

    At 65A, “Certain gastropod” (not be confused with gastropub (burp!)), was SEA SLUG. It sounds pretty disgusting, but take a look at these:

    If you saw the remarkable Oscar-winning documentary Searching for Sugar Man in 2012, you will be sad to learn that Rodriguez passed away on Tuesday at the age of 81. He had three daughters, and was Detroit to the bone.

    I won’t do justice to the story: you should try to see the film. Briefly, he was a singer/songwriter performing in clubs in Detroit and he got noticed. (Some compared him to Dylan, but personally I don’t see it.) Anyway, he produced a couple of albums but they didn’t sell. What can you do? It’s so hard to break through. This was in the 70’s. But it turned out that copies made it across to Australia and South Africa (which was then under apartheid). He became super popular, especially in South Africa where he sold more albums than Elvis. But the world was much less wired then, and word of his popularity did not reach the U.S. Rodriguez himself had no idea. In fact, as the years went by a rumor took hold that he was dead — that he died on stage. Of course, he hadn’t — he just slipped into obscurity, working in construction or office jobs in Detroit, still playing in small clubs.

    But then a record store owner in Cape Town, Stephen Segerman, developed an interest in him and started tracking down his story, thinking he was dead. He joined up with a journalist and they eventually found him, alive! A sold-out tour of six dates in South Africa followed (in 5,000-seat venues). This was in 1998. He also toured in Europe, and when the film came out, his popularity popped in the U.S. too. During his years of obscurity, he earned a BA in Philosophy at Wayne State. Our photographer Phil got a nice shot of him before he passed. And you can hear him performing Sugar Man below that. Rest in peace, son of Detroit.

    Bad gnews for the Gnats: they suffered an ignominious defeat last gnight — a gno hitter at the hands of Mike Lorenzen of the Phillies — the first gno-gno ever suffered in Gnats history! I watched the last few innings. Lorenzen was helped by a bad third strike call by the ump on Joey Meneses, the penultimate batter. But that happens — it’s part of the game. Lorenzen deserved it. Here he is: wet, cold, and joyous.

    Let’s close tonight with this poem by John Daniel called “After the Wedding.” It was in today’s Writer’s Almanac, and the poet dedicated it “for Marilyn.”

    After the white balloons were swept away
    on the wind that had swallowed
    most of our vows, after the embraces
    and tears, the flung rose petals,
    after new friends and old friends and aunts
    from everywhere, after you tossed
    the bouquet, and the cries of the children
    raised coyote cries on the rim,
    after chicken grilled on juniper coals,
    cold beer from the cattle trough
    and hours of hot dancing to Beatles and Stones,
    the last of us swaying arms on shoulders,
    singing ourselves hoarse,
    how good it is
    to find you now beyond all
    the loud joy, driving north in rain
    and the lovely ease of our silence.

    See you tomorrow, everybody! Thanks for popping by.

  • The New Yorker

    Someone has to say it — the emperor has no clothes! The vaunted New Yorker cartoon is just not funny anymore. And if you’re wondering — what the hell does “vaunted” mean? — it means “praised or boasted about, especially in an excessive way.”

    To prove my point I am going to examine every cartoon in the August 14, 2023 edition — the one that plopped into my mailbox today. I defy you to find laughs in any of them.

    The first one has two tomatoes talking (they have faces). I have nothing against talking fruits and vegetables — in fact, I’m very fond of them. But it’s not enough to have them talking — they have to say something funny. Here’s what’s said in this one: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious day when you’re ripe and not yet mealy?”

    A knee slapper? Are you doubled over and roaring? (Do tomatoes even get mealy? Isn’t that apples?) Let’s move on.

    Next comes a room completely covered with pieces of crockery — cups, plates, pitchers, etc. Off to the side is a kid with a shotgun and he’s holding a small plate. And a woman with a scoldy face says to him: If you throw it in the air and shoot it and break it, you buy it.”

    To me, that’s the exact opposite of funny. Where is the funny? That caption would not be funny even if it were said by a tomato, amirite? Next.

    We move from talking tomatoes to talking rabbits. Two rabbits are in a vegetable garden. One is eating some lettuce. The other says: “It would be better with a protein, but add-ons are so expensive.”

    That cartoon is mining the endlessly hysterical notion that adding things on to a dish in a restaurant adds to the cost. We’ve all been there — We read that the cost of a salad is $11, and are then convulsed in laughter when we detect the note below that says adding chicken to it would cost $4 more. Oy.

    We’re in a doctor’s office next — in the reception area. The woman behind the countery-thing is handing the guy that clipboard they use. Brace yourself for the hilarity — she says: Please fill out these medical forms, which are identical to the ones you filled out earlier online, and have the exact same questions you doctor will ask you later in the exam room.”

    Is it me? Am I just approaching these with a bad ‘tude? To my mind, that last one is the exact opposite of funny.

    [I will tell you , though, as an aside, it was when I was filling out one of those forms — the “do you have this, YES/NO” part — that I learned the name of a condition I was suffering from at the time: “rectal itching.” I had never seen that term before and I loved it. I’m planning to have my tombstone say: “Suffered from rectal itching.” Now, that’s funny.]

    Next.

    Two little kids talking. Their parents are holding strings attached to them like they are puppets. And one kid is saying: “I miss helicopter parenting.”

    Is that funny to you?

    Next, the art world. It’s that famous painting by Seurat, in the park — where it’s all drawn by little dots. (Pointillism) And the woman is saying: “I think I see Camille–no, wait, it’s just a swarm of bees.”

    I will grudgingly concede that this one is the best of the lot, so far. Still far from funny, IMO.

    Wait, stop the presses!! I actually like the next one. I’m only just “getting it” now on my second or third look. It’s a city street scene and the guy is pushing the machine that draws the lines down the center of the street. And you can see that he started off straight, but then slanted his way into a bar, and then came out of the bar drawing curvy-swervy lines. It’s funny that he kept the machine on while he diverted into the bar. It reminds me of the brilliant Booth cartoon where the British soldiers are marching into a raging battle. And they are in perfect formation led by their drummers. But the drummer on the end of the line is no fool – instead of marching towards the gunfire, he marches off to the side, away from the shooting, but he keeps drumming the whole time. (I didn’t do it justice.) Anyway, this street guy is okay in my book.

    Next, a husband/wife cartoon. The woman is in their hot tub in a bathing suit, and she’s surrounded by stacks of dirty pots and pans and dishes. The husband looks at her puzzled and she says: “I’m letting them soak.”

    Sorry — not at all funny.

    Ready for a cat cartoon? The door to the house has been pushed in and torn off of its hinges and the cat is walking away innocently, though it’s clear he pushed it down. The husband says: “That settles it. We’re getting a cat door.”

    Ridiculous, but in an unfunny way.

    Next — one of the seven dwarves is on the shrink’s couch and glowering. He says: “I guess mostly I’m grumpy because I have six goddamn roommates.”

    Argggggh. Horrible. Don’t start me.

    Next — the young man hands the young woman a bouquet of flowers. She smiles and says: “A bouquet that leaves me with the task of trimming the stems, cutting off the leaves, finding a vase, and cleaning up? You shouldn’t have!”

    Here the humor comes from the always hysterical notion that flowers require a bit of care. Puh-leeeeze.

    How about this one? — the scene is “Career Day” in an elementary school. A ten-year old boy raises his hand and says: “When I grow up, I want to be friends with a nurse, a barber, a therapist, and a plumber.”

    Oy — three more to go. These are painful.

    A conference room. One woman has a calendar in front of her and she says: “We scheduled all our vacations so that it will be impossible to hold any meetings next month.”

    Would that be funny to corporate-type people? I can’t imagine why.

    Next — the supermarket. A man is standing in front of a large egg department. The cartons say things on them like: Organic, cage-free, artisanal, ethical, kind, resilient, forgiving, courageous, delightful. The shopper says: “I don’t deserve these eggs.”

    Making fun of some of the adjectives that are applied to eggs. Have you noticed this though? I haven’t. In any event, this one is a little less awful than the others, but still way short of funny.

    And the last one completes our exercise in perfect fashion — lacking even a hint of funny. A young man is seated in the family living room with a laptop on his lap. His parents say: “You did have a college fund, but then we decided to have one picture professionally framed.”

    Okay — so professional framing is expensive. But it’s not funny!

    That concludes our exercise in the opposite of funny. Thanks for letting me vent. We’ll return to the usual nonsense next time.

    Thanks for stopping by.

  • Sailor Moon

    This poem, from today’s Writer’s Almanac is called “Heritage” and is by Louis Jenkins.

    Great-Grandmother Murphy was a proud woman.
    She came from a well-to-do family that had con-
    nections back east. She had presence and bearing.
    Great-Grandpa Murphy was an Irishman of dubi-
    ous ancestry and background. Nevertheless they
    got married, as people do. Grandpa Murphy shuf-
    fled along as they walked downtown, looking at the
    ground or his feet. He found things that way; an
    Indian arrowhead, sometimes a nickel or a dime. A
    dime was worth something in those days. And here
    is a perfectly good comb, just needs to be boiled a bit
    to kill the bugs. Grandmother kept her head high as
    she walked along; she was a Smith, after all, one of
    the Smiths. But she never found anything.

    I made matzoh ball soup recently and gave my grandson Leon (6) a bowl. He liked it but must have misheard me when I told him what it was because when he asked for more he called it monster ball soup. Needless to say, that’s what we all call it now.

    Today’s puzzle was all about monsters and different words for “monster.” A monster on the highway was a SPEED DEMON. A monster with a sweet tooth was a SUGAR FIEND. A monster on the web was an INTERNET TROLL. And the most interesting one was a monster who drains people emotionally: An ENERGY VAMPIRE. That one was new to me. They are also called psychic or emotional vampires. They drain emotional energy from others. In our culture, often unfairly, they often take the form of mothers-in-law.

    In the 1982 horror movie One Dark Night, Karl “Raymar” Raymarseivich is a Russian psychic vampire who gains power from the lifeforce of young victims by frightening them to death. This is done by demonstrations of telekinesis which emanates as visible electrical currents of bioenergy. How he dies is unclear, but his malevolence posthumously remains in his body. Effectively, Raymar is a poltergeist in the mausoleum he is interred in, opening crypts (including his own), sliding out the caskets to the floor and randomly exhuming his fellow corpses to terrify unfortunate teenagers who have chosen the wrong place to have an overnight initiation.

    The 2019 American comedy horror television series What We Do in the Shadows (WWDITS) includes the character Colin Robinson, a metaphorical and literal “energy vampire” who drains people’s life forces by being boring or frustrating. Yup, we know all about those.

    BTW, effusive praise for this show (WWDITS) by the commentariat, and it scores 97% on Rotten Tomatoes.

    The clue at 11D today was “Japanese manga heroine with a feline sidekick named Luna” and the answer was such a pretty name: SAILOR MOON. Others had heard of her — it’s just a Monday puzzle after all — but word of her exploits had not reached me under my rock. Here’s the scoop:

    One day in Juban, Tokyo, a middle-school student named Usagi Tsukino befriends Luna, a talking black cat who gives her a magical brooch enabling her to transform into Sailor Moon: a guardian destined to save Earth from the forces of evil. Luna and Usagi assemble a team of fellow Sailor Guardians to find their princess and the Silver Crystal. They encounter the studious Ami Mizuno, who awakens as Sailor Mercury; Rei Hino, a local Shinto shrine maiden who awakens as Sailor Mars; Makoto Kino, a tall and strong transfer student who awakens as Sailor Jupiter; and Minako Aino, a young aspiring idol who had awakened as Sailor Venus a few months prior, accompanied by her talking feline companion Artemis. They meet up with Sailor Rabinowitz who makes sure they have enough to eat, because if you think you can defeat the forces of evil with just some toast for breakfast you’re meshuggah. Here’s Sailor Moon — look out, evil!!

    At 23A “Flower with thorns” was ROSE. It reminded Joaquin of one of his favorite jokes, which he shared with us at: https://www.dailymotion.com/video/xhs0r2

    It’s rare that the whole family gets together and we remember to try to take a picture and everyone is smiling in it. Usually the effort is marked by screaming, threats, and mayhem.

    Here they all are from two days ago, except for me — I took the picture. Caity’s fivesome is in age order from left to right, except Leon and Rafi are switched. So that’s Izzy, Leon, Rafi, Zoey, and Lianna who will be 14 in October, kinahora, but is already as tall as her Mom. Sam is holding #6: Mo. The back row is Caity’s Danny, Sarah and Sam, our friend Riverdale Joe who speaks Yiddish when appropriate and brought chocolate rugelach, and my beautiful bride, Linda. At the Colony Pool, Chatham, NJ, 2023.

    Let’s get out of here while they’re still smiling (except for Izzy) — see you tomorrow.

  • The Ramones

    Although the Texas anti-abortion law allows an exception when the woman’s health is in danger, it’s not clear how that standard applies. And since the penalties for a doc violating the law include up to 99 years in prison and loss of medical license, not surprisingly, docs have shied away from testing the exception. The following is from a story in the NYT on a case seeking clarification from Texas.

    “During two days of court hearings in July, the lead plaintiff, Amanda Zurawski, described how she went into septic shock and nearly died when her water broke at 18 weeks, after doctors told her they could not abort the fetus because it still had a heartbeat.

    “Another plaintiff, Samantha Casiano, began to cough and gag on the stand as she recalled having to carry and ultimately deliver a fetus that had no skull — and no chance of survival — because doctors could not perform an abortion. The judge called a recess after Ms. Casiano became physically ill.

    “Lawyers for the state described the women as publicity seekers on an ideological crusade.”

    Hmmmmm.

    Judge Jessica Mangum found in favor of the women and broadened and clarified the standards. Texas is appealing the “activist Austin judge’s attempt to override Texas abortion laws.”

    God bless the Lone Star State.

    Can you use some “positive vibrations” after that? In the puzzle today at 74D, [blank] Vibration was RASTAMAN — Bob Marley’s great album. Let’s all enjoy a listen to the title song.

    DYLAN dropped by too, at 35A, clued via his Nobel Prize in Lit, and The DOORS at 87A, although they weren’t really there — the clue was “Options, metaphorically.” (Get it?)

    On Thursday, one of the clues was “Word before stamp or young.” Here’s Dylan with The Band:

    May your hands always be busy
    May your feet always be swift
    May you have a strong foundation
    When the winds of changes shift
    May your heart always be joyful
    May your song always be sung
    And may you stay — forever young

    My favorite clue/answer today was at 77A: The clue was “Why, you little stinkin’ …” and the answer was SON OF A.

    And have you been out to SF and visited Pier 39? As the puzzle states, its residents are SEA LIONS.

    At 78A, Time magazine’s “Actor of the Century” was BRANDO. Don Knotts came in second. He was pretty far behind though.

    Back to rock ‘n’ roll for a moment — here’s the fifth Ramone — Morris Irving Crane Ramone. Son of Sarah Ramone and Sam Ramone. He doesn’t want to be sedated, but he enjoys his afternoon nap.

    Thanks for popping in. See you tomorrow.

  • Messy Giraffes

    This piece by Jeremy Wayne was in this week’s Met Diary.

    On a broiling summer day in July 2008, I was in the underwear section of a deserted men’s department at Macy’s in Herald Square, taking advantage of the store’s air conditioning as I looked for some new underwear.

    A small older woman approached me and asked in a lilting Irish accent if I might help her.

    Of course, I said.

    “I’m looking for a pair of underpants for an older gentleman,” she said, “but I don’t know what style an older gentleman might wear.”

    “Well,” I said, “I might avoid briefs if I were you.” I ushered her away from the displays of the more revealing items and toward some practical alternatives.

    “Perhaps a boxer or an old-fashioned Y-front,” I suggested, “and in not too lurid a color. Or you might even run to a check.”

    She seemed to like that idea and picked out a three-pack of checked boxers. Then she hesitated and explained that she only needed one pair. We searched again and found a single pair.

    She seemed pleased with her choice, and as we said goodbye, she thanked me gently for my help.

    “By the way,” she said, “I forgot to mention that the gentleman in question is deceased.”

    In the puzzle today, I don’t get why “Big screens” is TAX AUDITS. Otherwise, I liked the puzzle despite some bruisers: “One aboard the Tiangong space station” is a TAIKONAUT, which is the name used in the West for a Chinese astronaut. That’s one serious-ass Saturday-level clue.

    At 63A, “Belittling” was DEROGATIVE, like derogatory but with a different suffix. LMS said: I rather like being startled by an unexpected suffix. ‘Cause then I get to sit and ponder different suffixes and how they feel. Derogatistic, derogatant, derogatesque, derogatitious. . .cool beans.

    The clue/answer that provoked the most chatter was 15A: “Adoration of the Kardashians, e.g.” The answer was HAGIOLATRY. It generally means the worshipping of saints, so what’s with the K-dashians? Well, a secondary meaning is “undue veneration of a famous person.”  So there.

    I am so out of it — who are these people? There are six of them? What’s that white thing on the fourth one in?

    We learned from 7D that the MASAI giraffe is the tallest land mammal on earth. LMS again: It’s ridiculous how often I think about the Masai. No, really. I’ll trip and almost fall, then check to make sure no one saw me. Then I wonder if a Masai woman would have the same almost-fall-down insecurity. [I can’t tell if she’s kidding — probably, right? — but either way it’s just the type of perfect nonsense we live for at Owl Chatter.]

    CDilly52 added:

    My niece adored giraffes from a very early age and it was she at the ripe old age of 4 (I remember because she had not started public school kindergarten yet) who taught me about “Messy giraffes.” She read everything she could about them but I was confused. I asked her why they were messy and she said they were too tall to clean their rooms. Later I looked them up and found that they are Masai, but they shall forever be “messy” giraffes to me.

    It’s hard for me to predict almost anything about Rex’s writeup. I’ll work my tuchas off to stagger my way through a puzzle and he’ll rate it easy. Ot he’ll fulminate about things that seem neat little nothings to me. His assessment of today’s puzzle was moderate praise, with some griping. And here’s what an anonymous poster said:

    “Clearly, the constructor is a friend of Rex. Otherwise, this puzzle would be bashed. Looking back Rex’s write-ups at the constructors older puzzles, [what?] Rex holds back criticism.”

    That’s a pretty derogative thing to say, no? — That Rex would fudge a review for a friend. It’s a challenge to his integrity. It’s also a discourtesy, because we are all visiting in Rex’s house when we’re on his blog.

    In an unusual rebuttal of sorts, Rex replied simply to note he never met the constructor.

    And then Weezie weighed in with:

    I really feel like if you’re going to make this type of unkind, groundless claim you should at least have the courage to sign your name to it, aka, as we say in Brooklyn, say it with your full chest. Rex will often go in on the puzzles but rarely goes after the constructors; I wish that folks would afford OFL [Our Fearless Leader] the same courtesy and stay away from this kind of claim. It’s just mean, especially to someone who freely provides all of us a forum to nerd out about crosswords together.

    Well put, Weezie!

    It was a long day with our whole six-pack of grandchildren. I am worn down and worn out. What a beautiful bunch of kids. How blessed are we, kinahora?

    See you tomorrow. Thanks for popping in!

  • Three Babies

    At 8D today, “Charm, to King Charles” was ENAMOUR. The constructor, Brandon Koppy, threw in HRH to let you know you need that British “U” in there. It set LMS off down this path:

    Once when I was teaching in WV, on the first day of school, this student (famous for being really smart, boisterous, and funny) came to me after class wanting to flex a bit. Our conversation went something like this:

    Carter: Ms. Smith, for some reason when I write, I have to add the U to words like “honor” and “color.”
    Me: [Pausing to take his measure… squint my eyes, nod my head, raise one eyebrow] So basically what you’re telling me is that you’re an asshole.
    Carter: [Totally *getting* my point and pleased] Yeah. Yeah, that’s exactly what I am.

    For the rest of the semester, we muttered asshole to each other if one of us used a fancy word. I miss that guy. He showed me how to use the snipping tool, and my life has changed.

    It was a tough puzzle that really made me work. Have you heard of BITTORRENT, a peer-to-peer file sharing protocol? Fuhgedaboutit. Or how about ALAN MOORE: Graphic novelist who created “Watchmen” and “V for Vendetta.” Gimme a break! But I was able to pound them out via the crosses, so all is well.

    All of the following were great:

    “Things that can really make someone pop?” PATERNITY TESTS.

    “Big sister?” MOTHER SUPERIOR

    “Ineffectual sorts” WET NOODLES

    “Junior mint?” PLAY MONEY

    “High point of a trip to California?” EL CAPITAN

    “A little taller than normal, say, as a kiddie” ON TIPPY TOE

    “In shorthand, it’s written with two S’s and two T’s” WEEK

    Great puzzle!

    “Teacher’s directive” was SEE ME. If, like me, you can’t get enough LMS, here she is again:

    “Teacher’s directive” – wanted “shush” first. I have screamy sign directives everywhere in my room, each one resulting from a little dust-up. KEEP OUT from behind my desk. STAY AWAY FROM THIS WINDOW AND GO BACK TO YOUR SEAT (on door window), DO NOT KNOCK ON THIS DOOR AND INTERRUPT MY CLASS (on outside of my door). No one ever pays attention to that one. Someone’s always knocking and wanting things. Ms. Smith, can I have one of those lip balm things? Do you have any snacks? Can I hang out in here with you? Can I borrow a blanket? Do you have a Band-Aid? Can I have just one piece of grandma candy? (those goo-filled strawberry candies). If I have the class engaged and working, a knock on the door breaks the spell, and I just want to cry. 

    Not everyone enjoyed the Paternity Tests answer. Here’s a comment from Anonymous: As a non biological father, what makes a Pop a Pop is definitely not a paternity test. You can go f*ck yourself with that joke.

    Ouch!

    Ray Lewis was a great linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens. He led their defense to a Super Bowl win in the Battle of the Harbaughs in 2013 with John Harbaugh, Coach of the Ravens besting his brother Jim of SF 34-31. [Jim coaches the UMich Wolverines now. Go Blue!] Lewis was elected to the NFL Hall of Fame and inducted in 2018. That’s where our story begins: His induction speech ran for 33 minutes and had the entire NFL fandom screaming for mercy. Unbearable. And his was only the worst of a flood of too-long speeches.

    To the rescue comes Jezra Kaye, a little gray-haired lady who knows zippo about football. She’s a professional writing coach and has been working with the inductees on shortening their speeches. It’s been a success. Peyton Manning’s speech in 2021 lasted only nine minutes. He mentioned Ray Lewis who he said “just finished giving his speech that he started in 2018.” Tom Flores said his speech would be short because he’s “84 frappin’ years” old and has to be in bed by 9 o’clock. Here’s Lewis. Did I mention, he breathes fire? Scary dude.

    Do you recognize this person? She’s been in the news, sadly, lately. I wouldn’t have. It’s Sinead O’Connor, with hair.

    She comes up in Rex’s blog today, quite indirectly. The clue at 15A was “1990 film that Roger Ebert called ‘so implausible that it makes it hard for us to really care about the plight of the kid,’” and the answer was HOME ALONE. Rex remembered that Joe Pesci was in it. Rex rarely goes off on tirades about people he hates, but he did today about Pesci. Here’s the story:

    Remember the famous SNL episode in which Sinead O’Connor tore up a picture of the Pope and threw the pieces on the ground? It was to protest the harm done to her personally by the Church in her youth and all the harm it has done to children the world over. It took place before the Church’s sordid and outrageous history of child abuse came out. She was ahead of her time. Anyway, in response, Pesci, hosting a later episode of SNL, showed the crowd that he picked up the pieces and taped it back together. And he proceeded to go on an obnoxious rant attacking her. Rex shared the link and I started watching it but couldn’t finish — it was repulsive. I posted that I’d never be able to watch My Cousin Vinny again. (Sorry, Marisa.)

    O’Connor, of course, passed away last week. She was only 56. This beautiful and haunting song is called Three Babies and is about three babies she lost to miscarriages. (She had four children who lived.) I’ll let her usher us out tonight. Rest in peace, Sinead.

    See you tomorrow.